Have I made a mistake with not telling kids about OW?

[diskdrive]

I posted earlier in the week about dh suddenly announcing out of the blue he was leaving. He has found someone else.
He left immediately to stay at first a hotel and now his mother's and so we had to tell the children (12 & 14) straight away. I didn't really have chance to think of the best way to approach the issue of the OW and as DH assured me he would be spending some time living on his own I thought it was best to try and separate the issues and just tell them about the separation for now. I also wanted him to have the opportunity not to appear to the children as a total fuckwit and thought he could present the new relationship as an after the separation event,
However it now appears from what I have heard that he is actually going helter skelter into his new relationship, her kids of similar ages already know (all very local) and that they will probably be living together straight away. He hasn't told me any of this yet but it's a very small village and gossip is rife. Our kids are already devastated and now I feel like there is this additional bombshell just waiting to land on them. If we had told them all at once knowing what I do now, it probably would have been better. I feel like I am getting everything wrong all ready. Do I tell them? Should he? I don't think we can cope with another joint sit down with the kids session just yet.

He's known what was about to happen for a while now so has been able to prepare mentally but it was a total shock to me and now I feel like I am desperately trying to catch up whilst my life has changed completely over 5 days.

There is just an avalanche of stuff to sort out - children to support emotionally, a 20year relationship to try and disentangle and he has already mentally checked out and moving on to his new life and I feel so overwhelmed.

Sorry -there isn't even a question here just a rant.

Also sleeping! I haven't slept for more than a few hours a night since it happened. Sometimes because I am comforting the kids who are also struggling most at night but also because there is so much stuff going round my head. Any tips?

Sorry for what you’re going through.

Your husband is a complete arsehole. I’d tell your children only because they are likely to find out anyway and it will be better coming from a solid, stable, kind parent which is sounds like is only you in the relationship you had.

Have you seen your GP? Please do. Mine is brilliant with sleep issues and prescribed me a specific antihistamine which helped enormously.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you all.

You need to tell the kids as it will be much worse if they hear it from someone else. Don't worry about whether you should have told them already. There's no blueprint for this.

for you OP.

You haven't made a mistake. You are doing your best in a very difficult situation. Their father should be taking responsibility and explaining to his children what is going on.

Second the above- also if the kids need to sleep in with you for a bit for comfort, let them. They’ll soon go back to their own beds, but it can be reassuring for all of you for a while.
Hugs to you all, it is shitty, but you WILL get through this, you will
Be amazed how strong you are.

The children need to know. Other kids can be cruel and you don't want them to find out from someone else.
I'd warn their dad that if he is his plan then he should prepared for his children to react negatively towards this. They are old enough to be aware what cheating is and how crap it is.

You haven't made a mistake, your 'D'H has. He's moved the goalposts so now you really do need to tell them.

Do NOT be blaming yourself for floundering a bit in the absolute shit-storm your bastard husband has left you in.
You didn't know, so you acted on the information you had at the time. As others have said, it will be worse if they find out from local gossip. Get it out of the way now, so they can have a bit of time to assimilate it before school starts back.

And for you. I'm so sorry.

Agree with others. Text him that gossip has already reached you that he is about to move in with OW and her children are aware so he needs to tell his children pretty damn quick what his plans are.

Sorry for you. It's a shit time especially when they've mentally checked out and in the throes of lust with a new partner. You can only act on the information you have at the time. If we could live by hindsight life would be so much easier! You sound an amazingly strong Mum who is putting her children before her own emotional struggles. I know we do this but sometimes it needs to be said more and acknowledged. be strong

Thank you all so much. What a lovely supportive bunch you are.

I amgoing to do as suggested and text him. Am trying to be calm and businesslike so I can at least hang on to my dignity. I want to rant and rave at him and point out all the many many ways he is being a complete and utter dickhead but know that that isn't going to do anything except make me look bitter.

I've got my amazing kids, lovely family and friends and I am keeping the cats. :-) - in the end I know I am going to come out of this better off than him! (Not financially though)

I really admire you for taking the approach that you did, that took a great amount of courage and strength, and was a very selfless thing for you to have done, so big credit to you.

I think that you are right to continue in the way that you plan to handle things.

It sounds like you have a great support network :-)

Just wanted to comment on your attitude really, I think it's wonderful, and hope it prevails.

As for the sleep, please do as others have suggested and speak with your GP, they will be able to prescribe you something.

Take good care.

