Telling the children tomorrow - dreading it

[percy1979]

Some of you may remember my post on Mother's Day - I found my husband's laptop open while he gave the kids a bath and found pages and pages of imessages to woman he had a one night stand with in Feb and had been telling he loved her, sending photos of our kids, receiving photos of her daughter etc etc.

Fast forward almost 5 months and things are shit. He has almost moved out in that he is staying a his mother's, but all his stuff is here and he comes and goes as he pleases and says if I ask him to go he will stop paying any money into joint account for rent etc. He was seeing the OW for a while, so pretty much ignored the kids for March-May, disappearing for 7 out of 11 weekends to spend time with his whore who in turn dumped her 8 year old daughter on her parents. They have both declared they are alcoholics, and he started AA, but it seems he has now stopped going.

There has been lots of shouting and swearing from him at me in front of the children, we have already been to court about a term time holiday he wanted to take them on and his posting of confidential documents regarding that court hearing on Facebook. It has been a nightmare.

So after I first raised how we talk to the children back in May, he has now agreed we can talk to them together tomorrow evening when he comes after work. Our children are 7 and almost 5. The younger one really doesn't seem bothered that daddy isn't here, although on Friday he said something I wasn't expecting "I wonder if daddy will ever come home, he has been at work for so long". The 7 year old on the other hand seems really effected by everything. Her emotional resilience has dropped, she keeps asking why daddy is shouting, and why he is staying at Granny's, and I think she will be incredibly upset when we talk to them tomorrow.

I should mention at the point that my husband is a complete narcissist, and says everything is my fault, including his affair, and he has no regrets with his decision. The OW is more vulnerable than me, and needed him.... It makes me want to vomit.

He has decided to rent a flat next door to his mother, in the same building, 60 miles from us and about the same from his work - so he is ruling out any overnight stays during term time.

I've drafted out what we should say to the children - no blame, "We tried everything, we still care about each other blah blah" but I feel like a total fraud! My husband hasn't even bothered to reply to confirm he will stick to this, or suggest any changes. He hasn't brought up the topic of how much money he will continue to pay into joint account, just sporadically makes threats not to pay anything. Things are complicated because we own a flat which we rent out that will need to be sold at some point, so at the moment I feel in a very precarious position, and cannot afford even a smaller family home where we currently live on my current salary.

Sorry - that ended up being a massive rant....

Any tips or helpful comments? I feel so lost. Family trying to be helpful but my children are so young and I'm so worried about how they will react

There is a very good book by relate called 'Help your children cope with your divorce'. I know you want to tell them tomorrow but it is very useful. From what I have read (but not told my children yet) is that you provide a unified front that you are both separating. I am prepared to suck it up and be neutral when I tell my children. Which I am dreading so good luck. x

To OP

Based on what you have said it certainly sounds like the end of the road. Has either of you began divorce proceedings? Once that is done you can apply for a Maintenance Pending Suit (MPS). This can apparently be arranged quickly to ensure the financially weaker party has enough to get by until finances are resolved. So don't be too bothered about threats to cut you off money wise.

I remember your initial thread op, so sorry to hear it’s been this awful

Your script sounds fine but it’s high risk that your stbx will be difficult.

Taking action on the money issue will make you feel less vulnerable so I agree with pp suggestion about starting divorce proceedings.

If you can, make a backup plan for what to say when daddy announces that mummy is being difficult and when she stops being a sillybilly daddy will move back into his bedroom and everyone will be happy. That's what my ex said when I'd done what you have and planned a neutral explanation. I had to jump in with mummy's not silly but she doesn't want to be married to daddy so daddy needs to live somewhere else now. He stayed in the spare room for 8 months whilst the divorce went on.

Hi Op. I hope you are doing ok today. That time when you know and they don’t is very hard. It is better when you tell them. Mine were 8 and 5. We used the book mum and Dad glue which was really good at helping them to understand.

Be prepared for questions over the coming months and then trying to blame you. Try as best as you can to stick to the minimum they need to know. Remove emotions about how you feel about each other (easier said than done I know)and stick to facts. Regardless of what he does.

