Advice needed about co-parenting!

[justthisguy]

STXW and I are amicable but still feeling our way through this.

Having been heavily involved in co-parenting the children on a daily basis (as much as being the sole breadwinner would allow), I'm now finding it hard to adapt not being with them. Some might look at my newly free evenings with envy. They might call me lucky. I don't. the highlights are the days they come round for tea when I get back from work - when I get to cook them a meal, give them a bath and put them in pyjamas before driving them back to Mum's for bed.

I don't want to be doing hobbies. I don't want to be going out with friends. I just want to be washing them, reading them stories, singing them songs, washing their clothes and making their lunches for school like I did before we split.

As such, I rejected the offer of "every other weekend" insisting I wanted to co-parent as close to 50:50 as circumstances would allow. As the sole breadwinner, working full-time, forced to move out to a flat some distance away, this has not proved easy. In addition, our eldest does quite a few after-school activities. STBXW is beginning to complain that the time spent with me is disrupting their routine and exhausting them.

It breaks my heart, but I'm beginning to think she may have a point. Is it better for them to be stable with her than constantly boomerang between Mum and Dad?

Am I being selfish demanding so much access - should I just accept the standard "once a fortnight" deal instead?

Has anyone been in a similar scenario or have any suggestions/advice/insight?

Sorry it must be very tough.

Can you move closer to ex?

I've read some threads where the children stay at family home and the parents shuttle between houses e.g. 4 nights, 3 nights. Less disruptive for them.

Is it your working pattern that means you can't have them overnight? I imagine most 50-50 care is 4 nights with one parent 3 with the other etc.

Any arrangement shouldn’t be to the detriment of the dcs but that doesn’t mean EOW necessarily.
Talk to your ex and find a compromise.
What about EOW but with you taking dcs for the interveningThursday evening or overnight. Or you doing the pick ups and drop offs for eldest daughter.
Can you change your working hours to do a full week over four days? Eventually your ex will want more time for herself each week, to go to the gym or have an evening out so offering to flex will help maintain a good co-parenting relationship and mean you see your kids as much as possible.
This isn’t a one off decision, what works this year may need to change next year so keep talking to your ex and being as supportive as possible.

Thanks for the responses!

@NellMangel & @Kingsclerelass: I'm about 20 minutes away - my ex-home is in a very rural location, so necessity (ie. an affordable flat) meant I had to go to the nearest market town. In some ways it could be a lot worse though! We're selling the house and barely have money for two households, let alone three (since STBXW is a stay-at-home mum and is insisting on staying so due to greater need to focus on kids after split).

You're correct that work is the main complication. I'm full-time. Employer is flexible however due to STBXW's career situation (or lack of) I need to work every hour I can get. I have an hour commute which means doing school pick-ups is nigh impossible unless I work from home. My boss is sceptical about such things but has permitted me one day a week. Drop-offs in the morning are doable, however.

I've suggested one mid-week sleepover a week which STBXW is considering. I'd like more, but I worry about them having to boomerang between households during a school week. I'm worried even the one might be too much.

How old are your children?

And how would you make 50/50 work in school holidays and when they’re ill and can’t attend school, and the like? My children have friends who are with each parent half the time, but it always seems to be in the situations where both parents were already self-employed and flexible before they split up, so already established looking after the kids half the time (including holidays).

It’s not as stark as 50/50 or EOW though. There’s absolutely loads of middle-ground in between. (Again though, you need to plan for when it’s ‘your’ night and a child is ill, or its school hols; you’ll have to take the day off work or hire childcare.)

Your boss is sceptical?! I'd point him/her to the ACAS website and your right to request flexible working!

@Somerville: one's just turned four, the other six. Don't worry, I realise completely 50:50 would be unrealistic! Just hoping to get as close as possible given circumstances, which I accept may be more 30:70. My main worry is whilst me and STBXW probably could make something work (especially as we're trying to keep things amicable), whilst it would work for us it might not work for the kids due to the disruption involved in going back and forth between us.

@VanGoghsDog: Tell me about it! He says past experience has shown him that staff tend to abuse home-working so prefers staff to be in the office as much as possible. Curiously enough, that rule doesn't apply to him. Guess he trusts himself enough...

Hmm not entirely fair to "insist" on staying a sahm post-split. Meanwhile you are not seeing your kids in order to provide for everyone.

Not sure what the answer is but it doesn't sit right.

I would agree, your Ex seems to be having her cake and eating it to a degree. You seem to be working all hours t continue to support her which means you can’t see your kids. Could you consider reducing your hours to be able to see the kids more with a commensurate drop in what you can contribute to the household and ask your ex to step up and contribute too? I know obv would be easier said than done if ex doesn’t have a career to step back into but it also seems unfair that you are continuing to be the sole breadwinner which is reducing your ability to maintain a solid presence for your kids.

Also, could you and your EX share the flat and the kids stay in the house with you swapping over?