Reading/Books: TOO GOOD TO LEAVE & COMING APART etc

[WouldntWearItToTheBog]

My marriage is ending. I have told my (ex) husband and am navigating the feelings and the transition in general.
My unhappiness led me to see recommendations for "Too Bad to Stay Too Good To Leave" and now that one ended things, I'm reading "Coming Apart" which I also saw recommended on here.

Curious to know if anyone read "Too Bad to Stay" and actually decided to STAY?
I obviously concluded that it was time to go, I know that's the right thing and yet a tiny stubborn twisted part of me thinks if I hadn't read it, I'd still be married.

And regarding "Coming Apart", I'm finding it excellent.

Any other helpful reads?

I read Too Good to Leave and stayed. 18 years on I'm in a bad place but think it's too late now in my early 60s. I have no life outside of the marriage and couldn't do it to our (adult) children. I haven't worked for over 3 years so no income, only the state pension in 5 years time... I feel terribly stuck. I would have to move to a cheaper area in order to afford anywhere to live, and although I'm unhappy now I worry I would be terribly lonely and my children would never forgive me.

We don't have any grandchildren. If we did have I'm sure that would bring some joy back and a sense of purpose and I wouldn't be feeling as I feel.

My OH is not a bad person but he has hurt me time and again, and his passive aggressive behaviour makes it hard for me to heal and forgive and move on. So my inability to forgive is what's causing the problems now but I can't forgive without some consistent thoughtful kindness from him. If something he's said or done triggers the hurt and I want to talk to him about it again, instead of empathy and support he is defensive and justifies and underplays what he said / did which implies my hurt is an unreasonable reaction. Which I don't think it is.

Sorry for hi-jacking your thread. I didn't mean to say all that.

I haven't read Coming Apart, but if things change I will. Good luck, OP, it sounds like Too good to Leave helped you gain clarity. I read dozens of books and that one is the only one I kept. I might have another read now if I can find it.

Villageshop, sorry to read about the sad situation you find yourself in.

Are grandchildren likely?
Do you have the means to do things you like/ go places without him?
Do you have close friends? (Not the same, I know)
I could identify with what you describe. You want/ need more from him.

Let me know what you think when you re- read the book, if you find it. X

I read both books while I was broken up from my husband in the past. Too Good to Leave made a lot of sense at the time. 'Coming Apart' assured me at the time that I had done the right thing. We ended up getting back together but it hasn't been smooth sailing for years now ... perhaps I should've paid more attention to what was written in the books!

@villageshop You've basically described my husband. We're only married a few years but the cracks are very much there.

A good friend read it and decided to stay. She was able to focus more and more on creating healthy boundaries, which improved her own and their family life greatly.

I also read it, decided we should split yet are still together. I'm in therapy and we are working on our various co-dependency issues.

Coming into the "Exercises" bit of Coming Apart. Tears everywhere but hopefully this heartache is constructive and illuminating and worthwhile. I'm going to have to go slowly with them.

Hi I read both and left after what was the most painful decision to leave 18 months of not being sure. His behaviour this past year has shown I did the right thing. I mean had I of not left I would not have seen all this but they say the true person comes out when angry. Being in limbo is harder than making a choice. Also I had alot of counclling and would strongly recommend you do this as it helped guide my thoughts towards that as a decision. I mean 1 year on I'm living with my mum with our 5 children and it's not easy bit I met someone else and am totally in love and feel so happy with them. Now I know why I left. X

Thanks, Blossom and I'm glad you found happiness again.