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Not quite sure what's going on

3 replies

Susi38 · 09/07/2018 00:05

I met a man around 15 years ago. A wonderful man. Kind and loving, patient and warm, considerate and fun. He ticked all the boxes.

We dated for around four years, then he proposed and we were married about two years later after he came back from Afghanistan where he'd been serving with the army.

We had a great time together, had lots of adventures, and it culminated with him leaving the army after about 14 years service so he could spend more time with me and start a family, which we duly did with two happy children, now both in primary school. He moved straight into a well paying, challenging job that he loved.

Then it all started going a bit wrong though about maybe three years ago.

Everything just seemed to fizzle out?

He was still surprising me with new ideas on date night, we were still doing things together as a couple and a family, but he just didn't seem to have the same drive as he had before. We eventually stopped having sex and he put on a bit of weight. Nothing ridiculous, but when I had met him, he was super fit and I think about 13 stone? He's 6'1 though so it was well spaced weight. He got to about 16 stone (although you'd only ever know it if you saw him naked and he stopped holding in his stomach!) but he became fairly unhappy in general.

Then one day we split.

To say I was surprised was an understatement. I knew things were wrong, but not to this extent? He just told me one night that he couldn't do it any more. That he wasn't the man he used to be and he needed to find himself again.

I've never seen someone so distressed - he was a mess. He told the kids one day what was going to happen, and he seemed calmed and controlled, and even managed to make it a fun idea for the kids. Then they went off to their grandparents and I wasn't able to speak to him for the rest of the day as he was going around the house packing things up in an uncontrollable mess.

We have two houses, one was a rental, so he took that - we've split completely amicably and neither of us are losing financially from it.

At first I thought there must've been someone else. I've put on weight too. I used to be 11 and fit and now I'm about 15, but I'm tall so again, it's not that obvious I don't think? Sex had fallen off after the second kid in a big way, because he was always mad hungry for it. So yeah, I thought it was another woman.

Turns out it wasn't.

It wasn't anybody.

He's been gone about eight months now. The childcare works perfectly, and he is just amazing with them - we still go out as a family sometimes as well because that was an important part of all this.

This is the bit that really upsets me though - he's back to his old self. I mean, he looks amazing. He's running and swimming again, he's dropped back to his old weight and if anything looks trimmer and more toned than when we met.

He's working and then either going out for his fitness or going on walks. I've asked, and I believe him, and I've done a little bit of snooping, I admit, but there generally isn't anyone else in his life. He seems to be thriving on being alone again.

I don't get this. I feel like I've done something wrong or missed the signs that could've prevented this.

I've asked about if he thinks we could get back together but he's not willing to be drawn on it.

It's not even as if he's living the boys life - he's just working and training and seems a thousand times happier on his own.

Has anyone else ever had this? Was he always meant to be on his own or have I done something or should I have done something to avoid the flunk he seemed to fall into with me in the later years?

I am so confused.

I almost wish it was another woman, but it definitely isn't...

Any ideas?

OP posts:
justthisguy · 09/07/2018 03:00

How old is he?

If he's in his forties could be a midlife crisis/some existential angst going on. People who are depressed often project their pain onto those their closest to, thinking once their rid of them everything will change. Often it does, briefly, when they first feel that they are "free". But since the demons at the core haven't been dealt with and defeated, it seldom lasts.

Also, although my own split involved an OM, there was definitely an element where my W felt she only wanted to be accountable to herself. Sometimes missing the "single life" doesn't necessarily include cruising bars. It just means you know longer have to take another adult's need into consideration.

humblebumble · 09/07/2018 03:23

Although not exactly the same scenario.

My DH left us. I "knew" my DH was definitely not seeing anyone. He started looking healthier and better and just generally happier. We were separated for about 2 years. We were still mostly amicable.

We got back together and then he told me much much later he had been seeing someone else, he in fact had been living with her, taking trips with her, etc while playing happy divorced family with me.

We didn't work out long term there were too many other things. Too many lies as it turned out.

I hope it's different for you. However, it probably doesn't matter if there is someone else. I wish I had started to look out for myself and started putting myself as a priority as opposed to worrying and wanting things to work out with DH. I think you need to start thinking of your own happiness with out your ex

crimsonlake · 09/07/2018 08:37

Sounds like you have been very gracious and patient. Think now the time has come to find out where you stand regarding the future. Take control of your life and your happiness as it sounds like he is putting himself first.

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