Hi everyone I need someone to talk to I'm feeling so alone
I'll try and give abridged version but a lot of of background before current state of affairs
I'm 33 known my now husband since I was 18 been with husband for 8 years married for 4 years 9 months gave birth to our first son all sounds perfect right?!
Well within couple months of us being bug/gf long distance relationship him in birmingham and me in london he was put on anti depressants I never really knew why and never talked about why but he was on them for a couple months then decided not to take them anymore he was in Banda when I knew him in my teens and then when starting going out in my twenties still in bands trying to make it he was probably from age 16- 29 had been in about 6 bands before that he'd tried to make it as a footballer but that never happens either.
I must also say he had a profoundly autistic younger brother only by a couple of years to the point that during his childhood it was that he wouldn't get to watch what he wanted on tv when he was around birthdays and Christmas meant present opening in secret didn't get to blow out the candles and family holidays didn't happen and would be taken by his grandparents then after 18 years of dealing with that his brother went to live away a couple of days a week and then full time basis he now visits Home once every 4 weeks as he wants his own space and likes his schedule.
I digress bit think is important to know.
My husbands career alongside the bands has lucky for him without qualification been at law firms as a paralegal but never earning a lot and never committing or focusing and just having it to pay bills in the hopes that music would be it.
After a year or so of dating we moved in together I left my high life of london for a smaller but equally exciting city of birmingham as soon as we moved in together things changed despite him being for a short time on anti depressants and seeing each other a couple of days every couple of weeks when I was in london he was besotted with me would happily spend an afternoon just being silly together listening to music making pancakes turning up for a surprise visit or even saving his money and taking me to the theatre we went to club rock nights and local london gigs with my friends it was great he didn't have money at the time and was sleeping on sofas and I was barely earning enough to get buy but we had a blast.
Then living together it would seem the silly laughable rants we would all find hilarious when out talking about music or films weaved a common negative thread daily about most topics his motivation when he lived with mates to do dishes and cook and take out trashed seemed all too distant and not leaving my side and feeling showcased when out turned into me being left on the sidelines or at home whilst he socialised.
I spent years treading on eggshells putting up with it because I worshipped him I supported his solo efforts and got behind him anyway I could but yet again another project that didn't quite take off how he hoped
Then after various groups of friends and bands taking priority over the spotlight on our relationship please enter instagram.
Gone were the applause and attention from the band days he was feeling empty and so he learnt a like4like on photos and even tho he would and never did cheat the likes of photos were that of average looking slutty girls this went on for 2 years breaking my heart repeatedly that my compliments and attention weren't enough. Whilst all this was going on he would go out atleast once a week with his friends never with me and lead to what was planning to be our first mini holiday away he managed to change to a trip with lads from work then not being able to afford it having his parents pay and 2weeks after got back was my birthday and unable to afford a gift for me.
Lots more like this but I loved him and kept telling myself none of this was him it was circumstance that made him act this way
His parents offered to buy a flat for us in brum where we would pay min rent to go into savings for a deposit one day
I didn't want a flat in a city I wanted our future to be near family in a house with a garden etc
He was adament a flat in a city was the life for us then family bereavement lead to him having a revelation and wanting to leave the city dream and build a life closer to home music to my ears
We got engaged and finally thought he's become the man I knew was there all along he just needed some maturing... then it seems the instagram ego hasn't quite finished it leads to opening up about needed attention feeling pathetic and awful to do that to me etc etc
I believe him.
Then conversations around not sure if he wants children when I'm 100% I do made me question whether to marry him but I decide ultimately I love him and what will be will be.
3 years of marriage and he'd had 4 different jobs in same city always moaning and unhappy always someone at the place of work fault either made redundant sacked or left never held a job down for longer than a year since married never been able to save I've always paid majority of bills and groceries etc.
Then after a couple of years and lots of chats finally says would like kids one day and in space of 6months goes from maybe in 2 years time to let's start now!
Whilst I was pregnant knowing my pay would reduce he didn't save a penny, when it was Father's Day he messaged one girl and one guy he knew who lost their dads saying was thinking of them but didn't check in with me to see how I was coping.
With a coupl months to go before gave birth I asked him to make sure he got to grips with making some snacks/lunches for me because I'd be out of action a few days and busy bfing to cook for myself or us
Safe to say that didn't happen and he's asking for step by step guidance on how to make me scrambled egg of toast when in 24hrs I'd had 45mins sleep and baby wouldn't stop cluster feeding.
He has more of a relationship with friends on whatsapp than me or baby and can't not check his phone phone for notifications when changing babies nappy even when driving with me and baby in guy he feels the need tontxt back a mate when on the dual carriage.
I asked him to read about weaning to help when came to solids he didn't and I'm 3 months of baby eating meals he's only ever prepped one meal and fed him about 5/6 times bare in mind he hadn't been in work for 2months after handing in his notice
But can give up time and energy for his mates or even clicking with strangers he feels the need to help support or make feel better but belittles me moaning about not taking time out for me or his son.
Anyway after years of pestering he's finally agreed to marriage counselling but he's recently admitted he wouldn't care if he didn't wake up and that's he's deeply unhappy with his life and job
He lost it on the phone to me on the way home from work and after previously warning him didn't want our baby being around this negative and angry energy I asked him to stay at his parents he refused so I said then I would go to mine for a night or 2 with baby
He got home and shocked to see if actually followed through punched and threw keys at wall leaving dents and scratches told his parents half a story and gone to stay at hotel refusing to see me and acting the victim I was only halfway to my mums when he called asking why I had gone i straight away said I'll come back and I did.
He wasn't home I called his parents and he'd been to see them weren't much help.
When he comes home tomorrow I don't know what to say or do I feel I've constantly been barely 2nd or 3rd priority and feel jealous of his phone and friends because they get the best of him and I'm feeling alone in a relationship and like a single parents and he just doesn't see it!