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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Husband wants to separate after 2nd child...is he having an affair??

24 replies

KimBarley · 24/09/2018 20:21

Hi just looking for advice and support i guess. I have just had a second baby 8 weeks ago, 3 weeks before I was due to give birth my husband told me he didn't love me as his wife anymore, only as a friend and mother of his children. I was shocked as whilst we had had a few fallings out it was nothing "out of the ordinary" so I really didn't see that coming. After discussing things he said he wanted to try and work on things, that he wasn't sure if he didn't love me anymore or if it was something else going on. I asked him to go to counselling but he refused. Over the last 8 week's iv tried very hard to make things better and to make him happier but every so often iv had meltdowns because i feel so insecure and vulnerable. A few days he admitted that he no longer loves me and wants to separate and leave. I'm devastated and gutted that he would decide this. So many of my friends have said he is probably having an affair...I think I want that to be the case because then it's not about me...He is adamant that he isn't however when i demanded to see his work phone he had a big strop and stormed out of the house where he cud have deleted stuff. I don't have any evidence that he has cheated apart from before when we had our first child he text another woman when she was born. So he has form. Any advice or support wud welcome..what are my rights for money whilst being on maternity?

OP posts:

ohamIreally · 28/09/2018 06:42

Hi OP I'm sorry you've not had any replies and that you're going through this.

I think your friends are right that he is probably having an affair. Do not torture yourself that this is "you" and do not twist yourself inside out trying to make him happy; he will not respect you for it and you will lose your own self respect.

With regard to your financial situation I couldn't say without more information- are you employed?

RandomMess · 28/09/2018 07:43

I too think he is having an affair

AnyFucker · 28/09/2018 07:53

More than likely, yes

All the signs are there

Kool4katz · 28/09/2018 08:03

Sorry, but classic affair signs. They always try to twist it so that you feel you've done something wrong, not been good enough etc, but they're bastards all the same. Sort your finances out and make him leave. You've enough on your plate without having to pander to an arsehole.
It's shit in the early days but a year on and you'll be grand.

Snowymountainsalways · 28/09/2018 08:07

Take control of this situation yourself and you will immediately stop feeling insecure and vulnerable. You can take care of yourself and your baby, so pack up his stuff take the lead in all of this. Yes it will be hard, but your focus now needs to be on your baby and your own wellbeing.

He is a shit of the highest order, but you can and will get through this.

Original poster

KimBarley · 28/09/2018 08:31

Thanks ohamireally for your kind words. I feel like im going mad. I'm.employed part time 22 hours. I'm going back in April 19. I'l be unable to work any longer hours due to caring for the children.however i was going to ask if I could do 30 hours over 3 days although that they may mean I'm not entitled to any other support. I need to look into it all really. I'm booked to go to mediation to try and get agreements on the house and finances. I'd like him to set me up again in another house for me to be able to pay the mortgage on alone...without the equity in this house plus a deposit I doubt a mortgage company would give me anymore then 100 000. The area I live in currently isn't cheap to buy so I'l probably have to move somewhere else. It's all such a minefield.

OP posts:

Original poster

KimBarley · 28/09/2018 08:34

Thanks other posters you are all right. He is off to counselling this morning as he says he feels "lost" I wanted us to do counselling together but he refused. Probably because there is nothing to talk about as he is seeing someone else. Why do they think lying is the best option? I literally would be relieved as its not about me then.

OP posts:

Original poster

KimBarley · 28/09/2018 08:35

I would like him to stay in the home until we sell..we have a 5 year old and I wanted to try and maintain as much of a family life as possible for her sake. I know she will struggle so much with this.

OP posts:

Weenurse · 28/09/2018 08:39

Sorry you are going through this. I have no advice but sending internet hugs and 💐

RayRae19 · 28/09/2018 08:44

What at awful time for you @KimBarley it sounds like you're doing so well at keeping things together and making plans to deal with this.

I couldn't say if your OH is having an affair, but even if he isn't it doesn't mean it's about you. Having kids is tough on a relationship, being pregnant and having a baby is definitely a time that changes things between you and your partner and it's a time when you need and deserve more support - and sometimes men find it hard to step up and do this.
I think it's definitely a time when they can feel lost or left out too, through no fault of you but just because the mum is naturally more involved with the baby at the start. Obviously you've already had one child so you've been through this before but each experience can be different depending on where your relationship or family are at.

I'm not saying it makes it ok for him to do this, I think it's awful to do this when you have a new baby, but he may well be going through some complicated stuff. It doesn't have to mean an affair but also doesn't mean any of this is your fault.

