What does it mean? Sex with your ex...

[P3ps1cat]

long post alert

So my husband decided on NYE that he didn't want to be with me any more, we have been together 9 years, married 2 and have 2 children (6&3) together. It all came as a bit of a shock and was a very emotional week, but after a few days apart, he went back on everything saying the time apart had made him realise he does truly love me and want to be with me.

We were in the process of buying a bigger house at the time, and although I said that maybe we should pull out and wait 6 months, find another house then, but he was adamant that he knew this was what he wanted and so we pushed forward with the house.

Fast forward to July 2 months after moving into our new house....

We had an argument at the start of July, I told him I felt he didn't support me enough and didn't male enough time for me and the kids (he goes out drinking with friends most weekends) he said he loved me and wanted what's best for the me and the kids and I thought that was that and the next day he then told me that he felt like we would keep coming back here. He said he needed time and space so I gave him that as much as possible (Not easy when still living together) he continued sleeping in our bed, wanted to invite our friends over, all very confusing. At one point he said he was done, that the feelings weren't the same and the spark had gone, it all then changed again and he said he wanted to focus on us. We spent a weekend of me mainly putting the effort in and then seemed to end up back at square one with him telling me he felt he was in it more for the kids than for me.

At that point I told him he needed to stay somewhere else as it was all getting too much, we agreed to a "separated be not split" and went for a consultation with relate (which in itself was very confusing!).

He went to Ibiza with friends at the start of August, and when he came back from there decided to end the relationship saying that although he loves me, the feelings just weren't the same anymore. He swears blind nothing happened in Ibiza and to be honest I do believe him. We had a rocky week after that, he continued staying with the friend he'd been staying with before Ibiza but communication between us was tense and cold.

He came over last weekend so we could talk things through (Kids were away with my parents) it was all very emotional, he doesn't want to give counselling or anything a go and certain the spark has gone. Lots of shouting and crying (mainly by me!) But by the end of the convo we were on slightly more amicable terms.

And that's when we ended up having sex...

I'm still not completely sure how it ended up happening and he said several times before it actually did about how it would make things between us more complicated and yet some how it still happened. And it was probably the most intimate and passionate that HE has been for a long time.

In the week and a bit since, things have been a lot friendlier between us and we have ended up having sex on about 6 of those days.

I've been able to detach from the sex side, I get that it is probably just sex for him and it's actually making me feel a little more in control as I have been able to step back emotionally.

The bit I'm struggling with is that on several of the occasions we've hooked up, he has been at the house to look after kids and then asked to stay and chill out with me and watch tv and the sex has then followed. He's talked about our first date, we are both in Spain at the moment (desperate places) and he said it's a shame we were staying closer to each other as he'd have liked to have taken me and the kids out. He also went out of his way to go and buy my favourite wine and spent the evening at mine before we both went away.

Now I'm trying not to read into things too much, but has anyone had similar and what was the outcome? Is it just sex or do you think he is questioning things now that we seem to have found a "spark" again?

For the record, I wouldn't just take him back, he's started the process of getting a flat and I think it would be better if we both lived separately for the foreseeable whatever the outcome.

Thanks to anyone that's hung it out long enough to read this post

Oh my days... what a mess!!! It was already a mess before you threw the sex in there! Horrible situation for you to be in OP.

It sounds like some time apart would be really good to clear your heads. It's hard to go NC because you have kids together. But perhaps 2 weeks or so, where you just have time to yourselves? Time to think and really evaluate if you want each other in your lives? Don't date anyone else (Not that you would but it goes for both of you).

He needs to come to a clear decision. It's not fair to keep picking you up and putting you down.

I rhink he needs to explain more. The spark isn't there anymore is a load of crap and a rubbish way to get out of explaining things deeper.
What's the reason for the spark going? Ask him.

Also, and I hate to say it but I would be thinking it if I were in your position, has he been faithful? Because it sounds alot to me like he's looking elsewhere?

Try to stay and calm and just say that his indecisiveness really isn't fair on you or your children. You both need to be honest and open. And resist that overwhelming urge to hump like rabbits 😂 (been there OP, it's hard but you need to sort it)

OP here....

I genuinely don't believe he has been or is being unfaithful.

He was once before at the start of our relationship and it took a long time to forgive and move on from.

Don't get me wrong, it's not to say he couldn't have and I'm just being naive, but I just don't feel in my gut like he has been. He's not a bad guy (massively selfish and prioritises himself far too much over me and the kids, but not a bad person) and I truly believe that if he was getting it elsewhere he would cut all sorts of sexual ties with me.

He's very much a bury his head or run away when sh*t hits the fan kind of guy. He didn't have the most stable upbringing (which is not an excuse for him) but I just think no one has ever pushed him to actually ever deal with anything and I think he's got a bit stressed with life, feels like he should be getting more from it but doesn't actually know what he wants.

It's like he wants the party lifestyle at the weekend but a family to come home to during the week and isn't mature enough to realise he can't have both without a bit of compromise (he's 32 so not a child but still lacking maturity).

As I say the sex I can handle, and honestly it's weird, but I feel like my old self more than I have done for at least the last 6/7 years! I feel confident and sexy again!!

It's the chilling and reminiscing that is confusing me a bit as I don't know whether he is just being nice and not really thinking about what he's saying or whether he is confused and missing me and regretting this decision!!

I think I probably will just have to bite the bullet and have a "feelings" kind of chat when me and the kids get back from holiday.....

Yeah you know him better than I do. I think when someone cheats, more often than not, you do have an inkling. So if you don't feel that, that's good.