We separated last year (no ow involved) when children 13 & 15. Yes tell them it's better coming from you. Tell them nothing will change initially you will live in same house, go to same school and will all be ok. Do they have friends whose parents have separated show them egs of others who have come through it and are doing ok. Let them talk to each other I often heard my two talking at night rather than to me. One was upset and one very angry to his dad. One slept in my bed a few nights. Be there when they are ready to talk which may be at odd times. A year on they still describe it as such a shock and remember exactly what was said so personally I would handle it yourself. It's ok to be upset but tell them you are always going to be there and you will get through it together. Get some lavender oil and put it your pillow. I got some rescue remedy never convinced it actually does anything but psychologically I kid myself it does. Remember if you feel in shock they will too so give them strategies for shock. I can't imagine the ow kids are overjoyed with getting a new dad that's got kids at same school sounds like a recipe for disaster. you need to know for sure he is moving in but can tell them he has ow and who it is. My kids are v clingy with their dad there's lots of hugs and I love you's which wasn't how it was when he lived here (being too old / cool for that). That can be hard to see but it's a reflection they feel insecure with their dad while I am the parent they take for granted. It's going to be harder for your kids if they feel they have to compete with other children. I would also insist he sees them at his mothers and not with new family until they get over the initial shock. It's hard enough without having see him with someone else. My son told his dad he thought he was a dick so that saved me the bother and probably packed a much bigger punch than me saying it!

You sound like you are doing amazing. Hold your head up high and continue to act with dignity. Going through exactly the same thing. I have told my 11 year old daughter that her dad lied to me for 4 years about another woman. (This was after a lot of digging from my daughter and she eventually asked me outright did daddy lie to you about anther woman). I didn't want to lie to my daughter so I told her the truth. She gave me a big massive hug and said it all made sense why I didnt want to be in house when daddy came over. She also said I never want to see that woman which she never has to. ( she is a complete bunny boiler and she is welcome to my husband snd all his problems) I think up until that point her mind was worrying over why we split. Lies are never good tell your children the truth they will find out eventually better to hear it from you in a loving environment.

I told my DC (with DH present) that 'Daddy had another girlfriend and that's not allowed when you're married' but to this day they don't know who (someone they both knew, as it was someone I had thought was a close friend, and they knew her DC). We then stressed very much that his leaving was nothing to do with them and he had the opportunity to say he loved them very much (we had planned what to say - but his self-absorption was such that he 'forgot' to say that bit, so I did).

We also said that they'd see him every weekend, and that he'd still take them to sports etc. And he has lived up to that bit. There were times when I railed against him in their presence more than I think I should. But it has all calmed down now. I wish I had stuck to very plain, admin based communications only, as you are planning to. But if your plan goes awry and anger/emotion spill though, remember that tomorrow is another day, and you can deal with everything over time - the odd outburst/bout of sniping is nothing really in the circumstances.

He broke up with OW at pretty much the same time as I broke up with him. And has never been able to get past the stage if a few weeks/months of 'love bombing' with new victims girlfriends. So I've not yet had to deal with introduction of a new partner.

And look after yourself - remember to eat as well as tackling sleep.

You're doing brilliant. As a PP said there is no blueprint. Take each new development as slowly as you can. I decided not to lie to protect my selfish and lying stbxh. I owed it to myself to be honest. That didn't mean I told the children everything. But I answered their questions as honestly as I could without telling them stuff they didn't need to hear. I find myself sometimes saying things like 'I don't understand either, but the thing to remember is that your dad and I both love you very much". However selfish and thoughtless he is being. And please prepare yourself for him to be extremely selfish and thoughtless over the next few weeks and months. After my stbxh did all the same kind of stuff As yours, I realised I was reacting to choices he had made, not my choices. That helped me not to feel so guilty. It's tough though. Good luck 💐

Thank you all again. You have really bolstered me (and made me cry a little with your kind words but in a good way)

Well he has taken them out for tea and then is taking them back to his mums to tell them about his OW. I am waiting and praying that they are ok. I couldn't look at him when he came to pick them up - it's too confusing as he looks like my DH but he sure as hell isn't acting like him.

You are so brave OP.
My ex went off with another woman ( former friend)
I did not want my DS near her. Had to give in.
But by being stable in front of them, will help them cope.
Just make sure you have a bolt hole or the dc can go to their grandparents for when the reality sets in and you need to express your emotions fully.

You are doing amazingly well op