My eldest is 13 now and hasn’t stayed mid week for two years, her choice due to school. He could still see them after school though even if not over night, that’s what my daughter does. Then comes home.

Good luck. It does get better.

Also dreading telling my kids which is coming soon.

Trying to remember that not everything hangs on this one conversation - there will times afterwards to explain, expand, and even contradict if/when the kids need other information. This first conversation is about reassuring them that we love them, they are not responsible, and our commitment to being their parents isn't changing, and letting them know what is changing and staying the same practically.

I'm thinking to take the line that mum and dad will be better friends when we live apart but I need to work that through a bit first...I'm not telling them about his OW (no longer seeing her). Maybe will need to rethink if I see my son coming up with wrong assumptions about why (if he blames himself for example).

Good luck

Thanks everyone for the support. It was fairly awful to begin with. Husband just sat there and did nothing to start conversation. I got children to the table, said there was something mummy and daddy needed to talk to them about. I said "you know how there has been lots of arguing and shouting, and I know how you don't like that, well that is going to stop now because daddy isn't going to live here any more". Then they burst burst into tears (they are prone to being over-dramatic!) and my husband sat there saying nothing but shaking his head at me. He then acted like he was the one smoothing it all over, making way too many promises, like pony riding (I kid you not), having cool bunk beds etc.... I was supportive, we both talked about the positives. He at not point blamed me or said anything bad about me in front of them. They were OK after about half an hour, and wondered off to watch TV.

While they were out of the room he said he couldn't believe I had done nothing about moving out and finding a place I could afford on my own. Whilst I have a slightly better salary than him, I cannot easily afford a 2 or 3 bedroom place near enough for me to get to my job and children to get to school. And anyway, I shouldn't have to pay for it all on my own! I said that if he wants to discuss reducing his contributions then he needs to complete a form E (he refused to when I asked in July) and we need to attend mediation (he has also refused to do that). How can I possibly commit to a 12 month rental contract when I don't know how much money there will be. (His mother is guarantor for his new place, which is why he can afford somewhere so expensive and can pass the credit checks!)

I've chatted to my 7 year old more this evening at bedtime and asked her how she was feeling. She cried again, and talked about not having family days out together any more. I asked her to remember the last family day out and what had happened - she then remembered daddy being cross all day and shouting at everyone. I said that sometimes when people are sad they get cross. Mummy and daddy have been very sad, and that's why there has been too much arguing and shouting, and that's not right. Things would be much better now, and when they are with daddy he will not be as cross. Then she said he was really cross last time he took them out on a Sunday afternoon....

Hi Percy,

It sounds like it went as well as these things can. Have you started the divorce proceedings?

Has he actually moved out? You mention he has a new place.

There will be lots of questions that come and just be as honest as you can and regardless of what he does don’t say negative things about him. What you’ve been saying sounds spot on.

The kids will see. Honestly they will.

Well done Percy. Sounds like they went as well as could be expected. When my H and I told DS 11 we did very similar and he burst into tears. We told him we had really tried but we kept arguing (which DS hates) and that we both loved him and would always be a family just wouldn’t live together any more. We said we were sorry. We all cried. We said he would see loads of us both, Dad would move out but still be here after school every day until I get home. I work full time, he is self employed.

Good luck with everything. In my case it was a relief DS knew. Within a week he wasn’t that sad. 3 months on, he isn’t sad at all so far as we can tell although I am sure he would be happy if we got back together. We generally get on at least outwardly. We have many issues but that’s for another thread. He was also unfaithful from Feb. I found out mid March. DS is aware there was/is someone else. He has met her. He isn’t fussed about spending time with her so I have discouraged and H is reasonably supportive. They haven’t been seeing each other but suspect they will. He was just testing if i’d have him back and I suspect he won’t want to be on his own. No chance mate!

Have you filled in your tax credits paperwork?

How did it go OP? We told our children today. They were fine. Although should add much younger than yours. Good luck.

I live with a man who is very similar blames everything on me and insisits I should be grateful for all he does,( ive just started the separation process) u will get through this and be much happier, bad marriages can be harmful for children not two happy parents living separately who love them be brave stick up for yourself and you will be ok, its a long process but look into the future you will see a happier calmer selfxx