Husband is divorcing me.

[ladytink]

My husband left 4 weeks ago. At the end of our holiday, we had a major argument that resulted in him getting extremely drunk and pushing me three times. As a result of this I slapped him across the face as I didn’t know how to stop the situation ( I couldn’t get away from him). I hold my hands up and absolutely should not have reacted how I did, but I went into fight or flight mode as I couldn’t see a way out. It turns out that 12 days after this incident he filed for divorce ( I found out from looking at our credit card bill ) without even discussing anything. I’m devastated. It was a one off incident, which he has himself said, and has never happened before. He is taking no responsibility for what happened that night, even we were both at fault. I do not want a divorce because I believe that with counselling, we can work through the issues that built up to this terrible mess. It’s hard to believe that one day we were planning the future and a few weeks later, I am waiting every day for the postman to deliver divorce proceedings. Please do not judge my behaviour that night, I know that I acted wrongly and have never and would never behave that way again. I am at my wits end as I love him so much and can’t imagine life without him.

I wouldn’t judge you at all and I do think you’re blaming yourself a bit too much. He was physical first. If someone was drunk and had pushed me three times I’d be scared and I might well slap them to get them away from me. I think he needs to look at his own behaviour and take some/a lot of responsibility.

Is he still living at home? Can you talk to him about it? Have you got kids?

Personally I wouldn’t want to be rushing back into things with someone who when drunk pushes me. And especially if he’s acting like he’s done nothing wrong. Do you think he may have been unhappy before and have provoked the situation looking for an excuse?

We have kids, pre-teens. He is not living at home. I’ve tried to talk but he won’t, says he will only discuss that night in front of about counsellor. I think he sees me as some kind of monster. We had a WhatsApp conversation today. Soon after we were going to watch our daughter do some gymnastics and I asked him for a lift. He said it wasn’t a good idea as I was raging as a result of our convo?!? The chat was perfectly calm and fine. I think he sees me as some kind of monster, which I absolutely am not. I think that if he sees me as being a bad person, he can justify his actions more. He’s focussing on the handful of negative aspects of our marriage, rather than on the hundreds of positive ones.

It certainly sounds like he’s trying to convince himself that you’re the bad person quite possibly to ease his conscience? If you’re keen to sort things out and he says he’ll talk to a counsellor then give that a go. It’ll be interesting to see what the counsellor thinks about it and if they can get through to your dh that he was physical first.

Is there any chance he’s seeing someone else?

He's definitely playing it so that you are a violent person and he is scared of you.

Do you think he would try to have the children living with him?

Make sure if he exaggerates or accuses you of something on WhatsApp you refute it or he might try and use the messages and any lack of denial in any custody battle??

I’m 100% certain that he’s not seeing anyone else. He’s a good man, but I think he’s got some issues. I think he’s having a midlife crisis, his behaviour recently has been unlike him. We’ve had our problems over the years but have always managed to resolve them and get back to being good together. He said the other night that he felt our recent holiday had been a turning point in our relationship for him, in a good way, until that night. I’m going to, at counselling, ask him where he thinks we would be now, if it that night hadn’t happened and I know he’ll say that we would be more than ok, sitting together watching Saturday night TV, as normal.

He wouldn’t want the children living with him full time. We have already spoken about me having them half the week and him the other.

I think you should absolutely get into counselling and discuss the incident objectively in front of a third person. The real version of what happens needs to be recorded somewhere. He is up to something with this. Make sure you also factually refute any accusations in writing: I should not have slapped you but I was very afraid as you had pushed me three times and wouldn't leave me alone. You were in a drunken rage and I was afraid.

We have got a second Relate session on Monday. I’ve got a list of things that need to be addressed. I don’t think I’m going to contest the divorce as it’s far to costly and from what I’ve read, the divorce would still go through, but I do want it on record somewhere that I didn’t just slap him for no reason. I guess I will have to wait and see what all his grounds are.

He payed hands on you 3 times you struck out in self defence
He's deluded if he thinks your at fault, he's probably set all this up

Layed hands

You and your DH had a fight that turned physical.

TBH if may well be that he does want something like this to happen again.

Divorce seems as good an option as any.