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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Ex step father wants access

15 replies

Comeandhaveago · 13/09/2018 21:28

My ex was step father to my 2
children for 6 years. We have been separated for 3 years now. We have one DD together. My eldest DD chose not to see him when we split up. My DS has continues to see him a couple of times a week when the youngest DD goes. He now does not want to go during the week, will go at a weekend (though if given a choice would not bother. )
My ex says he has to go and if I refuse to send him he will apply to court for a child arrangement order as apparently it is not in my DS or our younger DD’s interest if he stops going....
Does anyone know if he is likely to get this granted and therefore have open access to my DS? He is 11 and I would never stop him seeing his step father but if he doesn’t want to go do I really have to force him? It seems so wrong.....
Is this something I could ask a solicitor in a free half hour meeting?

OP posts:

popsanddolls · 13/09/2018 21:32

He has no parental responsibility for your child so therefore no legal right. If your child do not want to go then that's the childs choice at 11. I'm guessing your child knows this man isn't his father. X

Doyoumind · 13/09/2018 21:33

Does he have parental responsibility? How old is DS?

Doyoumind · 13/09/2018 21:34

Sorry. Just realised he's 11. No, he can't do anything about it if your DS doesn't want to go.

Original poster

Comeandhaveago · 13/09/2018 21:52

He says apparently DS is considered ‘a child of the marriage’ and as his step father he has had an influence on his upbringing. That’s certainly true - but for me this is about the child’s wishes. At 11 he is quite able to make up his mind.
Thanks for your comments, I will speak to the mediator and hope I am not forced to court...

OP posts:

MyCatIsBonkers · 13/09/2018 21:57

I thought 'child of the marriage' refers to children born while you're married.

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 13/09/2018 21:59

If he lived with the children for more than three years he can apply.

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 13/09/2018 22:05

However, you are correct. The child’s wishes and feelings, in light of their age and understanding, will be taken into account.

I’d say at 11, his opinion will carry weight.

popsanddolls · 13/09/2018 22:06

He still doesn't have parently responsibility. Regardless of being married to you. Unless you have been to court and legally given him parental responsibility if your the only parent named on the birth certificate x

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 13/09/2018 22:10

Not true pops. He doesn’t need PR

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 13/09/2018 22:12

Section 10(5) of the Children Act:

(5)The following persons are entitled to apply for a residence or contact order with respect to a child—
(a)any party to a marriage (whether or not subsisting) in relation to whom the child is a child of the family;
(b)any person with whom the child has lived for a period of at least three years;

Original poster

Comeandhaveago · 13/09/2018 22:13

No he doesn’t have parental responsibility but @Moose has confirmed what he says - he lived with them over 3 years so can apply to the court.
It’s hard to drag the children in to this and I fear it will actually ruin his relationship with DS in the end. But if he does not want to go I simply will not insist - so to court we go then....
Perhaps it will work in my favour that he has never tried to insist my elder DD goes so why DD

OP posts:

Original poster

Comeandhaveago · 13/09/2018 22:13

why DS I meant....

OP posts:

popsanddolls · 13/09/2018 22:19

I think the judge will order cafcass report. Speaking to your son. If he doesn't have PR and your son doesn't want to go I don't think there's much they will do x

ASimpleLampoon · 21/10/2018 16:25

See a solicitor a and get proper legal advice. Some solicitors have a family law surgery which will give a free initial consultation.

I am not sure what the exact situation will be in the case of a stepfather without PR who has been divorced 3 years but in the case of my parents they had to apply for permission to make an application. Only a parent with PR can go directly to court.

Anyone making a court application will need to attempt mediation first. You could refuse mediation in certain circumstance, if there was domestic abuse, or on the grounds the child does not wish to have contact. If there are concerns for your or the children's welfare, then the mediator could deem mediation to be unsuitable. (I personally don't think there'd be anything to lose by attending an initial mediation assessment, known as a miam, to discuss the situation with the mediator and see what happens. If you go ahead with mediation, for example you could just state that the child does not want contact and offer indirect contact (letters, cards) to pass on to the child, with it being left to the child to respond if they chose to do so in the future.

Once mediation has been attempted, or deemed to be unsuitable, then he could apply to the court for permission (please check this part with a solictor as I may be wrong) . There will be a directions hearing and you will be sent details of this. You could turn up and oppose it, on the grounds the child does not want it to happen, but bear in mind in most cases in the interests of giving a fair hearing, the vast majority of applications are granted. This bears no relation to the merits of the case, whether they have a strong or no chance, so dont worry if it's granted. You will then need to attend a hearing called a FHDRA, which is a bit like mediation to see if it can be resolved without going to court. It's very likely that your dc's wishes will be taken into account. I think your ex may have a lot of hurdles to cross to get contact, but do get some proper legal advice. If you can't afford it there may be volunteers at the court that can help explain the process and help with paperwork, or there may be volunteer solicitors there who can give a bit of advice, and explain a bit more about the legalities. Ask at Citizen's advice to find out if there is anywhere else you could get help x. Good luck

BotherationBuggeration · 21/10/2018 16:55

Does he want your DS there to give younger DD someone to play with and talk to, thereby making his contact time with her much easier? You know - leave them playing and go and read the newspaper, or take them to the park and sit on a bench and watch, rather than having to do much proper interacting?

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