Child arrangements

[Drawtheline14]

My husband and I separated in April due to him moving with another woman whilst I was 27 weeks pregnant with our third child.
We’ve agreed that he’ll have our oldest two (2&1) overnight every other weekend but i’m unsure how arrangements for our baby (now 10 weeks) will fit into this. Obviously he can’t take her out that weekend because the oldest two will wonder why they can’t come home after our baby is dropped off, it’ll be confusing for them and upsetting as my our 1 year old daughter has separation anxiety quite bad so I know she’ll be distressed.
So I’m wondering when is best for him to see our baby?
He won’t be having her overnight until 18 months plus and that’s if him and his partner move into a big enough house as she only has a two bed and the second bedroom isn’t big enough for three kids, pushing it fitting two in there really.
So any ideas?

I’d have a think what works for you. Could he pick her up in the morning after the overnight and have all 3 for the day? That would give you some time to yourself. Or if you’d prefer to have some time with the older two without the baby then arrange for a different day.
I would say at the moment the ball’s in your court as the baby is so young. If I was you I would be thinking about what is best for me as looking after 3 very young children is really hard. You can always change things as the children get older.

Such a small baby should only be apart from you so regularly for a few hours each time. Keep it small and regular! Can you pull back the overnights for the other 2? They are so little. I’ve just been through court and they listened to me explaining my 3 year olds anxieties about being apart from me and forced to stay at his dads!

Thanks for your message badhairday1001

At the moment he’s never spent more than an hour with her in a week exc the week she was born and he’s never taken her out so I’m not sure whether the three of us (husband, baby and I) are ready for that yet.
I’m also worried that when he picks her up my daughter (1 year old) who is extremely clingy will see me and get stressed because she’s coming home yet.
I’d love some time with the older two without baby as she’s being really clingy at the moment so I feel as though the older twice are lacking in quality time with me but my little boy starts full time nursery soon so they’ll only have one weekend just the three of them so I don’t want to isolate the baby more than I have to.
It’s just really complicated at the minute because I really don’t know what to do. I have got some legal advice and they have just told me to take things at my pace and consider overnight stays for this one at around 18-24 months.
I have contacted my husband three times regarding when he would like to see our baby, he responded the first time with ‘I don’t know yet’, ignored the second asking him to come up with options, and only recently texted him the third time. I’ve asked him if he’s even bothered about her as he’s acting like he isn’t and I feel like i’m forcing it.
I really just don’t know what to do.

Thanks for the message whoknows11. I’ve been told little and often too but the way my husbands shifts work is that he really only has the weekends free, then he splits his time mostly with his partner and work friends and the kids seem to slot in somewhere amongst that so I don’t think little and often will work for him. He sees her roughly about an hour a week at the house at the moment.
I’m not sure if i’m ready for him to take her out yet if i’m honest as he’s spent so little time with her she doesn’t know him, and he doesn’t know her.
It’s all very complicated at the moment.
Tbh I probably could, if it went to court they would most likely want to wait until all three were at an age to have overnight stays rather than separating them but having three under three is a killer and I need a break if i’m honest. My little boy (2 years old) wont sleep unless he’s in my bed since his dad and I separated and it would be nice to have my bed back one night every other week 🙈

If exh isn't pushing to have the baby are you doing the right thing by trying so hard to arrange it? Wouldn't you be better to let him come to you and ask/suggest and then take it from there?

Also if the other children are struggling with it maybe look at scaling that back a bit too?

Such a huge thing for all of you. I'm sure you're doing great op but to you. I have one on my own & that's hard going at times. Can you still get help from Surestart? My friend has dt's and a surestart lady came to help her sometimes. Her dt's are 8 now so a while ago x

Thanks for the reply lizzyb, he’s contacted today saying he was to see her 3/4 times a week now, so that’s good. He’s said that before though and went two weeks without wanting to see her so won’t be holding my breath.
At the moment he hasn’t had the other two over night as that’s starting next week, I am going to keep an eye on their behaviour to see how they cope with it. Will probably give them 3 times staying at their dads and reevaluate. My STBXH is pretty understanding luckily.
Thanks, i’m Exhausted at the moment but I think l’m doing okay. Being a parent anyway is so tiring. I’m not sure, the health visitor said their support if I needed it but I said I was okay. My mum comes round most days and helps. X