Ex husband threatening mediation/family court

[avocadosrus]

slightly long will try not to ramble
Divorced 8+ years 3dc, eldest is 18 so stays mostly with me sees his dad as and when.
Younger 2 (14&11) stay 4 days with me & 3 days with exh it has been like this since we split, he has never made any noises about wanting to change it & neither have DC's.
UNTIL last w/e then out of the blue apparently the younger DC's want it to be shared care 50/50 apparently completely their idea!
I have a terrible relationship with exh and cannot talk about this with him without an argument (not in front of kids)
I do not believe that the kids want this,it's causing them huge stress they tell me one thing & then him another.
I think it is financially motivated as as soon he has them 50/50 he will not have to pay maintenance! (He only pays for youngest as he gets child benefit for middle one thanks to the amazing decision of the CB office some years ago!!!)
He now says he wants to go down the mediation route & then family court does anybody have experience of this??

If it’s already 4/3, then what would 50/50 entail? What does he envisage?

Mediation is probably the best thing to do, discuss it with impartial observer who can help you reach agreements.

He's wanting it so that over a 2 week period it's 7 days each. I just think that if it isn't broken then it doesn't need changing!
His motives for wanting to change are financial and not for the kids imo I just doubt that mediation will see that!

And are your motives for not changing financial or because it's in the best interests of the kids? Without his money would you be fine?

If you refuse mediation and it goes to court then it will go against you. So call his bluff and do mediation.

@wobytide I don't believe that the change is in the childrens best interest, I live very locally to both their schools whereas he is some distance away and drives them in (& is therefore often late) he struggles to do pickups & relies on other people whereas I work school hours. No, I couldn't manage without his money, I do feel that his decision is financially motivated but obviously mine isn't black & white either.
@sprinkles I will definitely do the mediation I don't know if to do a pre-emptive strike and organise my own first?

Given their ages I doubt a judge would order anything imo.

Oh that's difficult. I'd definitely do mediation (so you can show you've done it if you do go to court). If the children really want 50/50 then it'll be harder but do they really want that? My ex h was pressuring my DC to say they wanted to live with him, eventually the eldest broke down at school in tears - (primary school) and were signed the school counsellor. They didn't want to live with their dad in this case, and eventually the headmaster spoke to ex h to tell him to stop stressing the kids out. It calmed down after that.

Is it possible to know for sure what your DC want? The older one is 14, so presumably starting GCSE studies. Not the time for extra stress. By the time it did come to court after mediation the child would be 15 so not really worth amending contact order at that age. I had CAfcaas involved , they may well wish to talk to the DC alone.

Thank you for the replies, I do think that he is massively piling on the pressure particularly with my DD she is very about what is fair and is worried sick about taking sides. This has honestly come out of nowhere, so the only reason I can think is that it is financial.
My DS has already said that when he takes his GCSE's next year he wants to stay with me f/t as his dad can't get him to school on time. My concern is that what they tell me/him may not be what what they say when asked.

It definitely sounds as though there is pressure on them. When is your DS 16? Early on in school year? Because after 16 I think a contract order no longer supplies in normal circumstances? So your DS can decide himself at that point.

*applies

Hi@avocadosrus

I had a similar situation. We had always done 3/4 nights (4 nights with me) our of the blue after me being unable to change a weekend for him I had a text saying 'actually from now on I think it's Fair that it's 50/50 etc etc ) it actually coincided with me meeting someone and having a serious relationship. I think that was the trigger. But anyway... it could have been to avoid CM? Not sure.

There isn't really much manoeuvring to get to 50:50 when it's 3/4 anwYay... but he was adamant he wanted it split so it's 'fair'

We went to mediation and made some agreement about extra days in holidays. But ultimately the mediator managed to make him see the Fair doesn't have to be 50/50 it has to be fair to the kids. And they were happy as things were, so why rock the boat. But he does get some extra time now.

Reading your OP again, I expect you could get something sorted through mediation. My ex kept saying that he would have 'no choice' but to take me to court if I didn't agree. But the mediator made him (and me) see that there weren't just 2 options... she also said that court would make things far worse (our relationship) and is not a positive thing for children. So if can be avoided then great

@garamedouar DS is actually only just 14 (august bday) so a bit of a way of making his own decision re where he can stay although I do think that he knows which side his bread is buttered!!
@blueskiespls thats really interesting re mediation and I definitely hadn't thought of there being more than the 2 options ( I doubt he had either), I do not want to put my children through going court

Oh , so he won't turn 16 until after his GCSE's. As blueskies says hopefully in mediation he can see a bit more from a 3rd party point of view that any decision should be in the best interests of the children. Not just slicing them down the middle!

Try not to be scared of mediation, they are very sensible and experienced.

And let him organise it - he's the one who wants to change the status quo

Thank you so much that's really helped loads, I've been panicking h loads this week. I will let him set the ball rolling then and hopefully the outcome will be in the best interest for the kids

What are you going to do when the kids are older and you don't get his money anymore? You need to be able to financially support yourself and be planning for it.

@indianwoman obviously I know the money is not so great that I do not have to work!

I'm in EXACTLY the same position and what I've learnt is don't be scared of the mediators or CAFCAS they are there to diffuse difficult situations.
My ex is even taking me to court for child abuse and he's stopped my child benefit ( which likE OP says try not to be dependent on it)
I am at university and trying to be financially independent.As of next month I will be.
What my exH has realised is the reality of 50/50 Is exceptionally difficult to manage and had to quickly find himself a girlfriend that would do it all for him .... don't be scared start saving a bit of money if you can and be ready.
The courts insist that you do mediation before a hearing.i did it twice and failed!your exH like mine may be persuaded that you will spend far more money going down this route than you will ever recoup in benefits!!! I think mine did it so that whilst I had no income I couldn't afford the house anymore. It's dirty play if it is financially motivated but he WILL have to put forward exactly how he will manage this arrangement!THEN the children have to agree so he's got a long road before this will ever happen.
Check your legal aid status ASAP.good luck but don't be scared x

@samesh1tdifferentday thanks for your reply and advice. It's just so stressful and unnecessary in my case, there is no need to put our children through this.

If you can, find a mediator who is licensed to work with children. Mediation broke down the first time for me when ex was adamant his £80k pension was only worth £4k. Ive gone back to court for the children and since the first mediation he's assaulted me 2x and been arrested so i completed a C100 and no further mediation. Our mediator was trained and licensed to meet with our teenager if necessary.