It will be ok...

[letsmakeacake]

I've been writing a bit each day to keep myself calm, to try to stop panicking and to keep things in perspective. I've found some days a little hopeful and things have certainly been better in the last two weeks, but it is only temporary... I've decided to post on here because I realise I have no experience to draw on and there is a lot of it out there - maybe I can learn from it.

The 20 year old me had solid friends to bounce things off. I always had plenty of good advice when I needed it, but 30 years of marriage has left me very isolated with almost no-one to ask for advice.

I have gone from being the person who dealt with all the real-life stuff so that he could pretend it was nothing to do with him and play at "running a business" to being an inconvenience now that he has met "the one". He has promised to buy her a house (or bully us out of this one) and live happily ever after, leaving me to deal with massive debts and a ton of other real-life stuff that he has decided to run away from.

We have 2 DCs at uni. Both are facing big difficulties at the minute - and they both need a lot of support.

They love their dad, but his mid-life crisis has been going on for years and has been very expensive and extremely difficult for all of us. Him going and living happily ever after with someone else is a good thing, it's sad but it will be better for all of us. We have all worked really hard to make him happy but nothing we did was ever good enough, and in the end it was clear to me and to our DCs that it never would be. I regret not realising this sooner, not having the courage to leave, being stupid enough to think I could make it ok if I only tried harder and most of all falling for his lies. But I've realised it now and it will be ok. I just have no idea how to go about this... or even where to start.

Day by day. You sounds very strong and capable. You will get through this. Although some days it is hour by hour
Gather good people around you. Friends will listen. Get professional help if you think you need too see your gp.
Write a list of everything you need to do. Debts. Wills, life insurance. Council tax etc etc. You will feel like you are making some head way as you cross things off.
Gather his stuff up and store it somewhere you don't use often. Move the furniture around. Try and make Home look a little bit different.
You will get through this. Life is like that. But sometimes it just feels impossible.

Thank you eve. It's been pretty overwhelming for a (long) while. There is just so very much of everything.

@letsmakeacake are you working?
It's a grieving process.

Also, if he has his own business, getting divorced will effect that. However it might make it easier for him to squirrel money and assets away. If he has left any statements etc in the house I would recommend photocopying them

I work in the business for very little pay. It's in his name (sole trader). We both worked hard to build it. I gave up work to support him to live his dream. I cannot believe how unbelievably wet I have become.

When he first moved out we both agreed we would work together to keep the business going but he has other priorities now and I don't think "the one" wants him to have any kind of relationship with us. I've had to cancel work when he's decided to spend time with her instead of doing it. It has been very difficult to get him to commit to new work. We're not currently generating enough to live on. He's been working odd days elsewhere and I guess that works for him in the short term.
I thought I might be able to keep things going and bring in other staff to do the work, but wonder if I'm just kidding myself even if that is an option.

You work for Little pay- is that because you don't work many hours or because it's low skill? If it's just because it's your husband's business then that's not on and surely would be reflected in any settlement. Maybe a business discussion is needed. Are you going to be properly paid and employed or can you try and get a similar job elsewhere?

Yes - just because it is his business. We've worked together as if it's a partnership - except it isn't because I never thought it would need to be. It's quite hard to get similar work and it is generally not that well paid which is why we set the business up. It was his dream. He says it still is. From my point of view it allowed me to work flexibly from home. We were able to generate enough to live well (although his refusal to live within our means meant it never felt like it). If we could co-operate we could still live well (separately) but he seems unable or just unwilling to do it. It's like dealing with a teenager.

Are you registered as a secretary or an official role within the business? If so, he can't just get rid of you..

And if he doesn't want you involved he still owes you your salary!

thanks