Unmarried rights

[Peach04]

So I am finally facing the fact that I have been in an unhappy relationship for years and we would both be better apart. The thing is my partner has always refused to get married and I have given up on starting a career myself to raise our three young children. Our finances are separate and he gives me an allowance to cover mine and the childrens weekly expenses (dont get me started I have tried and failed many times over the years to point out that this feels degrading). He has a good job and covers mortgage etc. I have put personal savings and inheritance into home improvements over the years but due to me not working and us not being married my name is not on the mortgage.

What i want to know is can we separate? Do i have any rights? He is a fantastic father and I would never have any intention of taking the kids away. Although I would feel reluctant to let the youngest stay overnight anywhere. Just need some provisional advice. From the googling ive done it would seem he would need to keep us in the family home til the children are 18 but i wouldnt have any claim over the home? Would he need to help with childcare costs so I could work?

You need to see a solicitor. No one can advise you on all this here.

It depends where you live, OP, as the law is different in England and Scotland for example.
Your partner has certainly played you for a mug though, by refusing to put your name on the mortgage or to marry you - you have left yourself desperately vulnerable and potentially seriously out of pocket.
If you have contributed financially you may be entitled to a share of the property, but you will need a solicitor to take this to court if your partner refuses.
Your first step must be to get legal advice. The first appointment is often free, and will help you to see what (if any) rights you have.
I’d urge any other women considering cohabiting to get legal advice in advance, to avoid precisely this circumstance.

I can’t believe you are not on the mortgage. Get legal advice however the bottom line is your probably not entitled to anything apart from maintenance for your DC. I am also unmarried but have been with my DP for 18yrs and have 4 DC however I am on the mortgage and have worked throughout and have a pension. I have similar anxieties around what would happen if I split up. As I know he would get legal advice and argue about how much he has contributed to the house. You are in a very vulnerable situation and I would seek legal advice before you start planning your exit.

He told me at the time I couldnt be because we werent married and I was a SAHM. Is this correct? I trusted this was true at the time and naively believed it didnt matter anyway as we would be together forever. Thanks for your comments even if it is hard to read.

From the googling ive done it would seem he would need to keep us in the family home til the children are 18 but i wouldnt have any claim over the home?

Not true.

You need proper legal advice.

Interesting news item on radio 4 this morning about what happens when an unmarried partner dies, at the moment the remaining partner have no rights to the additional widows/widower allowances that married couples with children have. Apparently a case going through the courts ATM which is challenging this, clearly this does not apply to you op but I wonder if there is the beginning of a change in attitude to the rights of unmarried partners.

OP you need to see a solicitor to get proper advice.

You have to prove you have contributed to the house to have any claim. i.e receipts for the renovations in your name coming from your sole bank account etc. You won't have any rights per se but as you have children you may via them. Best to get an appointment with a solicitor and write down any reasons/factors you think give you any rights with regard to the house.

Your partner has lied there are many unmarried couples who are also SAHM mums who are on the deeds. I wouldn’t trust your OH and would definitely get legal advice asap

In terms of assets in the relationship, he has done a number on you and made sure they are all his. Every day another post where people pile in to say the only way to have the protections of marriage, is to be married.

I think you need to establish if you are on the deeds of the house. This is different to the mortgage is it not?

Im not on the deeds or mortgage. He told me I couldnt be... im starting to feel really awful and really trapped. Youre all right i need to see a solicitor.

I'm on deeds and mortgage and we're not married. We have a letter stating I own 21/52th of the house.
Your dp at best misunderstood and passed his misunderstanding on to you and at worst he deliberately misled you.
Do you have receipts for the improvements?, eg if you paid for replacement windows, you may still have the paper trail / bank statements, that sort of thing.

Best thing - get yourself an appointment with a solicitor and start digging out those receipts and bank statements.
You're not trapped, just not in an ideal position.

I'm married. But when me and DH first moved into our home I was put on the deeds (50/50).
Your partner is a liar and he knew what he was doing all these years.

What an nasty piece of work.

He told me at the time I couldnt be because we werent married and I was a SAHM. Is this correct?

