He’ll be served in a matter of days

[Sadinmiami]

Hello all,

I am a first time poster on this site. Writing from the U.S.A. I have been married 15 years with 2 children, 14 & 11. I am 35 and my H is 42. I married young, fast and fell hard. Hard enough to endure many good times as well as bad times. It wasn’t until recently, after much reading, that I learned I am married to a narcissist. I have dealt with verbal abuse (at times light physical abuse... shoving, grabbing- seldom) for the entire course of my marriage.

For many, many years I would find myself confused with my husbands behavior. I also blamed myself for causing his anger and have had a difficult time realizing I’m not entirely to blame. At times I have thought he suffers from a mental disorder as he goes NUTS in anger and within 25-30 minutes he is back to normal, loving, apoglozing and anxiously wanting to reconcile.

I’m left mentally exhausted, empty, confused and sad. My kids also feel the brunt of his outburst and often times it’s like he’s battling all of us at different times or sometimes even at the same time. He got so upset at our daughter one time for talking back at a restaurant that he kicked her so hard under the table causing her entire finger nail to rip off of the nail bed. This was last year.

Time and time and TIME again I have spoken to him about his disrespect, abuse and willingness to forget his actions so quickly. This has been going on for years. Progressively getting worse. Then I threaten to leave him and it gets better for 3-4 months... then another argument. Repeat for years. I can (regretfully) say that maybe one or two weeks have gone by since our last argument dating back to March of this year. It’s THAT consistent. He seems completely okay with this living situation. I am an empty shell.

The control, verbal abuse and having to walk on egg shells has all of us in the home in a constant state of panic. We all (the children and I) try our best to keep the peace however we haven’t found much of it yet.

This summer, I decided to hire an attorney. After much paper work, delay and financial issues- it is confirmed he will be served by Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. I am PETRIFIED. But I have to move forward for my sanity and my children.

I feel so stupid for feeling guilty. For feeling sorry for him. I feel sorry for him because it’s almost like he’s STUPID. How can he treat people he loves, who are “his world” this way and expect for us to forgive him for repeated mistakes? Just confused i guess.
I feel stupid For second guessing myself. If anyone here has any words of advice or support I would gladly appreciate it and reference those words during this very difficult time.

Thank you for reading.

[BackInTheRoom]

I think you're doing the right thing. You can trawl the net trying to work out who he is, what his problems are but the bottom line is you guys shouldn't have to live like this. You all need to feel relaxed and safe in your own home.

Are you scared of him? Frightened of his reaction when he's served the divorce papers?

[JugglingaBoxofFrogs]

I have been in a similar position, so understand how you feel.

I understand how you feel stupid for putting up with this for so long, but this is part of the process unfortunately.

So many times I have had this conversation with myself: "You talk to him about his behaviour, he will reluctantly agree that he can see your point. He may even make promises never to do it again. Until the next time. "

I don't feel sorry for the narc I married, although my counsellor says that eventually I will. Every human being can choose how to treat people in my view. The one thing I have to, absolutely MUST hold on to is that he doesn't care, not really, about other people. He is not capable of that. He cares about himself.

You will read articles about narcissistic feed, and how people of this sort will actively seek what they need with no concern for others. This is not something you can fix, nor are you responsible for. You should try to keep your feelings of sympathy for him completely out of the way. It will not help you to feel sorry for him just now. It's not like you put a gun to his head and made him behave this way, is it?

I cannot say how your STBX will react, but I do understand your fear. Even now, 10 months down the line, and still not divorced (but working to get there) I still have moments of fear. My counsellor keeps telling me that I am the only one who can control that fear, and he is right. Whatever may happen has not happened yet. I try to be less hyper-vigilant (it's hard). I try to give myself some down time where I escape from the fear of "what is he going to do next" to punish me. Just 30 minutes a day of mental relaxation is helpful. I try to distract myself to give my mind some recovery time. If I can't do this, I confide in somebody close to me and just talk about it. Getting things off your chest helps.

Since separation I have been maligned, accused of heinous actions and basically accused of everything being my fault. I try to laugh at the ridiculousness of it because I know who I am, and I am not the person he makes me out to be.

Google the phrase "grey rock". There's a very good article about this and it will help you.

You need to look after yourself mentally and physically, and try to stand your ground as much as possible. Mine was mortally offended and disgusted that I dared to serve divorce papers and feels that he must, in some way, be recompensed for the injustice of it because, after all, I'm the one who is at fault.

My children are a bit older than yours, but they were suffering as a result of his behaviour and even asked my why I was still with him. If you are in the same situation then you really are doing the right thing.

[butterfly56]

So sorry you are going through this OP. It's a living nightmare for you and the DCs.
Have you got a plan for the next few days or weeks even incase things escalate with him.

Is he being served at work or at home?.
Is he still living in the house?.
Will you have any friends or relatives with you when he is served?
Do the Police know of any of the the previous abuse or have you given them the heads up about him being served and you and the kids being scared to death of him?
Is there any way you and the DCs could go to family for a few after he is served so that you have some support?

You don't have to answer any of these questions.
I was just hoping that you had a solid plan/support in place for you and the DCs.

[butterfly56]

There's also a support thread in this section for people divorcing their STBXH against their wishes which may be of help OP.