Advice please

[ARR14]

So after 8 years of marriage and two young kids later (1&4) I have ended things with my difficult selfish husband. I have seen a solicitor who believes I have a good case for unreasonable behaviour however I'm not sure what's going to happen with the house. I work part time earning just over 10000 a year and husband is also low earner on 18000. We have a joint mortgage on a house in a good area but I cannot afford to buy him out and he is saying he doesn't want to stay on the mortgage for a Mesher order despite me being the primary carer for our kids (he is not a hands on Dad). He wants to move on and doesn't want to be tied to me financially despite me saying I have no options to house the kids without the house at the moment. I pay childcare while I work and at the moment he pays nothing for the kids. We are still living together until he saves to move out which is miserable. He was to pay 200 a month in child maintenance but refuses to go through CSA which I think id prefer as I don't trust him with money. We don't have joint accounts as he's always been privately with husband money most of the time in our marriage it has always felt like me and the kids and then him. Has anyone been in this situation before or have any advice? I'm scared to lose the house we don't be have enough equity to really give us a whole lot even if we do sell so not sure what to do.

He may not want to be tied to you financially, but that's irrelevant. The relevant point is the children. If you can't afford to buy him out, can you afford to pay the mortgage on your own? Also, you need to look at working families tax credits to see if you qualify as a lone parent (I think you will, with two minor children and the earnings you stated). If you cannot afford the mortgage on your own, the tax credits may be the saving grace for you. There is an online calculator I think and Mr Google will help you find it.

Also, you can get a 25% reduction in your council tax, once he has moved out. This will also help your finances.

With regard to the money he gives you for the children, the CMS calculator states that it should be 238.33 per month (based on what you've said he earns and if he's not a hands on dad, he may not have them to stay overnight at all). CMS calculator is here:

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

As a couple, you may have no option other than a mesher order because the childrens wellbeing will come first. Tackle your finances first - see what you can claim. You may find that actually you can manage financially (I do hope you can) and then be child focussed. You both have a responsibility to keep your children safely housed. If this means you get to stay in the house until the youngest is 18, then that's the best course of action for them.

This is just my opinion. I am not a legal expert, but am going through a rather nasty divorce at the moment and have read humungous amounts of guidance and advice. I believe the above is the starting point for you. Good luck.

p.s. somebody else may say that the starting point is a 50/50 split of the house and then you work from there. However, the welfare of the children will always come first and this is why you should ask for a mesher order if you can. Just because H doesn't want it, that doesn't mean it won't happen. He has no say in the matter if you end up in court.

The mortgage lender would have to agree to release him off the mortgage anyway, and if you only earn £10k it's unlikely they would do that

Thank you for the reply I had a look at tax credits calculator on the gov site and its looks like I would get enough to cover mortgage although things will definitely be tight, I'm guessing I can't file until he moves out though?! Argh so many unknowns! Every time I point out that this is for the benefit of the kids I'm met with the response "now you're using the kids against me" and I get nowhere. I'm nervous that if it goes to court mesher wouldn't be guaranteed although like you said I really don't see an alternative...sorry to hear you are going through a horrendous divorce

Oh my god. It sounds like you're married to my STBX! He used to also accuse me of using the kids against him, whenever I was concerned for their wellbeing.

The biggest problem for you right now is the fear of the unknown.

You are right, you cannot apply for tax credits until your H has moved out. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, while he is still in the house. I imagine the tension is unbearable. I think you may need to become a gray rock (google it) This is what I had to become during the last year of my marriage and it's the only way I could deal with his stonewalling and his selfish destructive behaviour. It was this that made him realise he had no power over me any more. You need to dig deep and find strength to keep going for the sake of your DC's. It's scary because everything will change and humans don't like change.

Get your ducks in a row. It doesn't help that you don't know anything about his financials, but that will and must all come out in the fullness of time. Safeguard any joint paperwork, along with your own personal stuff. Focus on the little ones and try to tackle one thing at a time.

Also try to find a good half an hour a day for yourself, just to sit and be calm so that your body and mind can re-charge. Read a magazine, do a crossword, anything that diverts your attention temporarily from the current issues.

I really can't say that you would definately get a mesher order, but that's what you need to be aiming for. And if your H insists that the house must be sold and you and the children must move somewhere else on your own, I really don't think this will show him in a good light. Courts don't take kindly to parents putting their own needs/wants above those of their minor children. Try to hold on to that thought and make sure everything you do is child focused (I'm sure it is already).

You can vent here, of course, and there are probably other people here who have better practical advice than me. Try to stay strong.

Think very hard if a Mesher Order is really what you want. Personally I think they only prolong the enevitabke. How old will you be when your youngest is 18? By that time property willni doubt have gone up (it’s averaging circa 4% a year) so the next house will be more expensive and your ability to get a mortgage will be reduced (am presuming you’ll be in your mid 40’s)?

Also bear in mind that the father will also need ‘suitable accommodation’ when the kids stay with him.

If you can split the asset now - the courts have an obligation to do so.

My OH’s EW pushed for a mesher order. There was a £250k mortgage and she earned £10k a year (so not enough to take on the mortgage herself). She wanted a mesher order - to stay in the house for a further 11 years, my OH pay the mortgage in full for 11 years, he remain on the mortgage and on sale (in 11 years she got 70%).

A judge ordered that the EH needed to be able to house the children when they stayed. It was ordered the house be sold by (x date) in 2 years time. As she was living there, she paid the mortgage and in sale she got 60%.

I agree that a Mesher order prolongs the inevitable, but the children are still very young and it may not be an option for the OP to work full time just yet. However, as they grow up, she may be able to increase her hours and therefore her wages.

Is there not a possibility that if the OP can increase her hours in, say, 5 years time, that she could discharge the order then, if she was financially able? I'm reaching back a long way, but I am sure this used to be the case.

There are an awful lot of ifs and buts. As I am going through something similar, I can relate. I am in a position where I may end up losing my house altogether, but that's a different set of circumstances. In the beginning, I was worried sick and would take any kind of short term consolation just to get by day to day.

A mesher order is one possibility and I am sure there are others. However, this appears to be what she wants at the moment. I am sure a solicitor will give better advice as to the pros and cons of it.

I am in the same boat, i have my nisci and could of had my absolute in june, my solicitor has advised to sort finances first. He is unable to buy me out, he stayed in the marital home, in joint names. I moved out for my own sanity as he is a nasty piece of work. I am still trying to go through child maintenance options to get him to contribute to our dd, 13. He pays nothing at the moment.
If my only option is to wair til dd is 18 how does this work, obviously i would use my solicitor to draw it up, i want the money now but he refuses to sell as well and i don't have lots to spend on solicitors fees to force the sale as much as thats 100 per cent what i want now.
My questions are, could it cost alot to force sale, bearing in mind i paid for the divorce as he wouldn't.
Also can it be done any cheaper and what happens when dd is 18, does the court contact him to sell.

Thanks for the responses, it is somewhat comforting to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this sort of situation. It's been very lonely. I do plan on working full time when my youngest is older and would hope that by then I'll be in a better position to take over the mortgage. I would hope to get my ex to agree to ten year Mesher however he is not happy about that. I don't have a lot of money and family have been helping with legal fees. We are planning on going to mediation to see if that will help us agree although very much doubt he's going to budge, he's very much "I need to take care of myself before I can take care of the kids" and so would rather get himself set up and doesn't seem to consider how we'll be left. He's not been hands on and to be honest can't see him doing over nights until the kids are much older.