Decree absolute through. Really struggling

[Yummytummy123]

Hi am feeling absolutely distraught. Was with ex for nearly 20 years met very young. Marriage was fine at first. However he became very abusive physically and mentally and then left and then a month later ow was pregnant. Anyway after a horrendously long court battle lasting 3 and a half years due to his sheer refusal to cooperate with anything it's all over.

But having received decree in post I feel absolutely sick. Even after all he's done my heart still can't seem to accept that's it. Even though he has a new life new kids to replace the kids we had and it's like we never existed. I'm stuck now trying to sell our house and have had difficulties finding a job. Not been able to find another relationship but that's not a priority for now

I don't know I feel so so upset and keep remembering happy times

How can I get over this? Will I ever get over It? I love/ loved him so much

Bumping anyone please

Hi Yummytummy

I am sorry you feel so sad. I haven’t received my absolute yet (or even nisi), but I have heard that a lot of people feel sad when it happens. I am dreading it a little bit, but then I think fuck it, and sod him . Excuse the swearing.

What has got me through so far is anger (at some of my ex’s emotional abuse), and a feeling of defiance. Can you access that? Anger is a great motivator, and your ex sounds really cruel.

Or another tip that someone gave me - every time you feel your focus turning to him, shine a light on yourself and what you want in your life. You are the star of your own show and he, hopefully, can’t hurt you any more.

@Yummytummy123 you invested your life, emotionally, physically, financially, absolutely in something that has been taken away, through no fault of your own. I would imagine you've been having to contain a lot of your grief over this while you use your energy to get through the painful divorce process. You're probably feeling all that now that it's over, and it's probably all part of the process

I'm not yet there, just at the beginning. Sometimes I feel like I could cry a river but at the moment there is such a huge mountain to climb that I can't afford to spend vital resources of energy on crying or feeling anything right now. I think when I reach the end the tears will come in abundance.

I really like this advice:

"every time you feel your focus turning to him, shine a light on yourself and what you want in your life. You are the star of your own show and he, hopefully, can’t hurt you any more."

Thankyou for your replies. I will try to shine a light on myself. It's so tough though. I can see it's not healthy for me to still be grieving but I can't really envisage a happy future just yet

If you have had a 3 year battle then you will feel depleted of energy.

Take time to know you got through the process and now is the start of your healing.
Find something that gives you peace, anything that helps, even if its deep breathing or a walk in the fresh air.
I used to drive to a scenic area and just sob, over time I could sit quietly and now I can sit there feeling serene.
It gets better each day but you have to believe it will get better.
How old are your dc?

Yummy, It's OK to be upset by this.

I've seen husbands and wives who have been desperate for divorce absolutely floored when we finally get them there. Grown men absolutely sobbing their hearts out in public. Women who have fought their way out of abuse absolutely inconsolable.

It's about letting go of dreams you had forgotten about in the whole divorce fight. It's about moving on (who hasn't shed a tear on leaving a house they were completely sick of?)

You'll get there, but it isn't a straight line from A to B, you'll have hills of happiness and valleys of mourning on the way. But they'll flatten out.

The decree is a sad thing and you should let yourself feel sad. The sadness will pass. But you are entitled to it for now. Do something nice. Is it sunny? Can you go for a walk and sit outside with a coffee?

Thankyou. I hope the sadness does pass but I can't imagine not feeling any sadness. Dc are 10 and 7 and are amazing they are the only thing that keeps me going and I think if not for them I wouldn't be here. I can see happiness in their future but not in mine. But I know I'm not the first or last to go through this and it's reassuring to know it's normal to feel sad