Another woman was there weren't they??

[VivaVegas]

Previously posted about issues H and I were having, mid life crisis, loves me but not in love with me, needed space etc etc
Started a trial separation last week.
I have suspected there might be something going on with a work colleague (messaging her while we were in holiday, popping round to see her when her boyfriend was away) but he is friends with both of them and has been for years and denies anything more and I have no real proof.
Tonight he called me on his way home from work said he was tired and going home to bed. DC was a bit upset (this is the first week daddy hasn't been home every night) and said he missed him so I said he's nearly home now shall by pop by and say goodnight.
We did and when he saw us at the door he went mad, was gone for a good while saying he couldn't find his keys and what were we doing there through the door and really flustered. DC said he could hear him shouting but I couldn't.
He eventually let us in, asked me to go upstairs and went mad with me (we had agreed we wouldn't turn up unannounced).
When we came down I noticed a bunch of keys and a mobile on the table by the sofa (they weren't his they were in the door) phone wasn't his either, too small. He must have noticed as he sat on the table in front of them and then got angry again as he'd knocked his diffuser over.
We left he sent me 2 nasty texts saying he was fuming, if broken the rules and what was I playing at.
I know the answer to my question that I've busted him but how do I prove it as he'll only deny it again.

I don't think you need to prove anything . Sounds like the trial separation will lead to divorce. Is that how you envisaged it?

I don't understand why you feel the need to prove it? Would it in someway validate the need to divorce? You know he's with someone else.

It's game over for your marriage - and lack of evidence doesn't change that.

I'm sorry its come to this. I've ended a marriage with a small child and it's not easy. However I'm MUCH happier and better off in every way now. It will take time but you'll look back and not recognise yourself as you are now.

It's just the fact he has denied it every time I have asked him if there is someone else right from the start. He has also denied there being someone else to his family who have also asked from the outset as it was such a shock to everyone (me included!).
We sat down for hours talking last week before he moved out and again I asked him that the separation was still a trial and that if he had any other thoughts he needed to be honest with me as it was now involving the DC, he said it was. He cried on and off all evening, said he's not in a good place mentally and needs to sort himself out.
So on that basis I thought it was a genuine trial as we also agreed we would both still behave as though we were married in respect of fidelity, trust etc.
And then this today, I'm starting to think I was imagining the stuff on the table but even if I hadn't seen those why would he be so angry with his wife and son turning up??

Sounds like there was someone there. It’s a shame he’s not being honest with you.

I read your other post at the time, sorry it turned out like this. Has the hallmarks of mid life crisis.

You don't need to prove it though do you. There is no need.

Yes he's seeing someone else. Yes she was there. He should be honest with you. But yes that's why you're not allowed to turn up unannounced. You're seperated. And he's right, you can't just turn up with your child unannounced.

I'm sorry op. But no you don't need to prove it.

I'm guessing he's angry because he doesn't want to be dickhead that left his wife and child for another woman. There's a stigma attached to that that he wishes to avoid.

By playing the innocent card he can face his family/friends with the "good guy" image of a "trial separation" and try to avoid the divorce proceedings getting nasty due to your wrath over the other woman.

He's playing you. Don't let him.

I suppose I want to know for sure as when I've raised it before he has got quite angry and said either here we go again or there's nothing more to be said and that I'm paranoid so I guess I want to give him facts he can't deny and get him to admit it once and for all.

She lives with her long term partner and H is friends with both of them.
It's going to get messy!

Oh OP this is so shitty, I'm really sorry! Why do men do that? I agree with PP that he probably doesn't want to look like the guy who left his wife for an OW. I wish he would be honest with you. Good luck OP.

You know. He knows you know.

Trying to get him to admit it changes nothing. Given his behaviour to date why give a flying f**k as to what he admits or not? He is worth neither your time or effort.

To be honest, it's probably not the person you think op. It's often the last person you'd think. Sometimes though gut instinct is right,

I've just read your other threads, is he worried you'll move away and take your child, is maybe that why he's not being honest?

Well tell him you saw the keys and the phone on the table and you know they amwerent his. Ask him who was there and why he was hiding them from you? If it was just a friend he'd have told you they were there wouldn't he, the friend would have said hello, not hid from you.

Can't sleep, just can't believe he would do this to me/ destroy our family.
I need to confront him tomorrow.
Why the he'll has he been so nice this week and so tearful about things when we speak??

I really feel for you as I know what it's like to be lied to by the person you loved. The best advice I can give you is don't waste any more effort trying to find out whether your partner is lying to you instead invest time in yourself and your dc. You deserve better than this. I spent 4 years trying to find out if my husband was lying to me (he was) it actually made me ill and was taking over my life. I am now out of the relationship and looking back I wonder how I ever stayed in it. I am feeling stronger everyday. Your partner may genuinely be going through a mid life crisis and if you show him that you are going to get on with your life anyway it may give him the wake up call that he needs. My gut instinct tells me though you are better off out of there now.

Sorry OP it sounds like he is undecided about what he wants and is likely playing you both along.
Even if he does decide tomorrow he wants to come home and play happily families is that what you would want now? Could you ever trust him again?
Don't let him mess with your head any more, whilst he messes around and keeps his options open.

Your husband wants his cake and to eat it too. He can play happy families when he wants to and when he doesn't, he can be the single 'man about town'.

