Finally decided to end it

[GingerKat24]

Been married 19 years have 3 DS 15, 13& 11. Things have been bad for last 3 years but stayed together for sake of kids & finances. Don’t argue but are more like brother & sister. We don’t love each other anymore- in fact I can honestly say I don’t even like him much. DH seems to be in denial - sleeps in spare room, makes sarky comments but refuses to address state of marriage. I’ve got to get out - I’m 45 , on anti depressants due to my miserable situation & can’t continue like this. I know the kids will be devastated but feel like I’ve got to think about myself . I’m going to talk to him this weekend & tell him it is over. Scared about the future - the affect on kids and also finances (I work in a low paid part time job although he is a high earner) & would have to move areas as I couldn’t afford to take on this house. I’m doing the right thing aren’t I? After some reassurance!

Your dcs love you, they need you (and want you) to be happy and cheerful & optimistic because they take their lead from you.
They aren’t daft, they’ll be more aware of the situation than you think. And they’ll want their dad to be happy too.
So yes, you are dong the right thing.

Thank you

Hi GingerKat
I'm in a similar boat although I haven't been married as long as you. We only have one child together.
I went to look at a house today that me and my child could move into. Instead of making me hopeful that I can do this, that I can separate, it has left me feeling deflated. Separating seems such a big hurdle.
I think what i try to hold on to is imagining what I would say to a friend if the friend was in my relationship. I wouldn't want any friend of mine to feel the loneliness and despair I am feeling.
It's hard but we will do what is best for us and for our children.
I also am planning to tell my husband this weekend that enough is enough.
Good luck x

I’m in a similar situation. Trying to sort finances out but terrified of impact it will have on my children. My OH can be very changeable which makes things so much harder but have been living in a very unhappy situation for a year and nothing will change that now. We are quite literally together for the children and I do sometimes wonder if I should just stick it out till they leave home in a few years.

I think you are right. My close friends are aware of my situation but I feel that to everyone else I am living a lie. The future is scary but it will be a huge relief to finally be honest about how things are. Good luck to you too xx

I do think ours (& yourssituation) must impact the kids. Mine are aware that me & husband don’t get on great & also the fact that we have separate bedrooms is not normal for happily married people. I want them to be aware that there are happy marriages out there.

Totally agree that I don't want my child growing thinking this is how an adult relationship should be.
On the face of it he seems unaffected but what are we storing up in his brain and emotions in terms of how me and my husband are with each other? It's a bad legacy to give him.

I totally agree- there are no fights anymore but what must the children think? My main worry is for them and the long term impact on their lives/happiness if we separate but maybe the will suffer if we stay together? It’s so hard.

Same boat here. There have been problems (from my POV) for years, on and off. H can be horribly moody. When it was just to me I accepted it (I know I shouldn't have but he would paint things as my fault.) But last year he started on oldest DC.

We're having counselling. I thought we should try. But I don't think we're getting anywhere.

I thought I should try for the DCs. They will be upset by a split. But I can't keep picking up the pieces when he's reduced them to tears by shouting and swearing at them. The good days aren't enough. I'm on antiDs now - trying to stop - and DC has real anxiety issues. Can't' be unrelated

Sorry @GingerKat24 - no advice there I know. Only to say I know how hard it is to make the split and to take responsibility. It's so much to carry. But people here and IRL keep telling me it will be better.

namechanged77 - your situation sounds intolerable. Shouting & swearing at DC just not on. Think you must end it x

To all those contemplating divorce , it will be hard , there will be days you feel so low and broken that you are not sure you'll ever put yourself together again but then one day you will start to see glimmers of your new future , a future no longer stuck in a miserable marriage and the possibilities it will bring as a result are worth all that pain.
The children will be sad , you'll no longer have a huge marital home ( get a solicitor though because you will be entitled to much more than you think) and friends may keep a wide birth so that their marriages " don't catch divorce from you' !
After 19 years we separated and started divorce proceedings 5 months ago and it's the best thing I ever did.
Go for it, be brave x

Namechanged
That sounds awful. Are people saying to you things will improve with your husband in time or things will improve when you leave?
If it were my child who was being so affected, I think (easier said than done, I know!) I wouldn't stay.

Namechanged77 - your situation sounds horrible but you are obviously a brilliant mum doing your best. How is counselling? We went earlier in the year - a last ditched attempt but it was useful and didn’t change anything. I think I though it would open my OHs eyes to how moody and unpleasant he could be but it didn’t. My main issue is I overthink things so trying to do the one day at a time thing and prioritising the kids. Good luck to everyone on this thread.

Thanks for all the advice. I think if he was like that all the time it would be simpler. But it's occasional blow ups. So the last incident was on holiday - he was moody for 3/10 days and swore at the kids during an outburst on the worst day. The rest of the time I was annoyed because I was doing more - kids' bedtimes, getting meals ready, going in the pool etc.

People in IRL do say LTB. But he's very good at making me feel like I exaggerate things, and like we all know, it's a scary step. Oldest DC is about to start secondary and I'm worried about how it would affect her. But then I worry about the effect of his moods if I stay.

But @GingerKat24 I don't want to take over the thread. In terms of your situation, I've read lots on here and people always say you only have one life and you shouldn't stay in a relationship where you're miserable. That's what matters. And it sounds like your DH is trying to pretend it's not happening and doesn't want to face up to reality.

Hi,

Same here. I am thinking of ending our marriage but not sure what to do. I am 46 and DH is 56 (which, I think, is the main part of the problem). We have been married 20 years with two DC aged 14 and 10. I have been unhappy a long time. We have no sex life/no passion/no affection. But that is because I don't fancy him. But, saying that he has never been a passionate man!
I have felt very in need of closeness for quite sometime now and I am ashamed to say I turned to chat sites at the end of last year and got very, very close to someone (although we never met). We called in off twice but ended up starting again. But both of us realised it was unfair to ourselves and our partners so took it no further. This made me realise the problems I have with my marriage.
We have just had a 2 week holiday abroad which made me realise I DO not what to be with him anymore. I get very frustrated and end up taking it out on him. Although I have told him how I feel (and that we are living like friends raising children) he buries his head in the sand and refuses to admit there is a problem!
I am the biggest earner in our relationship.
We have little in common and the age difference is very obvious now.

I am not sure what to do! We have a 4 bed detached house and the mortgage is only small now. Eldest starts GCSE's this year but I can't go on in a sexless/affection less marriage! I am quite good looking for a 46 year old so have life left in me!

I have also started looking at houses and jobs elsewhere in the country! I am in a professional role so could get a job anywhere. I really feel like I want a fresh start! But, then there are 2 children to consider! All of our parents are no longer with us.

Although DH & I don’t argue, the marriage is loveless/sexless. Like you MrsKO’Brien, i also feel that at 45 my life shouldn’t be over. I even feel a touch of jealousy when I hear of people we know that have split! DH is quite an emotionally cold person- I can’t talk to him about my worries & he is rubbish with any issues with DC. DC love him but it is always me they confide in.

My situation is a little different because we do still have good sex. But it is the only 'good' thing we do together.