How do we tell our toddler we're separating?

[Newchapterstarting]

Looking for some advice please?
My H and I are separating, due to huge financial debt issues which he is refusing to deal with. After 3 years of trying, I have had enough and have finally realised I'm never going to be able to make him see sense and I need to take responsibility for the mess and deal with it.
So I've had to find somewhere for myself and our son to live, find a new nursery for him, along with dealing with all the finances.
True to form, H is still in denial and hasn't even found himself anywhere to live yet. (We are in rented accommodation which I can't afford on my own so I've downsized)
So, in two weeks time I am moving out and I have no idea how to tell our 2 year old, who remains blissfully ignorant to date of how his life is about to get turned upside down.
Does anyone have any experience of telling children so young about what's happening and any advice for me?
Feeling so lost and having to be so strong and brave, looking for some help please x

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's really rough. But, with respect, he's 2. You just need to tell him that he's going to have a new house with mummy. And when your stbxh pulls his finger out, make a fuss about him being able to stay at daddy's new house too. In all likelihood, he won't even remember you being a couple, which in perspective, is a good thing. Do you think you'll be able to agree on child access etc?

I've torn myself apart over this for exactly that reason, he won't ever remember us being a family. But the fact that I think we'll be happier apart has had to win out.
I'm hoping we can remain amicable about child contact, my STDHX can only afford a room in a shared house so access might have to be at mine for now or outside. Still trying to sort his out but it's hard when H won't make a decision on his new living arrangements

I agree with the first response.

You don't need to worry about STBXH either. It's his job to be a father. He's an adult, he has a child. Obviously don't be obstructive but if he doesn't have anywhere to spend time with his DS it's up to him to sort it out.

This sounds harsh, but I've come to see that people, and especially men, will accept facilitation..which is very hard to stop later. You've been mopping up after him for long enough (from the sounds of things). Tell him to let you know how he plans on doing it, tell him you're open to discussions about it all, but let him do it. Don't get in a situation where you're spending your energy facilitating him being a father. Mothering is hard enough.

And congratulations for making a decision and leaving. It must have been hard but I think you're right about happiness.

Thank you notnachoing I've definitely facilitated him for far too long!
I even found him a room to rent that was a steal, he messed around and lost it and now is moaning he can't afford anywhere - this morning he even said he was going to ask for extra shifts at work....if he'd done that a year ago we might not be in this mess now!! Lazy arse.

I'm wondering if anyone has any actual practical, hands on advice about dealing with a toddler day to day after I move. He's going to be asking for Daddy, and throws epic tantrums (don't they all!) when Daddy currently has to work late and isn't here for bedtime.

My 2 year old hasn't noticed her dads gone, and its been nearly 3 months since she saw him, my 4 year old has and has asked a few times and I've said very calmly Daddy doesn't live with us any more but still loves you. We've had a few tantrums and I got some support from the Health Visitor about being calm and giving reassurance as she said the biggest fear in young children during separation can be that the parent who they're staying with will also leave them. I've started new "fun" routines for bathtime and bed and its really helped.

Wow Flower, you are a very strong woman, and , I'm sorry you've found yourself in the same situation, it's not good.

We are moving to a new house which will be the start of the new living arrangements, so all in the same week, DS will start a new nursery, move house and Daddy will no longer be there every day. Everyone is telling me kids are more resilient than we give them credit for, I'm just hoping he takes it in his stride.
He's a very confident little boy who is happy away from us (he's been at nursery since he was 9 months old when I had to go back to work and I've been full time since he was one)
I guess I'll just have to take a day at a time and hopefully once I'm not living with my H, I will be a much calmer (and happier) Mummy and feel more able to deal with his questions as they arise.
Hugs for you Flower x

I'm not sure this helps, but my parents separated when I was around 3 or 4, I don't remember it, I have a couple of very old memories of us living together, noting particularly dramatic. Fortunately my parents never involved us in passing over messages, or argued when we were around (they might not have at all??) they managed to be sensible and adult most of the time. I honestly think it will all be fine. I don't think you need to say too much, and just answer questions in an honest and straightforward way as and when they arise.

Hi OP

I've been on my own with my three year old and baby for a few months now so have recent and ongoing experience of this upheaval. I would say prepare yourself for more tantrums than usual and take the time to check whether he needs discipline or reassurance, often a hug is what they need. I find behaviour is also worse the day after seeing her dad so I try to be extra patient that day.

I am also guilty of trying to facilitate their time together, it takes time to stop the 'wife work'. If contact is in your flat, beware that it's easy to fall back into your relationship. As you're moving, I would suggest avoiding having to host your ex in your new place. I'm a bit stuck because ex still part owns our house and is living some distance away.

You'll get in a new routine and way of doing things quicker than you expect, and having such a young child is in many ways easier as they don't need detailed explanations. Good luck!

Am sad that there is so many singles with newborns and toddlers 😞

lyn it wasn't for lack of trying to make it work.....

unexpected Thank you for sharing your own experience, I'm a week away from the move and it's been a tough slog so far.

DS is probably aware something is happening as we've been to the new house a few times and theres lots of boxes packed where we still are but Daddy is still around so he's not aware of whats around the corner.

DH meanwhile still has no-where to live....