Want to divorce but feel alone and worried about the future

[gizmocat1]

Dear friends,

I’m very unhappy. I don’t want to be married to my husband anymore. He’s not a bad person but there’s nothing between us anymore . He’s 20 years older than me , I’m 45 now. I just don’t fancy him anymore and have felt like this for years. I can’t make myself have sex with him anymore so we don’t . I told him a month ago that I wanted us to split up which he took well but now seems to think I’ve changed my mind (despite the fact that nothing has changed between us, don’t share a room or no affection).

Weirdly he never pursues why things are as they are, I don’t get it🤔.

I know we should split up but feel stressed by the concept of staying and leaving.

If we split and sell up . The house needs lots of things ( mostly minor) doing to make it sellable and he will not help me ) as it’s my decision to sell.

My family are not supportive ☹️. Mum knows I don’t love him but says I should stay as it’s easier financially and with childcare and he’s not a bad man so I should just carry on. I told her I’d felt like this many years and the age gap is now becoming more apparent but she said they’d always been a 20 year gap so why is it a problem now 😳. When he was in his 40’s and I was in my 20’s it was different to what it is now, we’ve changed .

Feel scared and don’t know what to do? Do I just stay with someone despite us not loving each other because splitting is more stressful ☹️

You are only 45, you have your entire life ahead of you! Divorce will be stressful but it's better than staying in a unhappy marriage for another 20+ years.

Any chance he can buy your half of the house?

Are there any kids?

I don’t think he can buy half of the house as he’s retired now and only has a limited income. We have 1 son together who we adopted when he was 2. I also worry about the impact on him too. It’s very hard ☹️

I feel your pain. My husband is a lot older too and I feel the same way you do. I'm early 40's. All I can say is to plan in a calm way in your mind. Get the house done, step by step. Get your ducks lined up in a row, so you feel financially ready, then embarking on the emotional may just be a little easier. This is my theory, easily said than done, as in practice it's still likely to be very awful. I have a child too and worry how they will be affected and so keep stalling, telling myself my happiness is secondary whilst they are little and it would be much better to wait until they are older. My heart goes out to you.

Could you go to couples counselling, see what is salvageable and if not talk about how to make a good separation - you need to decide on how to
coparent for example

To OP

Some marriages just fizzle out. 45 is not too old to start again.

What’s your situation Gizmocat? Are you working?

I think a starting point would be to look at the financial practicalities. Take a look at entitledto.com to see if you could get any benefits.

I don’t think it’s impossible. Many of us who aren’t in great situations financially manage better than we think.

My marriage ended a couple of years ago and I was your age. I am happier than I have been in a very long time.

I’m working full time at present. I think things will be tough. It depends how much we can get for the house . We spoke today about it . It was very hard. I’m starting to doubt myself though deep down I know it’s the right thing to do xx

Hubby and I have spoken about selling up and splitting since I last wrote and I have had 1 house valuation. He is very upset about things. He feels we could just carry on living together and maybe I’d fancy him again, in the future, if we shared a room again. He’s angry he’s invested so much into the house which he won’t get back and will live somewhere hideous if we sell up. He Feels it’s all my fault especially because I won’t have sex with him anymore, and this is the problem in his eyes because I have no sex drive. He’s reckons it will destroy our son, making him insecure and ruin his studies. I feel sooooo guilty and am contemplating changing my mind as this is all too dreadful ... the stress is immense . The atmosphere in the house is dreadful.

Did everyone feel like this when they told their partner they’d had enough?

Part of me feels we should stay together because this stress is to vile but I just can’t make myself have sex with him anymore... I just don’t feel attracted to him anymore. Please help 😢

It’s tricky I know. I finally made the decision to split in May. We’ve been married for 19 years. I’m also 45. I’m worried that I’ll be alone forever but I also believe that staying with someone you don’t love anymore because it’s easier is a mistake. We have one life. We have to make it as full and happy as we can. Your son will struggle with this - my kids have. However the fear of upsetting him is also not a reason to stay. He has 2 parents who love him. That won’t change. I wish you the best of luck.

I’m in an unhappy marriage. Have yet to ask for a divorce, but am getting my ducks in a row.

What has helped me the most was going to see a counsellor on my own. I’ve been seeing her twice a month for about 8 months, and it has been so helpful to talk to someone about my feelings, DHs behaviour which is emotionally abusive (and I suspected was such...), and my reasons for leaving.

My DM and DBro are right behind me, but I felt a third party input from a counsellor was really useful. Also gave me a chance to have a good cry and de-stress

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

Did you explain to your husband that sex stems from an attraction and the attraction just isn't there any longer? You have to feel something to want to have sex. You don't. Don't feel bad about it.

Don't let him manipulate you into feeling guilty. If you feel you need to move on, do so. Counseling is a good idea as suggested above as well but if you're beyond that, don't feel guilty about it or anything else. Your child will be alright if you try and make the transition as smooth as possible.

You deserve to be happy and for someone to cherish you and give you what you need and he deserves someone who will cherish him and give him what he needs. Whatever you decide though, best of luck. :)