How to 'co-parent' with a raging narcissist

[mynamechangemyrules]

So... I've posted before and had so much support on here, it basically kept me going and I managed to separate from my emotionally and financially manipulative/ abusive husband.

For further background, we live abroad, he now lives elsewhere (still don't know where, he gave false address when he had the children overnight and so when they tried to serve the divorce papers on him, an elderly lady was very confused by it all...

)
I am in the house with the 3 children. He has now received the papers which detail his abuse and this has changed his behaviour a little, but anyway... onto the actual question:

How do you co-parent with someone who is lacking in any empathy without losing your mind?!!!

He recently had the children (not all at once you understand, that would be ‘stretching myself too thin to have a pleasant time’!!) in the UK and took them to every single tourist attraction. Of course, with me they ‘just’ went to the beach/ park every day... He’s late every time, he never has all 3, he picks and chooses, he criticises whatever I’ve packed for them (I pack every single bottle/ snack/ change of clothes, despite him now presumably having quite a collection since a lot never comes back to me)
Anyway there’s loads of crappy little things.
I hope a few of these will disappear when the papers are sorted, but what I find most at the moment is that by ‘coping’ with this and all the other shit (money taken, returning to our overseas home to find he’s taken all the crockery, glasses and pots and pans- as well as the Sonos and plenty of other stuff) I find that I am actually turning into him!! I’m the one being an arse and saying hurtful things to the children, where I’ve been the calm and positive one.
How can I maintain my positivity whilst wanting to give him a slap every time I see him??!!!

In short, you don't. It is simply not possible to 'co-parent' with a narc. Co-parenting requires flexibility, good communication between parents, co-operation, bending and flexing around the children. None of that is possible with a narc who just wants control, control, control.

This article is really useful: www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/anxiety-zen/201502/forget-co-parenting-narcissist-do-instead

Just get rid of any expectations that somehow you will be able to share the parenting load between you.

I have absolute minimal (zero if I can) contact with my ex narc and don't involve him with anything that happens with my DCs in my house and he works the same way. When we do have to communicate I make sure I am short, civil and boring - I don't engage in his bullying, rude communication or drama

Let him take you to court would be my advice. Playing favourites with the dc is not in their best interests. And a court would insist you had his address unless he is a dv victim.

Aprilflowers the selected child/ golden child thing is my major concern. The middle child is really unsettled- the middle child is also the one who is 'picked on' by the eldest (not) and isn't allowed hand-me-downs (stbxh is 2nd and hated them). I feel somewhat like I 'saved' the other two from the emotional aggression, but I've 'stolen' the affection from #2. I am very equal in my approach to the kids (other than #3 still needs feeding etc), but I have given #2 rather more attention recently to 'make-up' for what they may feel they've lost... don't know if I'm right.

You can’t co parent with a toxic ex. I’ve seen this from the other side - my OH has a very toxic EW and it was hell for him. Since I came along (well after his divorce) he’s been through the courts for contact. A judge has directed that she is not to ring or text him - she is only allowed to email and both parties must respond within 4 working days (she’s unable to abide by this). He only communicates in a factual business like manner. She’s extremely vitriolic (at a recent parents evening with their son in tow she shouted ‘you can f@ck off’ and was given a stern taking to by a teacher (to give you an example of what he is dealing with).

You can’t patent normally with these people, you have to find coping strategies. My OH attended a SIPP course and said it was really valuable.

Good luck.

I am at the start of this process. I have stopped contact for the moment due to stbxh drinking and because I worry he will take them/ use them to hurt me. It is so hard I have a baby and a toddler and feel I am involved in psychological warfare! We will need to go to court I think to sort contact. I wanted him to have good supervised contact with them but he has pushed and pushed and his family who I thought could supervise have started to believe his lies and turn on me so now I do trust them to supervise. No advice but will be following @Lorry123 great article thank you.

One important factor is to let go of them changing or you being able to influence them.

I struggle with this as I can't see why he does stuff that will harm our dc. You have to accept their brains are wired differently and cannot make compassionate decisions as it will always be about them.

Over time it does get easier, contact order is needed so that there are guidelines and you have to pick your battles. Focus on what is really important.

Get outside support and someone to help balance you. After years of stressful living with Ex my triggers are high and I have family member who helps to calm me and see the bigger picture. Separating from a Narc is the best gift you can give your children so whilst it is not ideal you can show them a more normal way to respond so they will be less damaged.
My dc are much more prepared for toxic people than I ever was!

@lifebegins I get that I cannot change him but how do I trust him to look after our babies? He is a drinker and last week he wanted to pick them up but I knew he would still be over the limit from the night before so I said no. I want him to see the kids but every time I find a solution I am happy with he pushes and pushes for more and he is soooo angry with me that it frightens me (used to threaten that if I left I would never see them again) my babies are 1 and 2.5 so I need to know they are safe we are going through courts but if it takes months they will forget him if no contact before then. I feel like I am ruining my babies lives...

Oh that is so tough, they are needing protection.
Can you get womens aid involved? They are good advocates for situations like this.