Not been happy, crossed the line with another guy, now I don’t know what to do

[Sambuccaislife]

Hi all, please be kind I’m very fragile atm...
I have been with my hubby 11 years, married for 6. Very much in love or so I thought until the last year or so when I’ve been feeling more and more like I’m not happy. Hubs isn’t the most social butterfly and life is just getting very boring. Cue a new guy at work, lots of chemistry between us, too much flirty banter and cut a long story short, things went too far and we ended up sleeping together after a drunk night out. Now this is where I should be writing I felt incredibly guilty... but I don’t. It’s carried on for the last 3 months. He is everything I’m missing in my marriage. I’m miserable when I’m at home so I’m working as much overtime as I can (the other guy has now left work for a completely un related reason) I feel a different person when I’m anywhere but home. However, I’m absolutely terrified of being alone. I’m scared if I leave I’ll regret it and I’ll never find anyone again. Things with the other guy will never be serious. I can’t tell hubs the truth as he will be absolutely devastated and I would want to keep any co-parenting as amicable as I can. We have 2 children under 5 and breaking up my family is too much of a huge decision that I’m struggling to make. But I feel like if I stay I’m sacrificing my happiness. I’m so torn

Talk to your husband first...not to tell him whats gone on but to say you are unhappy. Try to sort your own marriage out before jumping into a relationship with anyone else. Your husband and children deserve that at the least. Don't mess around behind your husbands back if you knew the hurt it causes you would never do it. At least if you both decide to go your separate ways he also has the chance to find love again. He may not be a social butterfly to you but to someone else he could be their soul mate.

We’ve already talked, he knows how sad I feel every day. My unhappiness is causing a huge issue. He’s trying to make me happy and fix things but I just feel like I don’t want him to and I have no desire to try but I’m too scared to end it. I’m not trying to jump into a relationship with anyone. I’m so deeply unhappy yet this other guy brings me so much happiness even just as friends which is making me question whether I chose the right man to marry even more. I love my hubby I truly do, I just feel like I’ve changed as a person and I want more out of life.

The grass is greener where you water it. Of course it is super exciting to meet someone and have the lust and butterflies. Trouble is that never ever lasts. Ever.

You’ve not said why your husband makes you so unhappy?

I think it’s dreadful that you are risking your children’s future by playing away

I think your husband deserves the chance to meet sone one who loves him for who he is. How would you feel if your husband was doing the same? If you have fallen out of love with him move on. So much less hurt is caused if people parted at this point. It is selfish to stay with him because you are afraid of being on your own.

My friend has been in your H's position and had two little ones under 5 at the time her H had the first affair.
She did all sorts to try and make him happy but he has turned around a couple of weeks ago and told her that he has never really loved her enough to want to make her happy. He said he stayed because of the children.
The major problem is that their DCs are now young teenagers and they are devastated about them now getting a divorce being old enough to now understand what's going on.
She now feels guilty for having stayed with him because her DCs are heartbroken.
She regrets giving him a second chance for herself and her DCs.

He’s trying to make me happy and fix things but I just feel like I don’t want him to and I have no desire to try but I’m too scared to end it.

^You are a coward. Put your husband out of his misery and leave. He deserves better than you.

I think you should tell him the truth . When I was reading this I thought If it was me being cheated on I’d wanna know . If your unhappy and bored just tell him . Sometimes the truth hurts a lot but it doesn’t hurt as much as the lie will when it eventually comes out cause they always do . Good luck ❤️

You want your cake and it eat.

Your DH deserves to be able to find someone who respects him. You are cheating on him and lying to him.

If you don't tell him he will at some point find out. You made your choice when you decided to have sex behind your DH back.

OP have you both gone to relationship counseling to see if there is anything left to savage? If not go, then once you have done that if it is clear you are now incompatible start the divorce process. It isn't fair on the other 3 people in your family to continue to be with your husband if you cannot stand him, and your attitude and behaviour towards him will be damaging your kids idea of what a good relationship is.

Why should we be kind? You're cheating on your husband when you have two young children! You knew you were unhappy and bored yet instead of trying to address your issues you went and shagged someone else. I have no sympathy for you. Infidelity destroys families.

A fling can sometimes be the consequence of a marriage that has already failed or fizzled out. However, if one partner is unhappy about something it is better to discuss with other partner and resolve first. If you can't resolve then may separating is the best thing?

Even if there was drink involved I don't it excuses what happened.

I agree with 2018anewstart, as it is selfish to stay because you're afraid. I get you're feeling afraid to be alone and worried you will not find anyone again. I think this comes from knowing one life for so long and worried what a new life/change will bring. There's a lot to consider if you ended things with your husband both in the near future and far future and naturally, that would cause most anyone fear of some sort. You would find someone again, so this shouldn't really be a factor in this. It's best to separate different thoughts sometimes, so as to think a bit more clearly and be able to reach a decision better.

You need to decide which stage you're at here. You might be at a stage of being tired or overworked. You might need to light that spark again with your husband and go on a holiday to rejuvenate. But you might also be past all that, as you do say "I just feel like I’ve changed as a person and I want more out of life."

Ask yourself if trying to work it out with your husband will provide any relief or happiness, other than making you feel more secure in that you're not alone now and won't be later. If there's no point in trying, IMO, you owe it to everyone to start the breakup process.

I haven’t read all the comments on here but I just wanted to add in my perspective. My husband left me last year when our little boy had just turned two. Slightly different scenario as it was completely out of the blue but the point is, whilst utterly devastating at the time, I’m now well on to recovery and free to find someone who truly and deeply loves me. More importantly however, my son has no recollection of the split or that his Dad ever lived with us. If you really do want to go, then do it now. It will be painful and you need to be brave but if you’re really sure, then you need to act now rather than later when the impact on your children will be much greater. I feel sorry for you as you will have to live with the guilt but I’m so glad my husband didn’t stay with me and live a lie. Good luck x

I think you need to try counselling before you throw the towel in especially if you say you still love your husband. Life with small kids is v boring and dull but it doesn't last and it won't be any different as a single parent. The reality is that he will move on quicker than you will, seems there is infinity more eligible single women than single men
I felt like you for a long time a long time ago when my kids were young. The only thing stopping me from leaving was knowing that it would be the same with someone else, life has a habit of getting in the way. I would at least try to make it work and get the spark back- it won't be long dimming with the new guy once you throw reality into your relationship