Very difficult husband

[Anxiousandtearful]

I will try to be brief but have decided to post (my first) as I am so anxious about this all. Long story short my husband and I separated a year ago - it all got a bit nasty so I backed down and we have been living together again since Jan. we have tried counselling which was useless, partly because I think he is emotionally abusive (and has been known to break stuff etc). Anayway, enough is enough and after he said I had to ‘look into buying him out’ which he later said he didn’t mean, I have done so. I can get a mortgage and have valuations organised...but I just don’t think he will go. He has tried every trick in his book to get me to back down now including saying he will have the kids (3) 50% of the time. I have just agreed this with him as I know he is using it to get at me (as he did before). But... I don’t think he will go. What can I do? I want to avoid courts and stuff but need to move on with my life. Any advice would be great.

Are you still doing wife work? His washing /ironing /cooking? Pretend he is a lodger, ignore him, look after you +dc, see a solicitor about an official separation statement, go about your single business.
Leave a rota for childcare, keep a log of his contribution to it for future reference.

You realise that he won't have to pay child support if he has 50:50? Are you sure that isn't driving him?

I would suggest that your best starting point is an appointment with a solicitor. The first one is often free. You will get sensible legal advice on how to proceed with a divorce and getting him out of the property.

Thanks. I don’t think that child maintenance is why he wants 50/50. I think it’s more to do with status and also he knows this is what made me back down last time. I am coming to terms with the fact I have probably been in an abusive relationship for years. He came back earlier with one DC and was immediately cross to another and is now laid out on the sofa doing nothing. I will take your advice about not doing anything for him but don’t want to appear petty in front of the children. In terms of his contribution for children going back to school he has done nothing/paid for nothing I am worried about his anger too and concerned he might find out I posted this. I am fed up of feeling like this all the time and just need him gone. Will go to solicitor to try to sort out house and suggest legal separation at that point - does there need to be a reason for this like divorce?

Well done on progressing the mortgage.
Is he able to do 50% childcare?

Mediation is a starting point but make sure mediator is strong..mine was hopeless and when Ex was bullying she just backed down as afraid of his reaction.

See a solicitor first, if he is abusive it is not likely he will go easily or make it amicable.
I thought if I was fair, kind and placated ex we could move on but absolutely not, his behaviour ramped up.
It was shocking how vicious he was but confirmed Ex's abusive behaviour and made everyone realise what I had tolerated.

I am 2 years down the line and life is getting better. I will not have much money but will manage but I have peace and laughter in my home.

I can't say it will be easy but take 1 step at a time and you will het through it.

A solicitor is likely to advise divorce straight away as it severs all financial ties however you could go for 2 year divorce and get a physical separation first.
In reflection my solicitor advising on divorce caused Ex to feel out of control so he got even more toxic.

Life begins - thanks for this. I do think separation is the best option as I do think divorce might wind him up more plus I would have to do ‘unreasonable behaviour’ as the reason and that would not go down well. At the end of the day I have been with him for 20 years so I can cope with a couple more. In terms of childcare he doesn’t do 50% now but this is his key bargaining chip and I work so know I won’t have an easy time persuading them for anymore. My DC are teenagers so will likely choose where they want to spend their time. Friends say he will fail at 50% but in a way I hope he doesn’t as it should improve his relationship with DC - he picks and chooses the parenting he does atm. Can I ask - did you try to get a financial settlement? I will walk away from his pension and savings just for peace but it sounds from what you said that it won’t be easy no matter how amicable I try to be. The untangling starts now and I hope in 2 years i am in the same place as you!

I’m only a few months into separation from a v similar sounding man. We’ve been married the same time as you. What I’m realising is that he’s not going to like me taking what I’m entitled to because it means he’s no longer in control. However, I am only pushing for what’s fair and so what if he doesn’t like it? Your job isn’t to placate him anymore. I understand that you don’t want to look like you’re playing games in front of the kids so don’t. Tell him you’ll work it through with a mediator or solicitor. I’m terrified. He earns 4 times what I do. However he does that because I sacrificed my earning potential to be a full time mum - something that he wanted too. Don’t be bullied and good luck.

Yes, I tried for a settlement but Ex was not reasonable. It was complicated as I had a property before meeting him and his earnings are in excess of CMS level and there were school fees. I would never have imagined how unpleasant he became but losing control caused him to escalate.

I only mention it as I wish I had forseen the situation so I was prepared. It is worth trying to get a fair settlement especially in regard to pensions as it is important to have safeguards for your future.

After years of abuse my default position was to placate him however family encouraged me to get a fair deal.

Good advice re settlement and you are both right - I shouldn’t be bothered about placating anymore. I suppose my default position is my feelings don’t count. I couldn’t sleep last night and got so anxious about the children. Does one day at a time really work.