Lonely and out of steam

[Tessie56]

I’ve been separated from my emotionally abusive husband since May. At first I felt empowered by making the choice but, 4 months in, I just feel tired and sick all the time.

I need to start the divorce petition but feel scared to open it.

In the last few months, I’ve been made redundant, split from my 19 year marriage and started a new job. It feels like everything has caught up with me this week and I just want to run away.

I’m also juggling the rollercoaster emotions of my 2 children, who are struggling with the divorce and with their fractured relationship with their dad. Neither of them want to see him because of how he’s behaved.

Anyone else been here??

Much empathy from over here. My husband of 24 years left yesterday after telling me 4 months ago he no longer loved me and wanted to separate. 3 older kids, all devastated in their own way and I lost my Dad to cancer 4 weeks after he initially told me. I feel like I have lost both the men in my life I absolutely thought I could count on within a few weeks of each other. I am exhausted at the thought of what’s ahead (house will have to be sold, separate finances etc etc) I am scared of a future so different from the one I’d imagined. All we can do is get through one day at a time. Do you have someone to talk to and help in RL?

I’m so sorry to hear your story and I totally empathise with the loss of the life you thought you were going to have. The future feels like a big black hole.

I have lots of friends and family who are supportive, although all my family live the other side of the country. I just don’t quite know how I’m going to keep doing this.

Terrified I’ve left it too late and I’ll never have any romance, love, sex again!

I’m two years on from separation. Not deny it’s a rollercoaster but feel this process is the making of me. Those closest to me see a marked change for the better. I’m beginning to feel more confident and resilient about life’s unknowns. Feel I am good role model for my children.

You will get through this. 🌻

I'm in the same boat. 22 yrs marriage over in January. I was fine until July and even dated and smiled and then it hit me and now I am struggling so badly.

It's a grieving process. For what you thought your life was going to be. For all the losses it brings.

It's horrid. You are not alone.

Thank you. It’s good to speak to “survivors”! Have a lovely day.

So sorry to hear both of your stories, such alot to take.

I separated from my husband 10 months ago and have two small children, sometimes i feel very happy and other times out of nowhere i feel the weight of responsibility so heavily and the endless days ahead and i also just want to run away.

I am not a self help book person but saw a recommendation for a book called I Am The Parent Who Stayed. This was really timely for me as I was having a real low time.

I would recommend this book to anyone in our situation as it recognises everything you have been through, but helps you let go, and reframe yourself as a person who is in charge of and excited about the life you now lead.

I don't have any friends or family that are in a position to help so it is all on me. I find that if I allow myself to feel sorry for myself for too long the whole house of cards falls.

I have to really try and be proud of myself for being the one still leading and laughing with my children.

Very best of luck to you both, it's a bumpy road but it is so much better than the pain of an abusive or selfish husband

Yes definitely agree with gin.

It is grief, I can be doing really well and out of nowhere waves of grief hit. I have to be patient and understand a 20 marriage takes a while to 'get over'!

Thank you so much. It’s so lovely of you to take the time. I’m going to get that book ordered today. Good luck with your journey x

There's no need to hurry on with the divorce. It might even be better to leave it for 2 years and do it on a 2 year separation, then you won't have to think about all the unpleasantness. In the meantime, try to concentrate on the positives - no more nastiness, you got the new job, and the world's your lobster!

You might be right. He’s just so controlling with money and so I want to get that sorted legally. He threatens to withdraw the money all the time.

Good to hear other stories, positive and otherwise, really helps to know you’re not the only one going through it and that people come out the other side. Grieving is so accurate, at the moment I feel shock and disbelieve. I’m going to focus on enjoying this beautiful day and then look at the financial situation next week and get some advice as to where I stand, I am very vulnerable financially having given up my career 20 years ago (although i am self employed part time) for his now stellar career 🙁

Same here FVFrog. He’s on 4 times as much as me because I stayed at home with the kids for years. I’m so angry with myself for losing all financial control.

I remember when Ex left I felt elated at first,genuine feelings of relief however after a while exhaustion kicked in.

Having been in an abusive marriage your cortisol levels will have been high so phyiscally you made need to recover.
I had major health issues less than a year after separating which I feel is a result of stress build up.

It is now 2 years and I definitely have more good days than bad but divorce is horrific if you are dealing with an abusive person.
Start a self care program, take small steps and know that it WILL get better. Starting rhe divorce process was so stressful but once underway it just rolls on.

Be prepared for his unreasonable behaviour, if he was a good and decent man you would still be with him! Congratulate yourself for being strong enough to get out.

Thank you so much. Good words of wisdom. I wish you well x

2 years plus on. So many highs and lows. It is a hard time. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you.