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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

how do i finally go?

12 replies

somewherefarfaraway · 16/07/2018 08:44

NC as I don't want to be outed.
im sorry this may be long but I don't no where else to turn...
ok so I want to leave I hate my life only reason im still breathing is because I have amazing children who are my whole world. been with H for 12 years married for 6 - for 11 years hes put me down hit me told me im a shit mum no one would ever want me now Im a mum.. im a nervous wreck. but I did wrong I started to speak to another man - I kissed him - every since felt guilty I hate myself I shouldn't of ino I should of but he made me feel nice he made me smile he complemented me - I told H and cut all contact - now a year on its worse - he brings it up all the time when I explained its cos of the violence and the put downs he says he never has done this?
my family no the whole situation and beg me to leave they will help me and the kids - but im to scared to go he said because of what l did I will lose the kids the house - I have no savings I don't no what to do how do I go? should I go? I shouldn't of done what I did so should I stay and deal with it? its my fault - im sorry this is so long I failed.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 16/07/2018 08:46

Yes, you should go. No, you won't lose the kids, at the very least you'll get 50/50 shared care.

Could you make an inititial appointment to see a solicitor today and talk things through to them regarding your options. It's good that your family will help you - you'll need as much support as you can get.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 16/07/2018 08:50

I've just seen that he is saying you will lose the house too. That isn't true, you'll get at least 50%.

He alone doesn't get to say how things are going to be, it doesn't work like that. Either you both agree between you how you are going to divide the assets/childrens residence or the court decides.

MrsBertBibby · 16/07/2018 09:07

As a famiky solicitor, I can confirm that you could have shagged half the town and it would make no difference to either the child arrangements, or the division of finances.

If it ends up in court and he brings up that you kissed a boy (and you liked it) the Judge will find it hard to keep a straight face.

Let your family help you. This is no life for you, and it will be damaging your children. Good luck.

Original poster
somewherefarfaraway · 16/07/2018 09:24

Thank you for taking the time I o read and reply it means more than you will ever no... ino I need to go my head and heart knows this just I can't seem to get the power in me to do it. I'm petrified I'm scared of him what he may do to me the kids himself my family. I deserve what is coming to me it's all my fault.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 16/07/2018 09:28

It is not your fault and you do not deserve any punishment. He has brainwashed you into this attitude by his despicable behaviour.
You need help to rebuild your self esteem and confidence after he has done such a thorough number on destroying you. You are not the problem or the villain in this relationship- he is.

MrsBertBibby · 16/07/2018 09:30

No, none of this is your fault.

And if it were, it's irrelevant. You have to start from where you are now, which is a shit place.

Why do you think your husband is so desperate to keep you? If he really thinks You're so awful, and that if you go, you'll lose the house and kids to him, why wouldn't he be opening the door and ushering you out?

Because a) he likes having you there to kick, because it makes him feel good, and b) because he knows he is talking shit.

Can you get to see a solicitor? Can your family help with fees?

Original poster
somewherefarfaraway · 16/07/2018 09:37

he says im all he has - he does have family but not close. I never ever bring up what hes done I promised I wouldn't but he cant help bringing up what I have done and keeps going over it. il look in to local solicitors im sure my family will help my sister is well off and ino she would help me

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 16/07/2018 10:33

And why do you think he has no one else?

Because he can't bully and gaslight anyone else into putting up with his shit.

Pacificwander · 16/07/2018 11:48

You need to protect your own mental health and wellbeing. You can't with an abusive man because he has no one else is it any wonder he doesn't have anyone if this is the way he treats them.
You do not deserve any punishments this violent man dishes up. If you really believe it's your fault( I don't btw) then do this man a favour and get away from him.
But either away this marriage is toxic no good for you and dysfunctional. Time to free yourself from this torture.
Let go of any guilt piled on by an abused and leave him.
As you are married it is up to a judge to divide assets not your abuser he can make all the threats he wants which are designed to control you and keep you in his grasp.
Free you let him deal with his behaviour all by himself.

Rachaelmerry · 16/07/2018 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
somewherefarfaraway · 16/07/2018 14:34

Rachealmerry not sure what you put deleted before I could read?

Iv spoken to my parents there going to help me get the ball rolling.. I need to do this... I will do this... got a few different solicitors details so going to speak to them about next step etc

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 16/07/2018 14:48

It's just a spammer, OP.

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