How are your children doing and was it the right thing?

[indianwoman]

Hi,

I feel like my marriage has run its course. I've been very unhappy for years with an emotionally abusive husband. I've disengaged so much and he rarely engaged anyway that our conversations nowadays are purely functional. I feel so sad that it should be a better marriage but it isn't .

I'm seeing a solicitor next week to see what the financials might look like in a divorce and that is a major concern, but my most important and worrying thought is the effect on the children. My dc are 11 and 7 and I want to do the right thing by them. The 7 year old has turned into a mini dh, lots of name calling and nastiness. The 11 year old knows her dad is not like other people and has no empathy and makes very wrong parenting decisions, actually they both know that bit.

But I don't know if it is best to stay for them and live with their dad with the not very nice atmosphere and blow up arguments every now and then and seeing the lack of affection or to split. I just don't know how to tell what is the right thing to do.

Can anyone advise how their own children were before and after please?

Hi @indianwoman Can't be much help as am in the same situation and feel completely trapped. My DCs are slightly older but I know they're aware of things - they're on the receiving end of his temper sometimes. There are lots of reasons to split - but I'm scared of it being the wrong choice for the DCs.

It's a horrible limbo. But I keep reading on here that it's really important to value how you feel and trust it. And that it can be better for the DCs if the family set up is unhappy.

Stay strong OP.

I've seen this from both the perspective of child and adult.

When I was 10 my parents divorced. It was no surprise to me. They actively avoided each other (one leaving the house as the other entered) and having big shouty arguments when I was "asleep" (their shouting frequently woke me up).

There was a tense atmosphere in the house and both of them were clearly miserable.

I was not consulted. I was TOLD I was living with my mum. I resented this no end. I'm a daddy's girl. I hated not having my dad around every day however I did spend every weekend at his.

Apart both of them were much happier. My dad moved on and got his life in order and remarried a few years down the line. My mum now happily lives with her long term bf.

My mum actively bitched about my step mum (without even having met her!) which I resented no end. My gran (mum's mum) would get the odd dig in as well which hurt and upset me. Then were was the awkwardness of family functions. Both my sibling and I had VERY low key weddings abroad to avoid both sides of the family having to meet after 20 odd years of having nothing to do with each other (were previously very close). Other than that -life was good.

I got married, had a child and it all fell apart. My son no longer sees my ex (ex's decision) and I resent him no end for that. However I have NEVER bad mouthed him and never will. I've been that child and it's horrible.

I'm in a MUCH better place having left my husband. We were not meant to be. It's actually taken meeting my soul mate for me to realise that. My ex and I were wholly incompatible and essentially made each other miserable. I'm a completely different person and don't recognise my past self. I know that if I'd stayed with him my mental health would have suffered terribly (that process had already begun).

I'm in no doubt that whilst it's not ideal - my son is better off with me and my partner. He's doing extremely well in school and is a shiny happy boy with lots of friends. Several of his friends have divorced parents and he understands that these things happen. Especially since he has 3 sets of grandparents!

You are your children's main role models. Consider if you want them to be in a similar relationship when they are older, although not always most children mirror to some degree their parents relationship (unless they make a conscious decision/ work on recognising dysfunctional or toxic relationships).
I know it's an awful position to be in, sending you

You have to do what is right for you.

My parents separated when I was young. I knew no different. I didn't like it. My mother was nothing but welcoming when my father surfaced. Although as adults now I know very well my mother wants nothing to do with my dad.

Now ex has left me I understand. It is not bitterness it is betrayal. Ex treated the children and I very badly. I knew the environment wasn't good for the children. But hoped he was going through a bad spell and would swing it around. He didn't he met ow.

In answer to your question. The kids are struggling. My eldest is depressed and is self harming. The youngest behaviour is difficult. She has separation anxiety and is hard work. The fall out for them and me has been massive. Although I feel ex has handled the whole situation badly (but I would). And that hasn't helped

We are only 9 months down the line. I know in time the dust will settle and we will adapted. I know the situation. Before wasn't ideal for the kids. But then neither is this. It will be ok. Because there isn't any other option. Maybe in another year or two I will feel different. But right now ex decision and behaviour has destroyed me and our eldest. But I'm am biased right now. I wanted us to work things out. I loved him and wanted the stable family we had. Not this fragmented situation which is likely to have step parents. Half siblings etc further down the line. I grew up like that and it was shit.

Apart from the age of your kids, our stories are identical. I finally plucked up the courage to split from my husband in May. He’d been emotionally abusive to me and the kids throughout our 19 year marriage.

I can’t tell you it’s easy. The kids are so emotionally scarred by his behaviour and now by the pending divorce. They don’t really want to see him (they’re both late teens), which means that I’m left handling all their emotions, worries, outbursts etc alone whilst trying to deal with my fear, loneliness and concerns for the future.

However, what I would say is that finally making the decision and telling people what had been going on (I hadn’t ever told anyone!) was liberating. No one should ever have to live with abuse. My advice is to get you and the children out ASAP. He’ll only cause them more damage if not. Abusive men don’t change. Good luck!

It does not become magic happyland instantly, that's for sure. BUT they are already being harmed by the atmosphere. The longer you leave it the harder it will be for them. Make the choice based on what you want for your own life as well. Although right now you can probably only see what you DON'T want.
I won't say it hasn't been hard for the children, but they have never said they wished I had stayed with him or gone back. They have occasionally expressed a wish that we had a 'happy family' but that's reasonable and
understandable. The best advice I can give is that neither of you badmouths the other in front of them, that is half their DNA they hear being slated after all. It is fine for them to do it themselves!

I think I feel paralysed by fear, not knowing what the right choice is. The children have quite a love/hate relationship with my dh, but ultimately they do love him. He never disciplines them, frequently lets them do stuff I wouldn't, so I am scared they'll see me as the bad one taking them away from him or sending him away. I would never stop them seeing him, but I feel like I would minimise the bad behaviour he teaches them as well as not having to see him myself.

You'll be able to have your house your rules for once.
I suggest you do some exploring of emotional abuse to clarify your husband's behaviour fully and how it has affected you. Call any donmestic abuse service for a chat. Keep a record of incidents (I used to call them coffin nails!) Think about what you can't do now and what you would like to be able to do.
Ultimately they will appreciate you providing appropriate discipline, it's just the naturally self-centred nature of childhood that tries to get away with things and makes demands. They may like their father giving them whatever they want now, but in the long-term they will abuse this, know he is a pushover and not really respect him.

To OP

I hesitated for years before I filed for Divorce due to fears over DS. I knew it was over fairly early on (less than one year of marriage), but waited another 6 years. Big mistake.

DS, although only 8 at time when divorce started, seemed to handle things well and his school work has not suffered in any way. He is now 12 and enjoying his new school. However, his mother does her best to restrict the time he is with me and his grandparents.