You just need to decide how much longer you want to give it. It's been a week of separation and if he's going to react like that on the first night he's not seen his son, there's something going on he doesn't want to admit to. Anyone who was invested in their relationship would surely be pleased you had made the effort to come to them instead of them always coming to you surely? Or at least say 'I'm really sorry, I'm shattered tonight but I will give ds ten minutes or whatever. Do you mind waiting in the car (if they didn't want to see you). His was a complete overreaction to what might have been a nice thing to do. Although given you agreed no unannounced visits, that would have be asking what he was hiding from the start.

He's at work again today, I've sent him a text, nothing back as yet.
Managed a ridiculous 2 hours sleep last night, going to be a long day🙁

Why the he'll has he been so nice this week and so tearful about things when we speak??

My h of nearly 20 Years behaved similarly to yours: he had an affair with a colleague who was also married with two young children. He did six months of cake eating before I realized and felt strong enough to suggest we separate. Even now -a year after separating and in the final stages of our divorce proceedings - he often breaks down and cries.
This can be for many of reasons: regret, fear, frustration, sadness, etc.
Which of these it is for your h only he will know, but perhaps even he himself doesn't? Mine certainly never seemed able to explain why.
I think the most important thing to realize here is that they cry for themselves and not for us.
Wishing you strength

That's shit OP.

Unless he's completely honest and comes clean and there's an innocent explanation, then it's game over.

Time for you to start the mind change and start getting all paperwork in order.

Hugs.

Too tired to see DC but not ‘someone else’? That would sting a bit. It would me.
Could the phone be his ‘2nd’ phone? Although having 2 phones could be quite suspicious in itself. I think what I’m trying to say is make sure of your facts before you act on them. If it turns out to be true, you’ve got your answer and time to move on. It hurts like hell I know but don’t waste anymore time caring for someone who treats you badly. Just look out for you and your children. Hugs.

You can't have a trial separation where you have to act like you are still married. The whole point to a trial separation is to act like you are separated so you can see how you feel about it.

But you say you had agreed to not turn up unannounced, so you must have been trying to catch him out and I can see why he would be upset by that. He could easily have had a female friend over, that doesn't mean he is sleeping with them.

Your now separated, you need to act like your separated, give him some space and stop checking up on him. Either the separation will became permanent or he will come back to you.

Personally I think you should have seen a divorce lawyer a long time ago.

we had agreed we wouldn't turn up unannounced
Screw that. His child was upset. Who cares if it was unannounced. He is still a father, whether you are having a trial separation or not. Tell him stop being such a twat and man up ffs.

You can't have a trial separation where you have to act like you are still married

I'd agree with this. What were you hoping op, maybe that it was less trial and more temporary?. I also am unsure why you unexpectedly took your child round to say goodnight without telling him. She's ten. He could have texted or called her, so I'm also wondering if you were sub consciously checking up on him.

I think you both need to be honest, with yourselves first and foremost.

I suspect there is a lack of honesty here. More so from him than you, but still both of you. Taking your child round there when you'd agreed not to, wasn't fair on the child. She's not a pawn in this and she would not have went round on her own, it was on your idea and instigation.

You don't need evidence. I know you want to throw it in his face. And be able to prove to everyone he has ow. But the bottom line is it really doesn't matter. I had this with ex. I know and so does everyone else that he did the dirty on me. But if he wants to think he holds the moral high ground he doesn't. He left his wife and kids for easy sex. She is welcome to him.

That doesnt mean I'm not heart broken. Nor are my children. Our world has been thrown into chaos.

Time to get tough. And I know how hard this bit is. I let ex mess me about for 6 months. It cost me dearly. Draw your line now. You have a trial separation. Is he paying maintenance. Arrange contact for the children. If he wants to make a go of things with you. Plan date night and build from there. If he is making lame excuses. Put a stop to it. Start living your life. Show him you don't need him. It might swing things back. It might be that you beginning to find yourself. But don't be a push over. You deserve better. And have faith in karma. Hang on in there.

Hi, I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation.
I have just read you other post and it could have been my husband and our marriage you were talking about.
We (or I) went through similar at the end of last year. We have 2 children, aged 10 and 12. He had been acting a bit quiet and moody for a few weeks, which i put down to stress of a promotion at work and the usual stresses of life and children. One evening it got particularly bad so I asked him what was wrong and he told me out of the blue that he was unhappy, put a lot of the blame onto me and pretty much told me I was no fun and ruined his social life. He had started going to the gym more, lost weight, etc, etc. I was devastated, asked him if he thought he was having some sort of midlife crisis (he had just turned 40), which he laughed at, I also suggested he might be depressed, which he said he wasn't.
A couple of weeks later I found messages between him and a woman at work, 12 years his junior. Messages which made it clear they were more than just colleagues and messages in which they had talked about and laughed about me in. His best friend of 20 years and wife of 13.
When he got home from work that day his bag was packed and he was asked to leave.

Nine months later I have had a massive journey - everything from "I can't do this", to "why did he do that" to where I am now. Not completely healed and I might never be but a lot happier. I referred myself for counselling to help, which it has. I couldn't make him do anything he didn't want to do but I could work on me, so I did.
I loved him more than the world but I can't and won't love someone who thinks so little of me and who was so quick to let me go.

I think our gut instincts are rarely wrong and I think proof or not, you know what the answers are here. Good luck in whatever you decide do x