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Help - how do i get up the courage to suggest we separate?

12 replies

Justme1981 · 24/08/2018 09:55

Hi everyone
Ive posted on the relationships board before, in brief : together 14years, 19month old ds, i work 8-6 mon- thurs h works 6-6 fri-sun we've had lots of issues since ds arrived although looking back i think it probably started earlier, 2 weeks ago we had another major row (he left ds alone while he nipped to shop whilst i was working) since then we havent kissed, hugged or anything, we are barely talking literally all we talk about is how ds has been, when weve been close to splitting in past he has threatend to take ds & make me pay maintenance as i earn more (900 pcm more). Ive seen a solicitor who gave me good advice, im confident most he would get is 50/50 although im terrified i may have to go mon-thurs without seeing ds, i dont think its in ds benefit to be away from either of us for long periods im custody suggestion would be: mon am h picks up ds i collect ds tues pm (nusery) weds am h picks up ds thurs pm i pick up ds fri-sun ds with me but h can visit or call if he likes in evenings (he works 45min away so out by 515, he doesnt spend anytime with ds when hes in work whereas i get up every night with him & every morning ds usually up by 530) i doubt he would go for this but thats my thoughts, we rent & i will stay here until custody sorted with ds.
So how on earth do i woman up & talk to h about separating? Im TERRIFIED of losing ds, & that h will get nasty (verbal not physical) but i know i cant carry on like this, i feel physically sick & like im going to have a break down, but as we are not arguing at the min it seems easier to just keep going. Advice needed please
Thank you if you got this far & for reading

OP posts:
brokenharbour · 24/08/2018 10:00

If he left his 19 month old in the house on his own he's not fit to look after him. That's appalling. I suspect his threats are empty and he won't actually want the responsibility when it comes down to it.

bluebell34567 · 24/08/2018 10:00

do you think it will/can get better?
if not, you just have to do it.
you will negotiate about sharing ds later.
ignore his verbal attacks.

bluebell34567 · 24/08/2018 10:02

agree with brokenharbour, he wont want the responsibility.

Justme1981 · 24/08/2018 10:05

Thank you both, i cant see things getting any better, i cant imagine myself wanting to kiss him or anything else again. For me its definitely gone, i dont know how to get it back.
Yes im livid at him for leaving ds alone, he thinks im over reacting...
He also wont tell ds he loves him or kiss him (says its gay) i would be very worried to leave him with ds for a long period.

OP posts:
saratustra · 24/08/2018 10:10

Well I would be taking notes of all those actions and comments in case you need them... I'm sure if you had a problem with custody - which I don't believe you would - any judge would love to hear how displays of affection are labelled like "gay" in an homophobic way. What a lovely man.

ferrier · 24/08/2018 10:17

Leaving aside the issue of your dp not being a fit parent, I don't think your schedule is very suitable for a 19 mth old. Can you do you have ds Thurs pm to Mon am. Dp has him Mon am to Thurs pm. That way there's only two days when you don't see ds and you get four of the overnights to three for dp therefore shouldn't have to pay him maintenance.

brokenharbour · 24/08/2018 10:29

Good God. Where do these utter fools come from.

brokenharbour · 24/08/2018 10:29

Showing your baby affection is gay? I've heard it all now!

Justme1981 · 24/08/2018 12:17

Thank you all, i suspect we would end up in a split week situation but i would be very worried about the effect on ds not seeing either of us for long stretches...
Yes brokenharbour hes an idiot, these ridiculous statements are part of the reason i need to leave him.
I feel so lost right now & really dont know what is for the best...

OP posts:
brokenharbour · 25/08/2018 16:19

You just need to hang on to the fact that separating will be the best thing for your son. Did you manage to speak to him? You sound very level headed, and these things have a way of working themselves out if you're acting for the best (which you are!)

Justme1981 · 25/08/2018 17:41

Thank you we talked but i just couldnt do it he says hes trying to make it work & that he loves me, we kind of left it unresolved, i know i just need to do it, i wish there was some way of getting the love back

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 26/08/2018 10:47

would you try relate counsellor together?

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