Advice re financial settlement please.

[Shinynew50p]

I have recently left my emotionally/physically abusive husband. After a hellish few weeks of continual threats of suicide/stopping paying the mortgage/harrasment things have quietened down and I am back in the family home (I was staying with family initially). He is staying at his parents.

I gave up my well paid job when I had our only child (pre school age) and now work part time term time only in a job I love that allows me to do all pick up, drop off, holiday care (savings us thousands!), I have always done everything around the house. He earns about 3 times more than me (40k basic), and has the potential to earn a lot more in the future.

We live in the south east and the only real asset we are both concerned over is the house, we have an o/s mortgage of about 148k and about 135k equity. It's a 2 bed semi close to my work/family/his family/childcare.

I have spoken to a family lawyer, who has told me that my options are:

1. Take out a mesher order so myself and our little girl can remain in the house until she is older. She said given my low income it is very likely this would be granted. Our mortgage is currently half of what a rental (a much worse rental!) would be in this area.

• if we were to proceed with this my intention would be to only stay in the house a couple of years, until she is settled in school (we are in the catchment for two fab schools) and I would also hopefully be working full time by then so I could either buy him out or sell up, pay him off and buy somewhere else myself. I asked my husband for a couple of years to sorry myself out he said no get the house on the market

1. Buy him out

• not possible right now - I've checked and it was a big fat no given my current salary + dependant + car finance (which he has always paid but now refusing too)

1. Sell up and go for 60/70 of equity.

• this won't allow me to buy even a one bed flat around here, so I'd have to move back in with my parents and sit on the cash until I'm in a better position to borrow more or a shared ownership comes up. Few and far between around here.

• can't say this would be ideal, but the thought of cutting all financial times with my husband is very tempting, also our house is probably at the peak of its worth right now.

I just don't know what to do for the best, I originally wanted a mesher, and a 60/40 split. My husband is dead against this. He wants his money now. He is bombarding me with messages about selling the house. I am feeling very harassed. He wants to sell and go 60/40 in my favour. He will be able to buy another house straight away with that I won't.

I have told him I will go to court over this if I have too, but I really wouldn't want to, it will cost so much money (that I don't have!)..

Has anyone got any thoughts on what I should do or been in this position before. I am filing for the divorce this week so I will have a few weeks before the nisi comes through to get my head straight...

Thanks in advance.

Your error was giving up your well paid job. You need to get another one pronto. I'd probably sell up and settle for 65/35. Move in with my parents whilst I improve career prospects and then rebuy. How much is the child support going to be?

I would probably sell up in your position too. There was too much equity in my home for a mesher order to be granted and the court ordered sale of the home. Court is costly and stressful so if you can avoid that I would.

My old job was quite a commute, and we would of been paying huge childcare bills which is why I changed...I really enjoy my job now, and it means I will still be able to do pick up and drop off and holiday care when she goes to school..he won't be doing any of these things as he doesn't know where or what goes he will be doing from one day or the next. Once our child is at school (in a years time) I will go back up to working five days a week, and hopefully apply for another job that pays more.

I did think maybe go for 65/35 call it a day and move on.

I can't say I am excited at the thought of moving back home but I am so lucky it is even an option for me. My family have been so supportive.

He said he will give me £240 a month maintenance which I think is pretty much the minimum he should be giving me

You've got choices. I'd love to spend more time with my kids. Who wouldn't? You need to decide what the priority is. Mine is creating a strong financial base for my children as well as an emotional base. Once you sell, your cash starts depreciating and the longer you wait to buy again the tougher it becomes.

Thanks for your replies.

It's a tough choice ourkidmolly, I could of stayed with him I suppose, and plodded along in the house working p/t, then i would be facing this dilemma. It's a huge sum of money (well to me) we are considering, it is maddening that house prices are so high around here, I could buy a house outright elsewhere for the amount we are considering but he also wouldn't be happy with me loving out of the area!

*wouldnt

I have told him I will go to court over this if I have too, but I really wouldn't want to, it will cost so much money (that I don't have!)

This needs thought too. Once the courts become involved costs can rise rapidly. My ex made the divorce a contest and didn't it make the Legal people happy. About 35% of family assets went in legal fees. Money I would have rather given to Ex as I was the only earner and one with assets.

I will never be able to work out why some can't work out that the more that is spent on legal costs the less there will be available at the end to share out?