Really hope things get easier for you x

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 28/09/2018 08:46

FWIW I think it would be better for you all if he leaves now rather than waiting to sell the house

The tension in the house with him still hanging around won't be good for your 5yo or you

With him gone you will be better able to plan and sort your finances and your future

It sounds as though you are already receiving legal advice, best now to get rid of him and focus on getting things sorted for you and your DC

bumpsadaisy11 · 28/09/2018 08:51

Big hug OP.
Your husband sounds identical to my ExH. At 8 months pregnant he told me that he was having trouble getting his head round 'this baby thing' Even though she was very much planned.
He was miserable moody & just vile. He eventually packed his things & left 3 weeks before our 3rd baby was born!!
On the day I gave birth, he dropped his coat & a love letter from his girlfriend dropped out!! I spent most of my labour screaming at him!!
You really do deserve better than what you are getting, if he can treat you like this once, he will do it again.
Just to let you know, I am very happily married to the most incredible man, who adores me & my children (we also have one together) & treats me like a princess.
My exh on the other hand has 3 failed marriages behind him & is having a rocky time with his new girlfriend

Oohlaalaa81 · 28/09/2018 09:25

You poor thing! As if it isn’t emotional enough having a baby you have all this to deal with as well. If there is really no door open to making things work then my suggestion (as formal as it sounds) would be to seek legal advice ASAP. Everyone I know that has been through separation and ultimately divorce has started out saying ‘we won’t need lawyers we’ll just agree things between us’ has had a shock later on down the line when things get more complicated. You need to make sure you know your position wrt finances etc. Good luck x

anotherangel2 · 28/09/2018 09:31

I have no idea but telling you he nolonger loves you when your joint baby is 3 weeks old and saying he wants to end the relationship when you have a new born makes him a prize dick. I’m sorry that you have to deal with this.

DancingDot · 28/09/2018 09:40

Please understand that whatever the reason he is leaving IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. You are not responsible for his behaviour and feelings. I agree with others that you need to take control of the situation and speak to a solicitor before you go into mediation. Mediation is fantastic but you should go into with some idea of what you are entitled to legally and if you end up in court what you might expect.

You are talking about selling the family home and you having to move elsewhere already - Don't leave the family home (unless you or the children are unsafe). You may be entitled to legal aid. Please see a solicitor.

Haireverywhere · 28/09/2018 09:47

OP and others who have been through this I'm so sorry. My previous boss was told a few weeks before planned baby 3 that he wasn't ready to be a father to 3 kids (wtf) and it turned out to be an affair.

Focus on your own thoughts and plans and there will be lots of good advice coming but none of this is about you I'm sure

numbbrain · 28/09/2018 17:22

My XH did the same.

He was having an affair when I gave birth to our twins (had a 3yo dd).

It was a hard time and he even left me in hospital with DTS when he had suspected meningitis at 6 weeks to go and be with her.

I found out when a letter got returned to our address that he had sent to her.

I let him stay and it was the worst decision I ever made. Things never recovered. I wish now I had asked him to leave, sort his head out and then look at things after that.

He needs to experience non family life and he will go to another woman (if he is having an affair) or he will go to counselling.

Please please realise that this is his issue to fix. There may be other things wrong with the relationship for you to change later.

Rebecca36 · 28/09/2018 17:33

How dare he spring this on you when you are at your most vulnerable. He's a prize heel.

This is so sad for you but you will get through it. It's good that you're talking about selling the house. For the time being just keep the lines of communication open, be civil or even friendly but show him that you can be independent of him.

ohamIreally · 28/09/2018 17:54

Hi OP glad you've had more replies.

It's good you have a job and your employer sounds like they may be flexible with regard to hours - hang on to that as hard as you can.

Although it's unbelievably painful and hurtful with regard to the relationship it's also finances and housing that worries us the most.

What helped me was going through all the bills and direct debits for the household to see where I needed to get to and then working out how to get there. At least you'll know where you stand (I took over the mortgage but extended the term, got a new job that paid more, ex pays maintenance, and costs dropped after he moved out).

ohamIreally · 28/09/2018 17:55

*worry us

Original poster

KimBarley · 28/09/2018 21:41

Thank you everyone....all this support and advice is amazing xxx

OP posts:

lifebegins50 · 29/09/2018 05:17

Op, do you have family support?

I sm so sorry you are going through this and just know that it is not your fault.Your H is a weak and selfish man with no empathy, if there is an OW she will find out pretty soon what he is really like.

I cant imagine how any of his family or friends can support him in this so dont feel you have to hide it.

Original poster

KimBarley · 01/10/2018 07:51

Yes luckily i have an amazing mum and sister who hVe come up to qhere i live every week to help me xx

OP posts:

Chchchchangess · 01/10/2018 21:39

I’m going through the same thing. You are not alone xx

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