Separation/divorce - scared to take the leap or something left fighting for?

[Liss86]

I really could use someone's help.

My husband and I had been married for nearly 3 years (together for 8 years in total). We were never passionate, I although I loved and cared about him, and we were starting a family, intimacy wise it just wasn't there. There was no spark or passion. However we were comfortable and secure.

But our world was ripped apart when my best friend accused my husband of sexual assault. Her word against his, no reason to lie, and both swearing the were telling the truth. I will never know what happened.

I couldn't cope with the strain and sheer pain of it, and I threw myself into my work, where I became close with another man, and whilst my husband and I have been separated we were together, with just a natural chemistry and passion.

My husband and I have been estranged for about 6 months or so he is still adamant we could work and he wants us to try again. I'm no longer with the other man as I can't bring myself to run off into the sunset with him whilst I'm still married - it's not fair on either of them, but I do genuinely love him, so how on earth can I try and reunite with my husband?

I don't know whether my hesitancy for divorce from my husband is just fear, or if there is something worth saving. How can I fight for my marriage when I am in love with someone else?

From reading the above it seems as though there are bits of what’s happened missing.

Did anything happen with the accusation? I myself would not be able to be around someone I believed could do that, did anything happen from it?

It is forgivable running away from problems short term however it is how you deal with it afterwards. You have said you started seeing another man. How long had you been separated before this started?
Struggling and not being able to cope is understandable but to cope you threw yourself into other things. This sounds as though you abandoned you husband? Rather than being there and supporting each other? Did you start getting close before being separated?

From experience I can say that the passion from someone new that comes from running away from another problem is always strong and seems unbreakable. It becomes a crutch to happiness and a drug that is difficult to pull away from. Especially after being in a relationship for 8 years that pull of something different and more is difficult even when things are going well in a relationship.

How are things with your husband now? Have you spent time with him in the last 6 months? It seems strange he would be adamant there could be the ability to work if you have been keeping such a distance from him? That does show a strong loyalty from him though I cant imagine my hubby would do the same.

You have ended it with the other man. The way you have phrased it indicates that there is still enough for a marriage to be based on. If you had been truly separated and didn't have the right feelings for the hubby you would not have ended it with the other man.
The reasoning of why you ended it with the other man that of being married is not very valid as from your own admission you were perfectly happy to be with the other man whilst being married so it would not be enough to stop you going into the sunset. It sounds as though your subconscious has kicked in and realised its not right.

If you are having a hesitancy for divorce it would suggest that there is enough there to stay and try for a marriage. There is nothing worse than a year down the line regretting the decision that is impossible to go back on. If you have managed to end it with the other man that is the strongest indicator of there being something worth fighting for. You need to remove yourself from the others mans life firstly (if at all possible).

Then you should look back on your relationship with your hubby think of all the good things that were in that relationship. To be together 8 years means there must have been something big enough there especially if you were looking to start a family.
Lastly take a page out of you own book and throw yourself into something else (not the other man) that can be new activities that you could do with the hubby, it could be going back to old things you used to do which are key parts of your life. Doing things with your hubby that you have in common that maybe bought you together initially.

Fighting is a lot harder than running away into the sunset. It appears you have taken the first step now you just need to follow though. The love you have for the other man is strong I am sure but from what you have said it all started when you ran away from other problems. That unfortunately makes it stronger for reasons stated above (or at least seems stronger) as with any relationship though spending time away form that person. removing yourself form their lives and keeping distance help to dull the pain of that love to a point where it will go. This may also be best for the other man as any relationship founded in that way is never healthy long term.

The fact you have posted the above indicates there is something that is worth fighting for. The other side of this however is it seems you dont want to put any effort into trying as posting here is almost an indication you would like myself and others say move on.

From your whole post it indicates a sense of entitlement you seem to expect to be able to jump around and to take whatever you want but not give anything back. A relationship and marriage is not like that.

If your husband is still there (which I cant believe he is after going through the above) then its crazy not to fight for your marriage. Fight by removing the other man from your life and trusting in your husband as he sounds like a good guy to still be there for you.

It sounds as though you have problems to sort out with your husband but it does sound as though there is something to fight for.

There isn't always passion in a relationship. However I would say there must have been something there at the start for you to become so close.

Myself and DH had not had any passion in our relationship for years however we have such a close bond and life together (enjoy the same things and love the same lifestyle)

I was swayed at one point by another and very nearly left DH but always in the back of my mind was what I would lose. I weighed up my decision and decided that even though I had feelings for another what I had with DH was more secure and there was something between us that I couldn't shake.

It was genuinely the most difficult time to go through.

