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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Any ex husbands in the police with children together?

10 replies

User0000 · 23/08/2018 10:18

I'm just looking to see how other parents have arranged custody with their ex when he/she is in the police force.
My exh picks and chooses when he has the kids at the drop of a hat and I'm wondering whether anyone has anything in place to stop this.
I'm so fed up of the kids and i being messed around.

OP posts:
rainingcatsanddog · 23/08/2018 10:22

There's nothing you can do if the other parent doesn't turn up to pick up the kids. You can go to court and have them tell your ex which days the kids will be made available for contact.

Original poster
User0000 · 23/08/2018 10:25

Is he under any obligation to make himself available on those days?
As in arranging shifts to have rest days during every other weekend for example?
He messes me around so much, arranged to have them when I have work and changes it ECT.

OP posts:
Scrumptiousbears · 23/08/2018 10:28

We haven't split but my partner is a Police Officer so I know how annoying it can be. Do you think he is dropping responsibility due to the job or is he being a prick? Police can be massively ducked around with their shifts.

Original poster
User0000 · 23/08/2018 10:36

I think it's him being a prick. We have been separated 18 months and have managed to keep things out of court but that's mainly because I have gone along with his inconsistency for so long. He really thinks the world revolves around him. Came to a head when I argued the fact that he'd agreed to have them today when I have work but changed it last night when I reminded him(he'd completely forgotten although this would be the only day he would see them in 2 weeks) and he said he would turn up when he wakes. Even if his shift ran over a couple of hours which I understand does happen i don't think is a good enough excuse to not be a responsible parent and turn up at the agreed time. I'd love a lay in after a long shift but is what it is. Because I stood up to him I got sent a bunch of personally abusive messages. Now I've told him he can go through court if he wants to see them.
He cancelled last min having them at the weekend because he 'had plans' so I suppose I've just had enough.
Hate being that person that says u can't see them but my backs against a wall.

OP posts:
Notbeingrobbed · 23/08/2018 11:20

But he is working, right? And shift work is tricky. Is he paying all the child support etc she should? Life can be hard for shift workers, or is he deliberately messing you about?

Original poster
User0000 · 23/08/2018 11:47

Yeah I get it shift work police work is hard but he gets his shifts 3 months in advance which I know can change but he doesn't tell me until I confirm or rudely states he won't be having them.

Being a policeman working shifts shouldn't mean all parental responsibilities come bottom of the barrel.
I know there's really nothing I can do i just wanted to know if anyone else had something in place where shifts were arranged so that a routine could be put in place. Is it even something that can be done in his job. I can't ask him because of his belligerent attitude and wouldn't do anything out of his way because I think he prefers not having to commit having them.
He really only sees them to save face as he knows he should. That attitude isn't hard to see and the kids probably pick up on it. I think it's damaging for them to be around someone that doesn't really want to anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
User0000 · 23/08/2018 11:54

And he pays what he should which he thinks he deserves a medal for.

OP posts:
rainingcatsanddog · 23/08/2018 12:07

CMS is the legal minimum so well done to Mr Minimum

Court orders can include wording for shift workers like how much notice he needs to give for the number of hours proposed by court. He won't be punished for not picking them up so if he consistently doesn't turn up you'll have to return to court and get his hours reduced.

weekendninja · 23/08/2018 12:09

I think what you need to do is establish what his shift pattern is and work accordingly. In my force there are different patterns depending on what role you do...it could be 6 on 4 off, 4 on 4 off or Mon- Fri. This remains constant on a long term basis but of course rest days and working hours can change.

My ex wanted to stick to having my DC for the same two nights a week despite my shifts. Whilst I understand it is an inconvenience for him not to have the same two nights weekly, I cannot keep to that because my pattern offers very little flexibility and it's not easy to arrange childcare for a 4pm-3am shift. I do offer my availability to help out with school drop offs etc around my shifts when he has them.

Despite his belligerence, you're going to have to find out exactly what his pattern is and come to a long term arrangement around this. I find that all on my rest days are taken up with my children and rarely get a night off...he needs to step up and accept this too.

Good luck

Original poster
User0000 · 23/08/2018 13:05

Thankyou. He is pretty secretive about everything but from what I know, he has 3 rest days but spends the first one sleeping. If he has them over night it's in my house because he refuses to have them in his gfs house until we r divorced. Nici will be granted by September. But I feel it's an excuse to not have the kids over night. DS is 3 and not a good sleeper (night terrors).
I've never really stood up to him so I'm pretty anxious as to what he'll do. What can he do legally now I've told him he can go through court if he wants to see them, what should I expect?

OP posts:
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