New relationship advice, when do I tell ex?

[mummyceecee]

Hi,

I spilt up with my partner last year due to his drug dependency that he hid from me. He’s in treatment and doing well and sees our child regularly.
I have just started seeing someone and it’s going really well, he also had kids from a previous relationship which is a bonus. One snag. He was a close friend of my ex. They have not been in touch for about 8 years but we both know it’s going to be tricky when my ex finds out.
We want to meet up with our kids, but we would not make our relationship known to them just yet. We will say we are friends. I know if my daughter mentions his name to my ex he will get suspicious so when do I tell the ex?
There are a couple of reasons that I am putting this off. 1. It could cause a relapse. 2. I don’t want to hurt him as we have been on good terms since the break up and I have been supportive during his treatment. 3. I think my ex still thinks we could try again when he’s recovered. 4. It’s still a new relationship and it could end so am I being premature in thinking I should tell him so early on?

Any advice would be much appreciated x

If you have only just started seeing him you should not be involving your kids. At all!

But if both feel it's going somewhere then it’s good to introduce each other slowly. Have play dates in neutral locations once in a while, what’s the harm in that?

How long have you been seeing him?

A few months but we’ve known each other for 20 years.

My exes partner met our kids after 3 months but I knew. I wouldn’t introduce the kids to your new partner without the courtesy of telling your ex first.

The fact that you think it’s a possibility that you could get back with your ex when he’s recovered is enough to stop this new relationship. You could just keep vaguely in touch with the new man until you know for sure how it’ll be with your ex.

I certainly wouldn’t involve the children yet whatever ages they are, it could go badly wrong.

Or, you keep seeing the new man with the guilt and lies that go with it. Can you honestly put up with that ?

If you read it properly you see I have no intention of getting back with the ex. But he seems to think there’s a chance. My concern is him reacting badly to the news I’ve moved on. I’m afraid he’d relapse but I don’t like lying to him. Why should I not move on? I spent 13 years being treated badly and lied to but I don’t hold that against him. This new guy treats me with respect and has made me realise I am worth something and just how badly I was treated in the past.

OP I have recently been in your situation, my ex did not take our break up well and hit the booze and drugs for some months after.

I met someone new and finally felt happy and loved again after 14 difficult years with ex. I was very worried about how he would take the news and put it off for several months, however 2 weeks ago I just told him and it was no way as awful as I'd built it up in my head. He obviously told me it wasn't what he wanted to hear but knew we were over and wanted me to be happy.

We will be introducing kids next month as friends and have days out together to start building those relationships but I wouldn't have felt comfortable doing it without telling ex.

You just need to think about you now, I know it's hard and you don't want to hurt him and yes there is a chance he could take it bad and relapse but he isn't your problem now.

I’ve started a new relationship 4 months ago. It’s actually with my first serious bf from 20 years ago! But weirdly we both live in the same town (not where we grew up) and our kids go to the same club. At the moment the only contact we have is play dates with the kids who all get on really well. It’ll be at least another 4 months before I introduce him as more than a friend.

In your case I would say that you’d unare not responsible for how your ex reacts to you dating. But it’s early days. I’d keep the kids and the ex out of it until you are absolutely sure that this is a long term relationship

Agree - you are NOT responsible if he has a relapse - totally his problem, don't tailor your decisions to suit him, suit yourself