Advice on finances and child maintenance needed following separation

[ScandiCinnamon]

Hello all. Was hoping for some advice and you lovely lot on here tend to come with the best of the stuff. I am approaching separation. My OH and I have been eh were together for nearly 12 years. Not married. He never wanted to. Two DD’s in primary school. No other offspring so just the two we have together. To cut a long story short-er the relationship has been abusive (not physically but the psychological abuse and control nearly sent me mad) and enough is enough. I am so much stronger now and The DD’s should not grow up like that. It is unhealthy and toxic. So. I have called time. The DD’s do not know yet. He sees no hurry in telling them ………but also, I do realise we need to get a bit further down the process with the how/where/who live where as they will have questions we will not be able to answer just yet.

We both own the property jointly. I am 100% certain of that. Obviously not being married I realise I have no other financial rights than my share in the property and child maintenance from him.

Now, the ‘thing’ is that I, like so many others; put my career on hold whilst he earned £80k/ year. I had a very low paid part time job the last four years, which basically paid for my travel to/from the actual job and my mobile bill etc. I was not able to put anything aside. However, I thought having some running experience on the old CV was worth it. Our finances are not shared. He was recently made redundant but have landed another job straight away. So now he has another high paying job coming his way and a £70k pay-out in the bank.

I hope he will see the sense to move out without too much fighting. I would prefer for the girls and I to stay in the property, as I have been the main carer always. So see no reason for me not to be the ‘resident parent’ (but of course they will have 2-3 nights a week with their dad). We live opposite their school. Youngest DD has another three years left there. I can’t buy him out, but he would obviously retain his share of the property and therefore his investment.

I now have managed to get a decent full time job (only a one year maternity contract) but looking at the finances I would after paying the mortgage, food and running costs be left with nothing at the end of each month. That is taking my salary into consideration and including the (minimum) maintenance he would have to pay.

In regard to child maintenance does the child care costs have to be taken out of that too? Could I request that he contributes towards the mortgage too, as he would get 50% of the equity after it was sold. Also, I fully expect him to be coming to the house regularly as we have a garage that all his toys tools he houses there?

We also have a hefty overdraft of about £5-£6k. He could easily pay that off with his pay out. It really bugs me so that he would sit their with his money bags and pension savings whilst I struggle to pay off half of it.

Anyway. Sorry for rant.

[SusanDelfino]

You can try and negotiate these things but I don't think he has an obligation. He has to pay for childcare on his days though. You also don't have an automatic right to stay in the house if he doesn't agree and insists on it being sold now.

[Sistersofmercy101]

Please reconsider your vulnerable children spending 2-3 nights a week in the sole care of an emotionally abusive person.
I realise that you think "oh they'll be fine " but you personally know from experience what being the recipient of this abusive behaviour is like - don't put them in that situation.
See a solicitor /c.a.b about an occupation order regarding you and the dc staying put in their family home with their main carer -you.
Be very clear and honest about the emotional and psychological abusethat you were subject to - don't allow your soon to be expected change the story into "oh it was all her -I'm faultless " start a cms claim ASAP because it takes a while and don't fall for the "but we'll sort it out between us " line this will leave you vulnerable to financial abuse.

Good luck

[Sistersofmercy101]

Does your Dr /gp have info knowledge of the psychological abuse that occurred - did you discuss it with any authority? If so then it's important to have this record. Be aware (just in case) that psychological abusers can escalate their behaviour when their partner attempts to separate from them. I'd look into (just to be prepared) a non-molestation order.

[ScandiCinnamon]

Thanks all.
Yes there are records of the abuse. My psychologist has reams of it.

[Xenia]

I think the Children Act might give some rights for you to stay even if you cannot afford to buy out his share of the equity but don't bank on it. I suspect in your new job you may not have enough income to take over the mortgage alone 3 or 4 x salary but if you do then you could get him off the mortgage so he can buy a home for himself which is just as much his right as yours which will be why he won't be keen to stay on this mortgage as it stops him buying a new home. May be you have a parent who could go on your mortgage as a guarantor and get your partner off to avoid the house being sold. (Next time with a man never go part time and always work full time and never give up work for a man - we see it time and again - women losing out big time because they went part time)