Changing shift patterns and shared custody.

[Abitsadbuthopeful]

My husband and I are separating. My work hours are set so I can drop my wee boy at school and pick him up. My husband works two 12 hour day 6am - 6pm and then two nights 6pm - 6am and everyweek this shift pattern moves on one day.

I have said I want the little fella with me during school week (he has severe ADHD) and I want routine for him as much as possible.
The husband seems to think an ever changing pattern is going to happen. I have an appointment to see the solicitor but I'll be pushing for this.
What do others do????

What is he proposing? That your son is with him the 3 days he doesn’t work each week, but that those days continually change?
That isn’t enough continuity for any child, let alone one with additional needs. Realistically, if he was a lone parent with residency he’d have to switch to another job.

Would it work to sit down and map out his days for the next 3 months, and then work out which weekends he’ll be free to have him? And then a mid-week after school session on the weeks he’s working at weekend or something?

Hi Somerville, as yet he hasn't actually thought any of this through which is one of his fatal flaws. But I'm the practical one seeing the advocate and I do want to be fair to him as he is a good dad, maybe not at the boring stuff like homework etc. So no he hasn't proposed anything except he has the little man when he is off work. But as you say that changes constantly and while I was married I put up with it but I'm not doing it when we are separated, arranging my life to fit in with him. NOT A CHANCE. I want it set in stone really.

I guess there’s a trade off here. Obviously ideally for your son he would have a firm routine for spending time with his dad. Unless your STBXH is prepared/able to change his work shifts then that can’t happen. So what’s second best?

Set in stone days with his dad, never changing from week to week will mean in reality that some days his dad will be working all your son’s waking hours or needing to sleep from a night shift. So then your son will be in childcare or looked after by granny (or even, dare I say it, Dad’s new girlfriend when he gets one). If Dad has good extended family then that might be fine. Could your son cope with that?

At the other end of the spectrum, having 3 days a week with his dad, as STBXH suggested, when he’s not working, would mean constant upheaval and potentially a lot of stress for DS.

Is there some sort of middle-ground?

I'm in the same situation except my ex used his shift pattern as a way to avoid any meaningful contact. So, will change plans whenever or will give no notice and expect to walk in to my house and see them at bed time.

At the moment I am trying to see the bigger picture and deal with it for DC sake but it's wearing thin.

I recently saw a solicitor who said that if my ex ever tried to push for shared residency ( ha!) all I would have to do is submit a copy of his shifts and he would be refused.

Gosh that is useful. He's told me tonight he's reducing to two days, one night. But then every 6 weeks he goes onto a relief pattern and that can be anything. I still want him to see the little fella but I want the little man at mine during the week. So unless we can be amicable and do joint tea/ bath it's going to be a court decision.

I was advised to submit to your exH exactly what you want to do with contact, because men don't think about the details. You are best placed to know what will work. He then has to either accept or make helpful suggestions as to what would work better. Court are going to act in best interests of the child so be prepared to make some concessions for an arrangement that works. And don't forget that it isn't set in stone and can be reviewed as your son gets older and other things change. Good luck x