Yes I agree, missedtheboat, it would be silly to go to court, I can't afford it, he can't, however he is not prepared to comprise at all at the moment...so that's why I said it. If post came to shove I would just settle for the 60/40 if it meant avoiding court. However, I do need to make sure I get what I am due as I will be the primary carer for our little girl.

How old is the child? Courts are more reluctant to use mesher orders for long period of time as it ties both financially. Also you would be expected to be able to afford to manage all the costs involved with the property. Can you do this?

I would go for the Mesher Order frankly to give yourself time to breathe and get things in order. they don't have to be until the child is 18 and you could ask for one until she is eg. 8 years old in order to give you the time to sort yourself out once she is at school.

Every time, she is three years old. I can afford to pay the bills and mortgage on my own, I'll have to cut back on luxury things but that's life!

Resevoir, I would only want it for five years or so max, I don't particularly want to remain tied to him financially for any longer than I need to be, my biggest concern is stability ft my daughter, and getting her settled into a decent school.

Realistically would 2 years get her settled in school and you into a new better paid job?

I would be asking for one year of spousal maintenance and to put the house on the market in 18 months time to be sold within 2 years or basics the term after she starts school.

Unfortunately the option of your current job doesn't seem viable as a single parent.

Also what pension pots do you both have etc? It's reasonable for you to get a larger share as DD will be resident with you and it would be nice for Ex to put her first and let you sort out accommodation by giving you 1-2 years to sort it

My understanding is that you should not make any financial agreements until after the decree nisi is issued. Then a financial order needed to be agreed by the courts, to be activated once the decree absolute is issued. In my daughters case, because her XH was awkward, this has taken just under 2 years, since he walked out. Finance order was by their agreement, not an expensive court case, but it MUST be legally agreed. You can do it without a solicitor, but she had to use a solicitor, because of emotional abuse, to keep communication indirect. She has kept the house, but with significant financial support from us. Online child support calculations can be done, but it's only a small cost to get them to do calculations officialy, and advise you of legal amount he should be paying.

We are only in our early thirties - I think my pension fund is about 15k, he doesn't have one.

If he's on £40k, the monthly child support should be closer to £400 (unless he would be having the child overnight A LOT). You also say that's 40k basic, and a similar proportion of any commission or bonuses would also come into that. You can do the sums here:
www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

You could go for that using the Child Maintenance Service, or perhaps you'd find it better to treat as a 'bargaining chip' if you want him to slow down on his housing demands, maybe?

Divorces can take a long time - if you're only seeking a few years in the property you would have a reasonable chance of that.

shinynew
I understand your need for the mesher orders - so that your daughter has stability until she is in school and your realistically able to work full time and therefore able to afford to buy your ex out.
But HE doesn't want too.
OR you could sell up splitting proceeds and buy a house out of the areas.
But HE doesn't want too.
Well he can't engineer a situation that works for HIM at the detriment of your dd and you - that's bs imo.
He will have to compromise for the sake of the welfare of your dd.
I'd give him the stark choice of the two realities and stick to your guns for the sake of yourself and importantly your dd.

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I am going through a solicitor so will pass on any advice I get.

Brilliant thank you. Goodluck with your divorce x

You have already said you left the marriage as it was abusive _ do not expect your x to compromise - he won't - he will probably make this as difficult as possible for you - and if you want to come out financially "secure" you will probably end up going through the courts. If you want to remain emotionally secure you will probably have to take a financial hit - do not expect him to pay expected level of child maintenance - some dads dont and use this as a father way of continuing the abuse

The legal system is a gamble and a costly one at that and sometimes will be just as abusive as your marriage - you have supportive parents - there is no financial equivalent to this - this is your trump card!

Good comments Greenberet - I too think he will be difficult too. I hope I’m wrong. Good luck.

Hi All
I'm currently going through court to get financial settlement. I DIDN'T use a solicitor as I believe truth is on my side and and don't need to pay someone to find I loophole in order to get what it fair. I was a main contributor 85/15. My ex was spending my money on drugs, expensive wine, smoking you name it. I tried to reason but no joy. Now he wants 50% because I quote him: "Unfortunately, we were married". I took case to court and court helps you with everything as they respect litigants in person. He now already owes £8600 to solicitors and I'm prepared to go to very end: Court of Appeal to achieve 30/70 split!! I'm happy to share what I already know about proceedings. Do read Sharp vs Sharp case!!!