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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Please help me

18 replies

QuickNC123 · 15/07/2018 23:31

I need to leave my awful husband.

How do I do it quickly? I have no money. No job. Nice savings. I’d look at privately renting with my children.

Where do I even begin? Can someone help?

OP posts:

eggncress · 15/07/2018 23:41

What does your h do that's awful?
Is he abusive?

Original poster

QuickNC123 · 15/07/2018 23:42

Just really need advice about leaving pls. Maybe how universal credit can work for me and a new place to rent?

And how on Earth I can get a car to get kids round. Blimey what a nightmare this is

OP posts:

Arum51 · 15/07/2018 23:53

Have a look at the coats protection league threads, there's a lot of advice on there about how to prepare for leaving, in a way that will protect you.

For advice on benefits, have a look at turn2us.org.uk . There's a benefits calculator on there which will tell you what you can get. Depending on where you live, universal credit may not be available yet.

As for rent, you need to check how much Housing Benefit you are entitled to in your area. Do that here: www.entitledto.co.uk/help/Local-Housing-Allowance-Rates

You can then look on Rightmove etc within your budget. Be warned that if you are in a popular area, rents may be higher than HB rates. You will then have to think hard about if you can afford this, or if you will have to move out of the area.

No idea about the car. Your children's father should contribute to their upkeep. Were you married? If so, you have a legal entitlement to his money.

eggncress · 15/07/2018 23:57

You should start by getting some legal advice to see where you stand. If you divorce/ separate you would entitled to a fair share of all marital assets ( half or more if the kids live with you ) ... the house , any savings, your husbands pension / savings if he has one.
Many solicitors offer first 30 min free. See more than one if 30 min isn’t enough to give you an idea of whee you stand.

I was asking if he’s abusive because if he is you can contact Women’s Aid who are really helpful and supportive and can give you the best advice if you are leaving an abusive situation. They also can help with finding accommodation or a safe refuge for you and the kids.

In regards to Universal Credit I’m afraid I don’t have any experience of it but you can get lots of info / advice from the Citiens Advice.

Would your husband consider leaving instead of you so you can stay put with the kids ? Whatever happens, if you split up he would have to provide financial support for the kids at least.

Itscurtainsforyou · 16/07/2018 00:12

Agree to contact women's aid if he is abusive in any way or a danger to you.

Also second reading the thread by Coats Protection League.

Why do you have to leave? Can you speak to a solicitor?

You shouldn't be left destitute, he should pay to support any children and any assets should be split.

Rachaelmerry · 16/07/2018 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cazzeroonee · 16/07/2018 16:49

I really need help with my narcassistic ex husband. Unfortunately Im still in the same house with our 17 yr old son who wants to live with me(Hes still at 6th form)
I cant afford my own place as wages wont cover 2 bed property. Narcassistic ex is a builder with 30 years in the business. Basically he's playing games to slow down everything. The house has to have a quality surveyor in now ( His valuations were £40,000 less than mine?)But he wants one that he is friends with as well as having his family friend as his solicitor...Ive told my solicitor Id rather pay someone from a different county to survey the property. The divorce and sale of property has taken 11 months as he is dragging it all out and wants to buy me out for less than 50%. Hes abussive to me and I have hours of recordings and a diary of my day to day life living with him.Hes even been abussive to 2 of my friends and sent solicitors letters to them saying if they talk about him in a bad manner the police will get involved. Even though I have proof of him being abussive to them in the first instance(I have police record)What can I do? I hate living like this but cant see a way out

Arum51 · 16/07/2018 20:50

@Cazzeroonee I have found, to my cost, that men dragging things out is the way this goes. Is he maybe trying to hang on until your son is 18, so he doesn't have to pay maintenance?

The law is clear here - you have a right to at least 50% of everything - the house, the business, his pension, whatever. Are you the "financially vulnerable partner"? Have you taken time out of your career to look after the kids? Have you worked part time to support him? This stuff is what courts take into account. He can't just try and give you less than 50%, and if you're "financially vulnerable", you get more.

The first issue for the courts is that you both have somewhere "suitable" to live post-divorce. There is no reason, even without your son, that you should be expected to move anywhere less than a 2 bed. If you are unable to afford this, then you need more of the capital (ie the price of the house) in order to be able to buy a house for yourself. Your solicitor should be helping you here! If it looks like you'll get a shit settlement, go to court. Judges are usually pretty stink eye at ex husbands who are trying to take wives for a ride.

Cazzeroonee · 16/07/2018 22:10

Thankyou,
Yes I have worked as a teaching assistant since my son was 2. Ive paid all bills as I got pregnant as soon as moving into the house. My ex pays the mortgage but it works out around the same amount as what I pay even though I have paid in the past when hes been short and paid the deposit. He forgets this. He has moved on with his girlfriend who he was seeing behind my back but denies it all. She even comes to the house at weekends when our son is there( i make myself scarce and stay at friends) Hes destroyed some of my things, accidentally on purpose damaged things, sent solicitors letters to 2 friends that he verbally abused( they cant talk about him or they will get a visit from the police) Hes even set things up and taken photos putting them on fb saying its all my doing. He says hes ready to put out A4 photos for a smear campaign. Hes just got the house insurance renewel for August (I pay it) and has taken my name off it so Im getting house insurance too to cover any of my belongings. He's a very nasty man. Ive been told by the police domestic abuse team he has many different sides to his personality. He basically wants me to end up with nothing. Everyone cant believe Im so patient but now I just dont think I can do it.

Arum51 · 16/07/2018 23:09

Can't you get an Occupation Order? Particularly as you have DV team involved?

Cazzeroonee · 18/07/2018 07:26

He has told me he will stop paying the mortgage if he moves out. I cant afford to pay both the mortgage and bills on my wage.

user546425732 · 18/07/2018 07:33

Yes I have worked as a teaching assistant since my son was 2. Ive paid all bills as I got pregnant as soon as moving into the house.

You've done well to do all of that on a TA wage.

Arum51 · 18/07/2018 10:04

He can't stop paying the mortgage. Firstly, it's his debt too, I presume? Secondly, you can get a maintenance order for the period of the divorce, until the financial order is settled.

Arum51 · 18/07/2018 10:05

Also, if banks know there is a divorce going on, they will help by allowing you to do stuff like only pay the interest.

Cazzeroonee · 18/07/2018 16:20

Thankyou. I didnt know that. I will look into that. I think that my main priority now is getting the quality surveyor in then selling. Unfortunately my solicitor has now told me we have to go with his solicitors choice even though I asked for someone out of town. I'm worried the surveyor will side with my ex as they probably know each other through working in the building business.

eggncress · 18/07/2018 16:38

Why do you have to go with his choice?
Can you tell your lawyer you’re not happy about it as you are likely to be disadvantaged ?
Some lawyers just want the easy money. Can you get advice from another solicitor who is more willing to fight for you?

Arum51 · 18/07/2018 22:20

Your solicitor should have told you things like this, particularly the maintenance order. It's what they're for! And no, there's no reason at all that you "have" to go with your husband's choice of surveyor, you are clear there is a potential conflict of interest here. Your solicitor should not be allowing any such thing. Get a new solicitor.

SteelMagnolia19 · 18/07/2018 22:53

There is a very good book available on amazon called "How to be a lady who leaves" by Emma Heptonstall which covers the steps you need to take to get out of an abusive relationship. It has some excellent points and is a great handbook you can refer to. I think the author used to be a divorce lawyer herself. Then find a good solicitor who will listen to your concerns as well as advise you on how you can pay for their services. Stay strong. Making the decision to leave is the hardest part.

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