I've been deliberating on whether to write this as it feels like an admission that my marriage is over... But here goes...
A year ago I separated from my wife.
We were together 13 years and in the beginning there were alcohol issues with us both as I was trying to keep up with her drinking, plus she was 18 I was 23...i thought it was normal. She got pregnant 2.5 years into the turbulent relationship. She always said that if she ever got pregnant she would never have an abortion cos she would kill herself if she did. I hit the bullet and despite not wanting a child, I didn't want her dead either (she has history of self harming too). So I said we need to keep it. About 6 months after our sons birth I finally decided to stop drinking, but she carried on. She got pregnant 4 years later and was so happy but I was terrified as the last pregnancy was horrible and the after effects were that once our son was born and she couldn't breastfeed, she would go out every night drinking and i was home alone, except at weekends where she would ask me to give her a nice weekend to put her in a good mind for the week... And I did. I tried so much and everything but It never worked and happened for the full 4 years between pregnancies
The drinking continued all the way to the point of me walking out last year... I left because all the research I had done, all the councilling I found her, all the councillors I spoke to, the social services who got involved because of incidents happen because of drink, all said she needs to hit rock bottom to get back up... A wake up call.
I thought, after years of being lied to, cheated on, hit, called names, cleaning up the blood of her self harming, our son hearing the screaming from her and falling down stairs drunk, that I need to stop this to help her see she will lose her family. So I left and said I want a divorce.
She tried to take an overdose. She didn't fight for me. She met a guy. Even though saying no man can come close to me, or touch her as the though makes her sick. Oddly her phone was broke and I offered to fix it and I found a video of them in a hotel together. It killed me. 3 months later when I moved into my flat, the day I moved in she said she loves me and wants me back.. I said let me move in and we can discuss after. I asked if she met this guy the night I moved in she said yes but for 20 minutes and the went home and cried.
I found out a month later that she went to a hotel for the weekend with him the night she said she loved me and wanted me back. It was pain I cannot describe. When I asked why she did it she said she didn't want to hurt his feelings. Despite this I tried to move on. We have been trying on and off since October 2017 and it's not working.
She has incredible anger issues and doesn't let go of the things people have done to hurt her. My parents stopped talking to her at my request, she is furious with them for it. Saying they abandoned her. Forgetting that my parents watched me screaming in agony at her actions for 4 months whilst I lived with her. My mum has reached out to say sorry but my wife feels she should make no apology as I should always defend her 100%.
Ive not been perfect, I tried to support her. When I stopped drinking and smoking to be the best for my son, I discovered weights. Seeing the benefits, and being a person who, when they get passionate it shows, I encouraged her for fitness to help encourage her really low self esteem and depression issues. I see now it was wrong and she said she just wanted me to lover her for who she was... But how can I show love to a person who walks out on me night after night, cheats, lies, steals, name calls, wrecks a family for 9 years? I was desperate to love her. I tried to give her everything. Create a album of all the amazing things she has done and all the amazing things she is capable of... So many things... Too many to list.
Anyway, there were 2 nights where the violence and name calling was so bad I snapped and told her to f off and called her a fat b... I felt awful. She is now insisting that I did it constantly and I'm the reason she hates herself (that and because 2 days after we very first got together she asked me what my favourite thing on a woman was and, being a naive kid, I said a firm stomach... That apparently started her journey to self hatred). I understand in her world me pushing exercise is the same thing as calling her fat.
Because of the lies (who she was with, where she was, about having cancer) and cheating I find it hard to trust her. I have checked her emails and phone and always found something. A couple of weeks ago I checked her dating site and found she was back on it and giving her number out to guys. It was so painful. She said it was because she wanted to feel special and attractive... My argument is you put the effort into your husband or marriage of you want it to work.
My issue is I love her so much the pain is killing me. The thought of having a separated family breaks my heart. I literally love her so so much. She put some demands on me of what she needed to make us work (they revolved around her still drinking and making sure she has a life away from us) I said OK, what will you do for me... She said don't bother and didn't see that she should do anything for me.
Should I just let this go and deal with the pain and the subsequent pain of her seeing other guys? It hurts me so much to know she is suffering or alone or having a bad day and I can't be there. Every time she is down she pushes me away and ignores me... I freak out because I think she is chatting to guys. She gets angry saying I should trust her... And so on.
We love each other. I think I love her on a far different level. So it's such a waste. And when we're good it's amazing. There is just 2 people in her (as she describes) and the bad one is reserved for me. Maybe I am the issue all along? And if I love her I should let her go? Please someone help me.
I'm fully aware this is my side and there is always 2 sides. I can be quite black and white and that didn't help. But I tried to understand and support her. I still do now. Only last night I spent 1 hour listening to her struggles at work only for her to end up shouting at me saying I don't know what loneliness is. I do.
She has really low self esteem and depression and mental health issues caused by issues in her childhood ... Drinking makes it worse, as does her smoking and her very poor diet and the zero exercise she does. I'm scared for her. I'm scared I'm the problem. I'm terrified ill lose my best friend and the love of my life... What do I do? I feel so sorry for her. Will her life be better without me?
Sorry for the poor spelling and grammar... Wrote this on my phone