Advice needed - ex-P’s ongoing anger and it’s effect on children

[oceanofnoise]

I split from my ex-P just over a couple of years ago. Long term problems with the relationship and I finally mustered the courage to end it. It was my decision to leave but even he had acknowledged a few months before the split that we did not have a relationship any more.
Not long after we separated I started a new relationship with a man who I am still with and we are very happy together.
Ex-P has blamed DP for the split - convincing himself that he was the cause of the break-up (he had been a friend of us both for some years). This is not the case but my feeling is that it is easier for Ex-P to project all his anger onto DP and turn him into some kind of bogeyman - rather than accept any kind of responsibility for the breakdown of our relationship over the years.
Ex-P has not spoken to DP since our relationship began and will avoid any place where he knows he/we are going to be. This would not be such a problem were it not for the impact on our children. We all have children at the same school and ex-P will simply not attend any event if he knows we will also be there. He has previously told our children that he wants to avoid certain events/places because he does not want to see us. He has now missed a number of school events because of this.
Has anyone else experienced anything similar and have any advice on what to do. I feel that this is clearly damaging for the children who just want to feel that everything is ok between all of us.
I have tried to discuss this with ex-P but he won’t even talk about it. I have suggested some family counselling for us together to work it through but he also refuses to countenance this. (He always refused to try relationship counselling when we were together so this is not a huge surprise). In his view this is all a result of what I’ve done to him and I can’t seem to convince him that we need to get to a place where we’re thinking about what’s best for the children first as it always gets dragged back to it being my fault that we are where we are and that maybe the kids should understand why he’s so angry.

What you probably shouldn't have done was rush into a relationship with a mutual friend as soon as yours ended.

I've seen plenty of threads on here where it's the man who has done this and opinions are always that it was an affair and that was why the marriage broke up.

Did your new partner leave his wife around the same time?

I think rather than trying to deny your ex his quite understandable feelings of not wanting to be around the pair of you, you would be better to dial your relationship back a bit.

I speak as someone who got together with someone quickly after a relationship ended. However he wasn't a mutual friend and I realised that my ex would struggle with it (as it was my decision to split) so I kept him well out of the way of my ex and kids which worked perfectly well and did no harm to my DC.

It's easy for you to think that your ex should get over it for the sake of the children because you're the one in a relationship with a mutual friend which probably hurts much more than if your dp had been a stranger. I'm not saying that you shouldn't have left your ex but can't you understand why your ex doesn't want to see you and him?

If ex attended school functions, there would be at least an obvious atmosphere that the kids would sense and witness. You could say that was more damaging than ex ditching school events altogether because it would put the kids in the middle.

What events did ex previously attend? Are some (like plays) on more than one night? You and your dp could attend one night and he could attend another? Or you could tactfully not attend some events?

I can understand it of course - and we generally are not around him at all and keep well out of the way. There are events on more than one night - and that works - but occasionally there aren’t and that involves someone not going although I take your point about kids picking up on atmosphere which would not be good either.
I guess I just hoped that two years down the line we might be able to start to think about a more constructive way forward. But maybe it is going to take a lot longer than that.

I think that there's no set period for someone to get over a major event like this. Based on what I read on here, the other person getting a partner helps soften the blow (or ramps up the animosity)

From what I have observed, most school events aren't attended by both parents because of limited annual leave and I have read on here that many teachers will see divorced parents separately for Parents Evening.

Is it only your new partner he won't tolerate, or you too?

I would suspect that he would have found some other thing to be a self pitying drama queen about if you had behaved differently, tbh. So I wouldn't beat yourself up too much.

Hopefully he'll be over himself by the time the kids are getting married or graduating.

He’s just about ok with me on my own but not with me and Dp/Dp on his own.

An example is that DS has an upcoming sporting event that I cannot attend because of a work commitment I can’t get out of. DP is going to watch his DD. Ex-P won’t go and watch our DS because DP will be there. So that means it’s up to my DP to support his child and mine - which he’s happy to do but I feel bad for DS as ex-P would be free to attend if he could bring himself to. We live in a sizeable town so there will be loads of other parents there and it would be easy to steer clear of one another.

I guess I understand that he is angry and upset but I don’t see a shred of movement from him towards dealing with it since day 1 - and worry for that reason that it will go on to graduation or marriage or beyond...

