Hi
This is the first time I am writing a post on here, but I need help with how I am feeling re: my recent separation.
I won't bore everyone with all the details, but I left my partner last week and I am really struggling. Why is it that even though he was abusive, controlling and often made me feel like crap, I can only focus on the good times?
I met him 6 years ago and made the mistake of inviting him to live at my home with myself and my children. He was great for the first 2 years, but he gradually become more and more controlling, not wanting to see friends, reading my texts, texting and calling me all the time etc etc etc. He would blame me for his aggressive behaviour and if I dared to challenge him, he would become angry and extremely scary. He would sometimes smash things and make threats, although he never hit me. He would also turn people against me and he is extremely popular at work (although my friends and family hate him). Over time, I learnt to comply with his needs and keep quiet and things became normal i suppose.
With the help of a friend, i recently plucked up the courage to leave him following a particularly nasty argument. It was probably the most difficult thing I have ever had to do and in a sense I know its the right thing to do. But, why do I feel so conflicted? I am struggling to focus on the bad times and finding myself remembering the times we had fun together. To be honest, I miss the company as I knew he would always be there. We did everything together!
I am worried that I will return to him. I know I have done the right thing, but I sometimes blame myself, thinking I could have done things differently or helped him. He's not entirely bad (he's had a broken past) and I worry about him. I don't want to go back to the threats, control and fear though!
Sorry if this is all too familiar, i need strength!