Gaslighting or not? If not what is it...

[FishesThatFly]

STBXH always made me feel like l was going a bit mad as he would tell me that l'd remembered thing's incorrectly.

Earlier he collected the children and commented on the paint brush that was outside drying from where I'd been painting the fence. He was a little surprised as l never untook any DIY as l was too worried about doing it wrong and him being disappointed in me...... anyway... I'll get to the point of my post eventually!!

I said I'd put 3 coats on as it wouldn't cover the paint he'd used as he'd used kitchen and bathroom paint. He said he didn't and he'd used woodpaint. However I remember him doing it... and the paint in that colour is still in the garage!!

I am now once again doubting myself and what l remember . Is this gaslighting?

no it really isn't.
he remembers something differently to you.

It could be that he likes to disagree with you, which is common enough. An ex of mine would argue that water was opaque if I said it was clear.
But either of you could be mistaken in this scenario.

I'd take a photo of the tin of paint and post it here.

Then we can reassure you which it is.

My ex is exactly like this he will tell me I imagined things or will blatantly lie even when provided with evidence to back up what was asked. It drives me crazy wish I never had to speak to him again

I have the paint but I've painted the fence so I don't have that to show you.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast - he always remembered stuff differently to me. Would say l never listen to him, l remember wrong, that l couldn't take a joke and that's not how he ment things. In the end l just stopped with disagreeing as l was always wrong.

This is on Wikipedia

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity.

And it describes exactly how l feel

I don’t think it matters what anyone else thinks. If it’s happened consistently enough and that’s how you feel then gaslighting is what it is. I’m sorry you still have to put up with it

My ex had sex with me against my will.
Denied it next day.
Not gas lighting.
Just a twat..
Just like yours.

Are you certain though that the paint in the garage is the actual paint used on the fence? The reason I ask is that kitchen and bathroom paint would have washed away by now in the rain cos it's not that great in my experience. Mine needs redoing every 6 months or so because it gradually wipes away as I clean it.

I suppose having a "name" or explanation for it, helps me come to terms with his behaviour and helps me realise that l wasn't useless and infact l can remember stuff correctly. It helps me heal and get over him leaving for the OW.

nibblingandbiting - l came home one day to discover him painting the fence. I asked what he was doing and he basically said - l had this left over so thought I'd paint the fence.

I can't imagine why l would invent that story for myself unless it wasn't true.... although maybe you're right and I am remembering wrong.

This: Would say l never listen to him, l remember wrong, that l couldn't take a joke and that's not how he ment things.

So very familiar to me. And I have been gaslighted for years.

The end result is this: In the end l just stopped with disagreeing as l was always wrong and I can't imagine why l would invent that story for myself unless it wasn't true.... although maybe you're right and I am remembering wrong

So yes, I would say this is gaslighting. It's insidious and meant to make you feel like you are going crazy.

I have been exposed to this kind of abuse so many times, I could write a book about it. Stop doubting yourself. If you know he's wrong and you are not going nuts, believe it! It really will make your life easier.

JugglingaBoxofFrogs - thankyou

STBXH said he used woodpaint on the fence that he'd used in the house. So even if it wasn't the paint l recall it to be and is in my garage it was still not the correct paint anyway!

Lol. I know it's not a laughing matter, but sometimes you have to try and laugh at it. Really. The alternative is to continually question yourself and that is never going to end well. Most of the time, I used to just listen to the bollocks coming out of his mouth and then just say that I knew the truth and it really didn't matter if he didn't agree with me. Or, I said "I disagree" and walked away. In my case, the gaslighting went hand in hand with narcissism and I learnt that arguing with him over his "mis-remembered facts" just fed his fire.

Since we have seperated l have kept all correspondence via messenger. He still tried to argue that l was "mis-remembering"... l'd just screenshot the conversation back to him.....

For what it's worth, you must try to trust yourself but also not let him get to you when he tries to do this sort of thing again. So, as an example, when he commented on the drying paint brush, my reply would have been "yes, you are correct, there is a paint brush outside".

The end.