No this is not correct. Plenty of unmarried people are on mortgages and plenty of stay at home parents are on them too. You've been lied to

How many threads like these are cropping up every few days? (Not a dig OP. More disbelief that women still put themselves in this situation)

You have sympathy OP. He lied to you about why you couldn't be on the deeds etc.
But equally (and I'm sorry if this is harsh) you were totally stupid to put substantial amounts of your own money into a house you knew you had zero ownership of.

Firstly, you need legal advice (on these threads what tends to happen is people give really misleading fantasy advice about staying in the family home until 18, then others turn up and try and argue thead needs to be changed to force material rights on couples who cohabit etc)

Secondly, in an ideal world this thread could be grouped with all the others under a header of reasons women should not pay into houses they do not own/reasons women should not give their careers, pensions and future earning potential up when they are seeing a man who will not marry them and afford them legal protection / please read these threads if you are about to start a thread about why 'it makes financial sense' for you to sacrifice everything around DP's good job despite having no legal protection.

You either need to get married or leave.. in time hopefully to start a new career. I would pressure him to put your name on the deeds. You are going to have to play this one smart, be all sweetness and light.
Do you have any bargaining chips ?
Do you think he would want to split up, if not you may have some leverage

Im trying not to believe he has lied to me all this time. Maybe he was misinformed. Then again its my naivety that has got me in this mess in the first place.
I am applying to university to train as a teacher.. at the end independence at last.. I think i need to try and put my feelings to one side as someone advised and be smart. Get on the deeds and then head down and get myself a career.. if I can bear to stay til then

Have a conversation with your OH and tell him that you have been made aware that you are able to be added to the deeds and say to him that you want to find out how to do it. Be all positive and say what great news that is. Tell him you are going to find out how to do it. You can mention that it’s important for the stability of the DC so there’s no issues with inheritance etc in the event he dies.

Doubt that he has been misinformed, he’s protected his assets and depleted yours. He doesn’t need to add you to the deeds, from his point of view why would he? As others have suggested take legal advice but don’t ignore the facts, recognise that he has mislead you and take whatever action you can to inform and protect yourself.

Don't panic op, get legal advice first. I'm in a very similar situation to you, except my name is on mortgage and deeds. I spoke to a solicitor yesterday for some initial advice and this scenario is becoming more and more frequent. Regardless of marriage, where there are children, the courts will still consider their welfare first and foremost so there is a chance you will be able to stay in the family home. He will need to be able to rehouse himself, and you're in a stronger position if you can afford to stay in the house (pay bills, mortgage etc).

Don't panic, the advice given on Mumsnet can be a little misleading on this topic.

A kind poster pointed me to Wikivorce, a great forum, government funded and run by lawyers and the advice on there is far more accurate. There is a whole section on cohabitation. Replies are slow but someone will get back to you eventually.

I wish you all the best.

where there are children, the courts will still consider their welfare first and foremost so there is a chance you will be able to stay in the family home.

It is complicated and not that straight forward even if married. Can OP affird to pay the mortgage and bills all by herself? OP needs legal advice.

You're correct SillySally, but from the ex's point of view, when he sees a solicitor (for example if he was being a total arsehole and wanting to force the sale of the house) he will be informed of the possible outcome that the courts will defer the sale until the youngest child leaves full time education. It is a real possibility which could put the ex off from going down the court route. And he will need to go to court if the op doesn't agree with the sale. You can't just turf children out onto the streets. He will most likely be advised that it isn't a battle worth having.

But yes, op needs to be in a position to manage the household alone (look into benefit entitlement, work and maintenance and do the math).

Also the ex will need to be able to rehouse himself adequately.

They also consider if the op is able to rehouse herself and children should the house be sold.

But honestly, the children's welfare is the priority, as it should be.

Op you need to register your interest in the property legally- so yes, solicitor (a good one!) asap.

If he is a fantastic father like you say, you might be able to come to an agreement anyway. Although it doesn't hurt to have a rough idea of where you might stand legally.

Another reason to have your name on the deeds (not as tenants in common) is that even if he does leave the house to you in the will, that and other assets could trigger inheritance tax. The reality though is that he hasn't kept you off them and not got married for a reason. That is to make sure you have no rights at all

How old are your children ? Can you work and charge him half for the child care. Do you have your own pension for the future ? You are in a financial vulnerable position