How do we separate??

[BigGrannyPants]

So I posted on WWYD when my relationship was in trouble. It has now ended. We didn't fall out, there is no OW/OM involved and despite the upset. We will remain friends. He says he doesn't love me anymore. I still love him which makes this so hard.

Anyway, the point of this thread is, we have 3 young kids together, mountains of debt. He works full time and I stay home with the kids. There is no scope for me to go back to work just now between childcare costs and my disability.

We are completely financially entwined, he wants to get a place near by but there is no financial viability for him to afford any place just now never mind near by. We live rent free in a relatives 2nd house. We pay all the bills/utilities/upkeep etc

How do we even start? We are both clueless and have no idea what to do.

So just really looking for tips/advice/experience from others.

I am very practical and deal with all our finances and house stuff so I suppose I'm in the best position to try and make plans. I don't think he really understands how impossible this will be.

The kids don't know yet, waiting til school is finished. But he works away a lot so it's easy to explain his absence.

He is currently staying at a relatives property which is on the market so this is definitely not a long term solution.

I'm so sorry to hear this, hugs to you.

Have you tried speaking to an attorney yet? There are often free 30 min initial sessions available.

Also, if he wants to leave / end the relationship than he needs to do the maths too. This shouldn't be all on you.

Thanks @RedSquirrelMoonlight I dear he will not manage these things and my main concern is making this as smooth as possible for the kids. I really have no idea where his head is at, but it's not here. I suppose eventually we will have to involve solicitors but I'm hoping to avoid that for as long as possible

Hi BigGranyPants,
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I went through a very similar experience 5 or so years ago so thought I’d make a few practical suggestions for how to start working this through:

Housing - I am really hoping that the house you’re living in is your relative’s, not his, and that you can stay there for stability for the kids (and because it’s free)?

Tax credits - google tax credit calculator, plug in your details as if you are single and living separately and see what you would be be entitled to. You would receive child benefit as well. If you are in a Universal Credit area it may be different.

Maintenance from your xh - google child maintenance calculator and find the official government calculator, plug in your ex’s salary details assuming you know them and see what maintenance he would need to pay you.

Debts - I think you said in your other thread he’d take these on?

You will then have a picture of what your income would be. Can you make it work? As for where he lives, he will need to see what he can afford after maintenance, and may have to stay with family or take a room in a shared house. In my case we stayed living together until he could afford to rent a flat so that he could have the children overnight, but it wasn’t pleasant.

It’s quite a jump to start thinking of your life and finances separately but it is the first step and at least you sound as though you are in control on that score. And don’t write off working forever, when you are in a better place mentally and physically, and the kids are older you will be able to reassess. Look after yourself for now. Xxx