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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Risking MH by Staying in House

10 replies

AForest · 20/07/2018 16:32

Life is intolerable, I feel so low I don't see how I can go on. All the advice I have is don't leave. But is it worth risking my health? I feel myself getting lower and lower to the point where I feel a danger to myself.

We are only at the stage of H receiving the petition (he is contesting it), no finance discussions yet. He is EA and controlling. Belittles me in front of the children, blames me for everything. I know I am partly to blame, but not for everything. I have some savings which are paying for the divorce and will cover rent for a limited time.

I would be going against my solicitor's advice if I move out. I don't want to live in this house, I want to start again. How disadvantaged will I be?

Some history - married 16 years, 3DC (13,12 and 7), I am not employed but have started a business currently earning £500 per month. H on £80k pa plus bonus. Equity in house around £120k. He won't move out. If I leave I could claim benefits for a while?

Any advice?

OP posts:

PurpleSweetPeas · 20/07/2018 17:28

No, it isn't worth your mental health. Been there and done that. Nothing is worth more than your sanity.

My ex was EA. You will need your own space to be and feel safe.

Original poster

AForest · 20/07/2018 17:45

Thank you for you reply, that is the conclusion I am coming to. Feeling safe is so important, I might be able to focus a bit more then

OP posts:

lifebegins50 · 20/07/2018 20:05

Are you planning on taking the children?
I am surprised solicitor gave this advice, as men move out without impact to home rights but I know my friend was given similar advice.
My friend was impacted by living in the house and so were the children.The Ex also used tge time to document her "poor parenting", such as photographs of washing up, he hid school clothes etc..

Original poster

AForest · 20/07/2018 22:24

I do want the children with me but I won't be able to afford much more than a two bed or small three bed. Initially I will have to try and get the house furnished for them so it may be a couple of weeks. This is another huge quandary. But while I live separately in this house I can't parent them very well as it is. Whatever I do with them he talks over me, barges in on conversations, stories etc. He spends lots on gifts for them which I cannot do. It's breaking me. I think the only way I can cope and try and rebuild a relationship with them is to leave and them spend some time with me once I am sorted (I can sleep on a sofa bed as I do already). I think he is building a picture against me, I just have a feeling. He is so measured, unemotional and calculating. He makes comments about what I don't do and is sarcastic about the things I do do. Maybe I am paranoid but he messes with my head. It's the only way I can see to try and improve things for them and me. I'm exhausted I can't think straight and I need to be able to build my business not make myself ill. This is so hard.

OP posts:

recluse · 21/07/2018 07:24

The issue with moving out is that your husband could then claim that he is the primary carer.

I stayed in the same house for about 9 months (until ex was ordered by the courts to move out - it was part of our consent order), and during that time I did feel like moving out two or three times, but was always advised not to. I am really glad I didn’t, and dealt with the situation by mentally blocking ex as much as I could, and spending some time away - for example I would try to be out of the house most of Saturday. Easier for me probably as my dc are a bit older.

Even so, ex told the courts that he was the primary carer (and a lot of other lies), but no one paid a blind bit of attention to that .

I think the recommended path for when someone is being as awful as your husband is to get a non-molestation or occupation order.

I also dealt with the situation by harnessing my righteous anger. Now my ex hates my guts I think, but he was awful during the last many years of our marriage, so what exactly did he expect, I ask myself. He wanted the “marriage” preserved, but to carry on treating me as he was doing.

Standing up to all of that felt great (but very frightening, and my ex was vile during the divorce), but I had a lot of support from my solicitor and from my Dad (financially and emotionally).

I think you need to be clear about what you want out of the situation, and I also think you need to start the financial process ASAP, because that is the nub of it. Put in an application to take him to court over finances - it takes a while for that to go through, so the sooner the better. The courts will say you have to go to one session of mediation, but your husband does not sound like the type to mediate.

While you are in the same house, are there friends and family who can support you - by coming over or by your visiting them with your dc?

recluse · 21/07/2018 07:28

Basically it was an endurance test, but I put my head down and ploughed on - it was very hard and I thought it was never going to be over, but then it was over (a lot of things not sorted yet, but ex no longer lives here - I would not have believed it to be possible).

recluse · 21/07/2018 07:32

Also, would you be able to see a counsellor while you are going through this - to help deal with your feelings of depression?

Original poster

AForest · 21/07/2018 11:54

Thank you recluse. I do worry that stepping away will give him more power over the children. Maybe that is what he wants. He is very good at manipulation and swings from threatening to nice and back again regularly. He too wants to hold onto the marriage but I can't see why. He offers me no emotional support, we have been platonic for nearly seven years. This is no life. He won't change and I have tried.

I have seen a counsellor but was only offered 6 appointments on the NHS. That got me to the point of having the strength to start divorce proceedings. My solicitor offers support so I have the occasional telephone consultation. My family all live hundreds of miles away. I have a few friends but after a while I just don't want to burden them.

Thanks again for replying. It's good to know you are out on the other side. I won't rush into anything, but if the atmosphere gets worse I might just have to put myself first or it will wear me down too much to the point where I can't fight.

OP posts:

Thamesis · 22/07/2018 14:55

OP - so sorry you are in this horrible position. Can you get some support from Women's Aid alongside your solicitor whilst divorce going through? He sounds v abusive. And keep posting here if it helps your sanity.

You are NOT the problem, hold onto that. And I echo what solicitor says - don't move out. Someone as manipulative as your ex will definitely turn that to his advantage in whatever nasty way he can. If necessary your solicitor could go for court orders if things get worse.

for you. You will get through this. I know how draining it is but you will do it.

Fenwickdream · 22/07/2018 15:04

Don’t leave without your children, you will regret it. Take them with you or at least offer and tell them you want them to come. You will have to claim benefits anyway if you only earn £500 a week so they will sort out help toward your housing too. Please - don’t leave without your children x

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