Worst decision a woman could make

[Notbeingrobbed]

As a working mother with two children to support, my divorce has made me see that getting married was the worst financial decision I ever made.

I have been the higher earner so will lose a big chunk of the money that I have made throughout my life. I also have the kids to support (happy to).

My ex will get a big payout having benefitted from my income as well as his own for years.

Why would any modern woman marry? Oh, because we are all influenced by society (and hormones) to think it’s a good thing.

People say I am arguing like a man. But the law was surely designed to protect a stay-at-home mother with children from a husband who leaves. Not to protect a layabout-at-home father?

I am sure it happens both ways round too - no money for the children unless you let me see them etc.

Loads of women are sympathetic to men denied contact with children because we know how it would feel not to see our children.

There are some men however who want 100% residence or nothing and it becomes almost a power game with them rather than sitting down and negotiating what might be right for the children which might be different. Anyway it is never an easy issue.

I remember in my first school we learned about King Solomon having to decide which of two competing mothers would get a child and how you cannot cut them into halves.

1 Kings 3:16-28 New King James Version (NKJV)
Solomon’s Wise Judgment

16 Now two women who were harlots came to the king, and stood before him. 17 And one woman said, “O my lord, this woman and I dwell in the same house; and I gave birth while she was in the house. 18 Then it happened, the third day after I had given birth, that this woman also gave birth. And we were together; [a]no one was with us in the house, except the two of us in the house. 19 And this woman’s son died in the night, because she lay on him. 20 So she arose in the middle of the night and took my son from my side, while your maidservant slept, and laid him in her bosom, and laid her dead child in my bosom. 21 And when I rose in the morning to nurse my son, there he was, dead. But when I had examined him in the morning, indeed, he was not my son whom I had borne.”

22 Then the other woman said, “No! But the living one is my son, and the dead one is your son.”

And the first woman said, “No! But the dead one is your son, and the living one is my son.”

Thus they spoke before the king.

23 And the king said, “The one says, ‘This is my son, who lives, and your son is the dead one’; and the other says, ‘No! But your son is the dead one, and my son is the living one.’ ” 24 Then the king said, “Bring me a sword.” So they brought a sword before the king. 25 And the king said, “Divide the living child in two, and give half to one, and half to the other.”

26 Then the woman whose son was living spoke to the king, for she yearned with compassion for her son; and she said, “O my lord, give her the living child, and by no means kill him!”

But the other said, “Let him be neither mine nor yours, but divide him.”

27 So the king answered and said, “Give the first woman the living child, and by no means kill him; she is his mother.”

28 And all Israel heard of the judgment which the king had rendered; and they feared the king, for they saw that the wisdom of God was in him to administer justice.

I am sure it happens both ways round too - no money for the children unless you let me see them

That will have been tried many times, but will fail in the Courts I am sure as NRP is obliged to pay CM whether they see the child or not. Access is a separate subject, but still seems to favour the RP who is usually Ex wife.

Courts can issue Contact Orders if they are satisfied there is no risk to the child, but how can they be enforced? My ex plays the game;

"Courts will never put me in jail as who else would look after the child?"

These days King Solomon could have ordered a DNA test.

Missed, I know although atl east you havce a right to apply to the court for contact. I don't think my children or i can force their father to look after them even one night a year so I have forced on me 365 nights a year. I suppose people could apply for a contact order forcing the other person to have the children some of the time but if that person says no not one night a year the judge would not order it.

Payout / settlement depends on a variety of things. Including age, length of marriage, needs , custody etc.

Make a list of what you brought to the table before marriage and after.

Split the after bit 50/50. And go from there.

It is a myth that the lower earned simply gets 50% of everything the other person ever earned.

50% is a starting point and applies to only what was earned during marriage.

Document everything you brought to the table before marriage. And ask for an unequal share.

The law allows a FAIR share and this is not always an EQUAL share.

True though that marriage only benefits the lower earner.

In response to @MissedTheBoatAgain

The law will allow payment to be made if one spouse lost out economically. Typically as a result of child raising.

If you can prove the spouse didn't lose out economically then you have a case for unequal share.

That is what I am doing. My STBXW earned a lot more after I met her because the opportunities I gave her. She only did 9 months off work. Then went back.

You need to consider wider context. And make a case.