A big part of the reason we broke up was that he would always find a way to blame anything that was not going well for him or us as a family on me. And was also usually unwilling to really talk about any difficulties in any meaningful way (see point about never wanting to try counselling). So I fear that this will just go on and on and would like to try and think of some way to make it better if possible for the kids’ sake.

I’d be quite happy to give him all the space he wanted if it weren’t for them.

I read your update with interest, Ocean. So would I be right in assuming that your current partner was part of the failure of your previous relationship? Because if so, your Ex's feelings are not surprising. If your DP is a mutual friend, of course he feels betrayed.

Think yourself lucky. In a similar situation at my school the deserted parent did go to everything the new couple did. The playground then had to witness her DC entering into fights with the OM's DC on the basis that hers felt the new man's DC had stolen their dad. Really livened up fêtes.

Joking aside, all 6 of the DC involved were damaged by having to share the same school. They had no behavioural problems until their security was ripped from under their feet.

Please see original post - thanks

Sorry, I thought it was clear from that that new partner was not connected with breakdown of original relationship. And my last post explained what the reason/s for that breakdown was...

Our kids all get on well so no worries there thankfully

I think it sounds like an excuse for Ex P to play the victim and not be as involved with the DC without taking the blame. Let him crack on with it

Well, you can't change his behaviour. Only your response.

Maybe you need to stop rewarding his behaviour with deference to his hurt feelings.

If you stop reacting to his frankly childish behaviour (and his appalling conduct in actually telling the kids) then it may become less enjoyable for him to nurse his anger in this way.

How old are your kids, and what do they make of this?

Glad to hear all the DC get on well. The situation I described was so very bad for the DC.

Given that your Ex genuinely has no reason to believe that your relationship with him broke down over your new DP, I'm not sure what you can do about it, especially if he won't discuss it. Time, the great healer, may be your only answer, though perhaps another mutual friend would be able to gently try to break the stalemate.

And tbh, so what if your new bloke had been an affair? He's a parent, he just has to get his shit together and start being a proper dad.

When you have kids, you give a huge hostage to fortune. You give up the right to indulge your bad feelings, even your really bloody justifiable ones, at the expense of theirs.

Kids are primary school age.
They will say to me that Ex does not want to see me and DP together - and that there are some places he won’t take them in case he bumps into us. I know they are upset they can’t go to one or two places they’d like to (Places where we wouldn’t be anyway). I also know that my eldest feels sorry for Ex as he has told me so. Otherwise the kids seem generally ok and seem happy with me and DP - but I wish they were not actively drawn into it by Ex.

I have thought about trying to involve a friend or family member to speak to Ex but not sure how they’d respond to me trying to involve them - I think he has definitely portrayed me as the bad guy. It may be worth a try though if he won’t speak to me or a counsellor.

It’s difficult not to react at all and just carry on as normal as I’m trying to be sensitive to the fact it can’t be easy for him - but I think that I’d be damned whatever I did tbh . For example with the situation above I would prob just say to DS that Ex can’t go because of work, to avoid him having to hear that ex won’t go because of me and DP. But am aware this is letting ex off the hook in terms of taking responsibility for his own behaviour.

I think you need to tell your DC that Daddy is being silly and unkind not going to x y z, that Daddy agreed he wanted your marriage to end and he dates other ladies just like you dated x.

Don't let your DC be brainwashed by your ex, it is not their job to look after his emotional needs. You tell them age appropriate truth.

You could ask them "why do you think Daddy is jealous?" Children are perceptive and need the opportunity to voice/express what they think is going on

I have thought about trying to involve a friend or family member to speak to Ex but not sure how they’d respond to me trying to involve them - I think he has definitely portrayed me as the bad guy. It may be worth a try though if he won’t speak to me or a counsellor.

Stop trying to fix him. You can't, and you are feeding the monster every time you do it.

Just live your life.

Are you ‘together’ at school events or do you and DP attend separately with your children? If you arrive together, sit together etc then I think he could be finding that really painful.

To put myself in his shoes, if I broke up with DH and he then got together with a school mum I would find that utterly humiliating.

I think you need to tell your DC that Daddy is being silly and unkind not going to x y z, that Daddy agreed he wanted your marriage to end and he dates other ladies just like you dated x.

^^ I absolutely think this is the wrong thing to do!!! Leave the guy to cope with everything that's happened without turning his own kids against him! He's not poisoning them against her!

Time is a healer!