Ah, I see... lacking emotional maturity. Sounds like he might need some reassurance that whilst yes, you have to make some sacrifices, it doesn't mean the end of your life. It's just the way it is and splitting up with you isn't going to make that go away... do you guys talk about stuff you want to do sans kiddywinks?
I've never been to a festival but desperately want to... so when our DS is older, we're going to go to Boomtown Festival and Glastonbury, get absolutely smashed and have that experience. But we can't do it now iyswim. Just a bit of a delay is all.

Hope it goes well OP ...keep us updated

Yeah I would challenge him, if it were me, along the lines of 'What are we doing? I thought we'd split up and that was what you wanted. You're getting your own place and yet you keep coming round and we keep having sex and it really doesn't make much sense'. I think too, rather than waiting for HIM to decide what HE wants, you should let him know what YOU want. Cards on the table time.

It's nostalgia sex and goodbye sex. If you can slow it down a bit, it may help you remain friends- a bit of bonding after all the fighting.

Op this happened to me when fiancé split withme 2 mths before our wedding and we'd been together 9 yrs at that point.

I thought I could handle it and detach but I couldn't

I ended up in hospital and having constant panic attacks and depression.

He was basically playing on my grief.

Don't do it

Thanks for all the advice!

I think I've given him too much freedom over the years so he's never really had to grow up and take on proper responsibility (other than financially which tbf he is continuing to support us in that way with mortgage etc.)

When we do get the opportunity to spend time together we've always had a great time but it's more often me that has to suggest or arrange anything we do as a couple of together and he said in the consultation that we had with relate that he didn't feel like he should have to make effort. Ironic really as since we had our "chat" has been the one to make the effort to spend time with me (even if only getting decent wine to chill and watch tv together on a Saturday night when he could have easily been out with friends!).

IndieTara I'm so sorry that happened to you and I completely hear what you are saying. As I said earlier, the sex I can detach from its him choosing to stay and spend time with me which is causing the headf*ck.

I think I'm going to see what happens when I get back from hols, he is also away atm but on a far more relaxed break so I'm hoping it will give him a proper chance to evaluate things without the distractions of his usual drinking friends. But I think maybe laying off the sex and seeing how he reacts to that might make things clearer!

I truly believe that if he was getting it elsewhere he would cut all sorts of sexual ties with me.

I thought this too. You'd be amazed how great people can be at compartmentalising their priorities. You just don't know if there's been a casual fling or the desire for one. Let's assume not. But don't be too surprised if you find 'getting it elsewhere' has occurred.

To answer your original question, what does sex with your ex mean? Here's the long answer:
He has your relationship entirely on his terms. He has you on tap, basically. He's successfully dialled your marriage back to a casual relationship. He's got you on a string until he meets a woman who flips his switch and then guess what, he'll finally 'do the honourable thing', have that 'feelings' talk you're on about, he'll 'be the adult' and call time on your marriage on his watch, of course. This isn't romantic or a rekindling of old dreams. It's him, being weak and treating you both like fools, doing the army crawl out of the room, hoping you won't notice him as he backs out of the door slowly and into the corridor, making his sloooow escape because he's too weak to do the right thing now which is either a) end it or b) work on it.

Don't blame yourself. Your role is not to parent him or teach him to be a more mature, checked-in person. His parents' role was to show him that when he shares space and life with others, the world doesn't stop and start with him entirely. There are other people to consider. And once you have a family, you either get this or you don't. I find spoiled people- yes, I am calling your DH spoiled- unable to really ever check-in. Checking-out, unplugging, going off to party? Oh that's the easy stuff. But really being there and being plugged into the needs of THE most important people in life? That seems to be harder to manage for selfish types. And I don't think a selfish man at 32 is likely to become one of life's givers anytime soon.

What happened with the counselling session, OP? Because that's an avenue you shouldn't barricade just yet. But why did it go a bit weird?

I'd detach completely, insomuch as you can with the kiddies and all. He has to see his kiddies. But a friendly handover at the front door will save your sanity. No sex with the ex (it's difficult, but seriously, protect yourself from getting burnt), keep it simple and about the kids. Give your head a wobble and take all the time you need to think about what you need more than what you want. We all want to play happy families with our exes again. I've been in your shoes. I know the drill. But is what you want really what you need?

Step back. Give him a wide berth. Think and process and take all the time you need for this. Not to sound like a bummer but the drinking and partying with friends is a marriage killer. Don't underestimate this. Strength and hugs to you. I hope you can both find happiness with each other again, once you've cleared out the cobwebs. But don't be surprised if you find yourself stronger and more confident on your own. That's what happened to me... especially when I found out that during the time my marriage had been reduced to 'casual dating' my DH had met and fallen in love with another woman. I fell apart. And then I got my shit together so fast, I was flying on a Zen high. I was a struggling single mother, but I felt so empowered because the very person who'd chipped away at all of my dignity and confidence for so many years (my ex) was gone. It's what needed to happen, even if it wasn't what I thought I wanted. And it was the right thing.

We went for a consultation with relate but dh decided he didn't want to go ahead with the counselling as didn't think it was worth it.

As for it not being my job to mother him, I completely agree but quite honestly his parents didn't do the greatest job. He has never had much of a relationship with his dad and his mum pretty much left him to raise himself. I think a lot of his issues stem from there but I do realise that I can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself.

Honestly it was me that initiated the sex and it's kind of just gone from there, he's put in more effort to get his end away when he's wanted it so it's not completely on his terms.....

It's honestly just a really odd situation. He's away at the moment and we've just spoken on the phone (Kids were spose to be talking to him but we're more interested in slushies...) He's in a pretty remote area and I'm hoping that this break will give him proper thinking space to get his sh*t together.

I appreciate all the advice, especially from people who have been through the same, and I know that this is very unlikely to have a fairy tale ending but we'll see what happens. I'll keep contact to just kids and go from there.....