Getting married is a massive MASSIVE commitment. You are promising to stay with and love someone for the rest of your life. THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. can you honestly do that ? People change. How can it be possible ? Best avoided at all costs. Get a career and be independent.

THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. can you honestly do that ? People change. How can it be possible

Maybe that's why 42% of marriages in UK end in Divorce?

People didn’t live so long in the past. Women died in childbirth, men died in wars. Marriage is designed for diffferent Times.

I agree with both of you Missed and Notbeing.

The night before my wedding I was really worried about what would happen if years down the line it went wrong. What I was going to do the next day would affect the rest of my life. I realised the answer is divorce, so there is a way out. And then I went to sleep. Got married the next day, had children, and 30 odd years later I wanted out.

@Itsnotme123 did you realise those 30 years ago what the divorce might cost you - even your pension, for example? I didn’t.

I would have been a lot better off unmarried all these years, even with the same relationship. Maybe my STBEX wouldn’t have stuck around so long - because maybe he was always in it for the money.

At least I have my children. Other than them, marriage has just been an exercise in fleecing me. I’m in my 50s, my best years for earning and living are probably behind me and now I am waving goodbye to my life savings.

Marriage protects you where one partner has sacrificed their earning potential to raise children (even more when one dc has additional needs) I have no idea about anyone's personal circumstances here but it has to be equal rules for men and women. Divorce doesn't have to mean unfair settlements by the way, people can amicably come up with a split solution, not the case I'm guessing with many of the tales here

Averages can be misleading, but average length of a marriage in UK is 11.5 years apparently with men and women marrying at average age of 32.5 and 30.6 years old respectively. Based on those numbers then people are divorcing mostly in their 40's?

So not convinced about the people living longer logic. I think it is more to do with the introduction of birth control and Women now being able to pursue their own careers. Hence they no longer have to be subservient to husbands like in previous generations?

Settlements may seem unfair on the day they are made, but remember they are meant to take into account future needs. In a typical scenario (if there is such a thing in Divorce) whereby wife was SAHM to look after children and only the husband worked then very possible the wife will receive a greater share of assets, particularly if the children are young. Logic being that as time passes the Husbands higher earning potential will balance out the difference in asset split.

Does anybody before a wedding stop to add up the potential costs in the event of a divorce? Probably not as so many things can change between marriage and divorce. If anyone has doubts maybe they should not marry?

I did sacrifice earning potential - I didn’t work full time but I was the higher earner. So maybe he should compensate me for that. But that ain’t going to happen because the law is unfair.

But that ain’t going to happen because the law is unfair

Can't remember the case, but sure there has been a ruling that there was no distinction between breadwinner and home maker? Certainly true in previous generations where there were often 5 or more children involved. Maybe less so today as many wives also work and husbands help around the house. Effectively both partners are part breadwinner and homemaker.

Yes, the law makes no distinction. But salaries are not equal - so tell me why the split should be 50:50? But apparently that’s what it is. I have been milked.

@Notbeingrobbed

Out of interest what is your earnings and his?

The 50/50 will only apply to the difference in wages if you see my maths.

My earnings 70%, his 30%, approx.

How long was the marriage? Are there children under 18?

Yes, one child under 18 (and one over 18 but still dependent), 22 years penal servitude, I mean marriage.

Courts will likely consider 22 years as a long marriage. Hence a greater likelihood of a 50:50 deal on assets. Children over 18 will not be considered as dependent. However, if they choose to attend University then they will likely rely on help from parents.

Yes, one parent supporting them, me.

@Notbeingrobbed

If you earn 70% and he 30%, then if you split everything 50/50, your net loss of what your value / earnings is, would be 20%.

Follow?

Yes, 20% loss, plus what he spent when he could freely take. My sense of injustice is because I have worked extremely hard and have raised the children - they say I have been more of a parent to them than him. Plus I will be supporting them still.

It’s the same sense of injustice I feel when a man sits on his computer expecting me, also a worker, to cook his dinner and do his washing. I am not a servant or a second class citizen yet the law greats me this way.

@Notbeingrobbed

Be glad there is no infidelity taking place.

I'm effectively paying my STBXW to cheat leave and continue her affair. Meaning I see less of my son as a result.

It adds an extra layer of pain.