Looking back now I cant believe I thought about leaving as we now have a lovely daughter and DH is such a brilliant father. I am genuinely happy and have also found that after making that decision to stay feelings only grew for DH. We have in the time since only improved and a desire has grown.

hope that helps

Thank you for your reply, and understanding. It really meant a lot someone did

BlueFairy thank you for the time you took to reply. It's very generous of you. Just in respect of what you asked about the allegation. I didn't elaborate too much on it as I genuinely will never know what happened. The police investigated and said there was nothing they could do, no evidence one way or the other so the case was dropped. I have thought and rethought and poked holes in my friend's account a thousand times in my head, but she really wouldn't have reason to lie. The only assumption I have is that she dreamed it (she was sleeping out our house after a party, drunk). My gut instinct when I first heard is was mixed though, although in my head I thought there was no way my husband could have done it, my initial heart felt reaction was he might have.

I couldn't shake it, knowing that I know our sex life wasn't anything great, maybe I'd deprived him so much he felt he to look elsewhere. I really don't know.

It seems you have a lot of demons within yourself at the moment which may not be helping your thoughts.

The police is a serious matter however I would suggest that if they have dropped the case they wouldn't do so for no reason. There must be a sufficient reason to not take it any further as a Sexual Assault is not just a minor thing.

Have you thought that there may be a reason you are unaware of, something silly such as jealousy? Attention? To get your attention? Maybe even that they had feeling for you?
It may be better to look at how the girl was after the action did she behave the same or differently to both of you? I would expect that any ties were cut?

If she was drunk then it could be that simple.

I personally believe if my husband had been cleared (dropping a case is the same thing) then that would be enough as having a friend in the police force I know how they deal with things.

I cant say I have had a similar experience but I can also imagine that if my Husband was accused I too may react in that way. When someone says something against your partner there will always be that seed of doubt that is there from the start. A part of you will automatically try to find reasons to justify why what someone says is true as we never want to believe someone is lying. We all automatically do this when in an argument to be able to pre-empt any response. With something like this I can only imagine the effect it would have on you.

You seem to be concentrating heavily on your sex life which I suspect may be due to time spent with the other man as that would be a fresh sexual experience. This may cloud your judgement but only you can tell that.

I would say that if your husband is still hanging around then you concerns about being sex deprived may not be justified. If he was a sexually driven person or your relationship was just about sex then I would expect him to have moved on.

I think your trust has gone. I would divorce.

If your friend didn't have any reason to lie - and you doubt him even 1% that would be it for me.

Plenty of friend's husband make passes, one did so with his wife breastfeeding their 2 day old daughter in the next room. It's horrible to confront the wife -and you might not be believed. In this case your best friend or husband -it's a tough call. I don't envy you.

In honesty so much about my friend's account didn't add up. She even behaved as if nothing had happened for several weeks after the event, socialising and seeing us BOTH, even though she knew she had already gone to the police and formally accused him. She said she wanted us to be able to get past it, remain friends, she even kept me as her bridesmaid (the most painful thing I have ever had to do) because she said she didn't want it to come between us. I don't know why on earth I did,I was just trying to do the right thing. But what person accuses someone to the police because of the alleged severity of it, then expects to be able to remain friends? Her now husband forbade my husband to come to the wedding but she said she would have coped with him being there. It doesn't add up.

It does sound like trust may be gone. However that doesn't mean end it like that. If people finished relationships every time trust wavered there would be no one married.

Was this just a pass or something else? Are you still friends with the woman?

If the police have dropped I would lean on that fact. Trust can be rebuilt and that could be a first step. Its not an easy choice though.

If a lot of the account didnt add up that is a blaring signal.

Especially based on the behavior after which you have mentioned. I could understand still being friends with you however to act as nothing had happened with your husband is a different matter. To even say they would have them at the wedding is just crazy.

I cant imagine how that felt being a bridesmaid in that circumstance.

It sounds like she may have made the accusation for some reason or other then taken it too far to then be stuck in a position where she couldnt take it back.

If someone had sexually assaulted me the last thing i would want is to be around that person ever again. I would cut off their balls.

So instead of being there to support your husband you ran off and started seeing another man. I don't know how you can look at yourself in the mirror. That's very low just leaving your husband to deal with allegations and issues on their own whilst you are on a jolly with another man.

You seem to have run away from a problem into the arms of someone else which has now made a bigger problem.

If you husband is still offering to be there you should try with him. Just by still being there he has shown that he truly cares for you. I
A relationship based on running away is never going to be a strong relationship. Trust issues will be there from the start and will only grow. Also the things that pulled you there will squander away as the "trigger" your running away will also go.

If you are still questioning being with your husband then that should mean something to you.

You are probably so deep into whatever you have had with the other man that it's taken parts of yourself away. Posting here is a sign of how desperate you must be.

If your marriage was ok before you have no reason to not continue. It does seem like you are being selfish and want everything at the cost of in this case someone who you married and would have made vows too.

What does your conscience say.
Can you live knowing you walked away from someone who cares in that way and you made vows too.

Seems like you need to decide what kind of person you want to be

I think you'd be setting yourself up for a pretty miserable few years if you got back together.

You'd always be wondering whether he was guilty.
He'd be pretty eaten up about your affair.
You aren't over OM.

Has disaster written all over it.

If the police have dropped it then the husband didn't do it not sure if you read above posts