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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Advice needed!

12 replies

Brokenh3art · 10/06/2018 08:19

Long time lurker first time poster, looking for some advice. Recently seperated from my partner of 10 years, we have children, youngest is just one. Seperated over trust issues, he has done a lot of things to arouse suspicion but I've never had any evidence anything physical has happened and of course he denies. The thing is, I miss him so much, for all his faults I do still miss and love him. At first he was asking to come back and I said no however as the weeks passed I changed my mind but during that time, he changed his. I have begged him to come back and try, I dont want the children growing up with a weekend dad. I've asked him most days to try and every day I'm met with how he'll think about it. Last night, I decided that I would make a tinder account and low and behold he is on there!!! I honestly felt sick to my stomach, all along he has said there is no one else and he wants to be on his own and have time for him to figure things out. He's said he's not interested in being with anyone else, so then why on earth is he on there?! Just before the split he had started a new job and the guy he was working with was constantly texting him, I know that on two of those occosaions it was about girls he had met online and slept with. I asked why would he think it acceptable to send pictures of these girls to now ExP when he was in a relationship with me. Now my mind is in overdrive thinking his friend from work and him are in it together, picking up girls to sleep with. I feel sick and empty and just don't know what to do. He doesn't know that I know yet but is due to come and see the children later today. So, how do I handle this?! I honestly can't believe the man I thought I would spend my life with has done this.

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Caribbeanyesplease · 10/06/2018 08:21

OP

You have very young children.

You recently separated, sounds like high drama, and now your opening up a tinder account.

Stop. Take stock. Forget about me. Forget about your sneaky ex. Just focus on you and your children.

Brokenh3art · 10/06/2018 08:27

Thanks for the reply. Opened up the tinder on the advice of a friend thinking it would give me something to do to take my mind of the situation. I am not interested in anyone else and am not looking to get involved with anyone. I have wanted to make this work so much. I am trying to concentrate on the kids but I'm consumed with sadness. I can't cope on my own, I don't have much support irl and don't know how I will do this without him. Sad

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Brokenh3art · 10/06/2018 08:46

Anyone else? Sad

He's due round in about an hour and I don't even know what to say to him or how I'm supposed to look him in the eye!

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mummyretired · 10/06/2018 08:53

Don't understand why you would open a Tinder account if you weren't at least thinking about meeting someone. If you aren't interested in anyone else how is Tinder going to take your mind off things?

Whatever he's done in the past, you can't go on there and then pretend to be shocked that your ex is there too. Sounds as if he has friends that would give the same advice yours did.

dogzdinner · 10/06/2018 08:58

How long have you been separated? The early days are unbelievably hard, but it does get easier and you will find the strength to get through it.

I would recommend that you try to avoid contact with him unless absolutely essential. It makes it easier to cope with the emotions

letsdolunch321 · 10/06/2018 09:01

His visit this morning - is it to see your dc? If so, leave him to entertain the dc. You have you time whilst he is there.

Brokenh3art · 10/06/2018 09:01

Honestly not looking to meet anyone else. I don't know, I just thought I'd have a look and see what the fuss was about? Didn't upload a picture or "like" anyone. Thought it would give me something to while away an hour of my time. I completely see where you are coming from though. I don't know why I'm so shocked he is on there, in the past I found out he was on another hook up site aimed at just meeting for casual sex. I suppose it's more the fact that he's been saying he still loves me and just needs time to think. This is such a mess. I know there is no going back now. But how do I cope on my own?! Oldest child has special needs and middle child also has health problems. I feel drained and just struggle through everyday. Also worried what he's now going to do in regards to cms. He is paying as he should (high earner) but has threatened on more than one occasion to get his employer to fiddle it so he can give less.

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Brokenh3art · 10/06/2018 09:04

Seperated just over 3 months and I'm still an absolute mess. Have my own mental health problems too and am currently awaiting a new medication, hoping that will help ease how I'm feeling. Yes to see the children. He either sees them here whilst I'm home or takes them for a day out - that I either go to (because the oldest refuses to go with him and I'm sick of being blamed and told I'm turning oldest dc against him) or I stay home with oldest and he takes younger two.

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dogzdinner · 10/06/2018 09:20

3 months is very early days.

Sounds like you have a lot of issues:
Grieving for your relationship
Tired from looking after your children
Worrying about the future

It's not surprising you feel overwhelmed.

The medication may help with some of your symptoms but you also need to address the reason for your mental health issues, which is the thoughts and feelings you are having. I'd suggest talking is a good place to start. Are you able to see a counsellor? Also, self care is important. If he's looking after the children you should take time for yourself to do whatever you feel you need. Whether that's sleeping, having a bath, exercising... Try to eat and drink well and get outside, it will all help.

Brokenh3art · 10/06/2018 09:36

Haven't spoken to anyone other than the GP who referred me onto the mental health team, being prescribed a new medication from a hospital consultant as over the years I have exhausted everything the GP can give. Have tried CBT in the past but didn't find that helpful. May mention counselling to the GP and see if that's something that can be arranged. Find it so hard to have "me" time as I always have atleast one child and if he has them here I can't relax and still end up running around and doing everything for them.

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dogzdinner · 10/06/2018 09:59

Sorry I didn't appreciate your mental health problems weren't something new.
Can't you go out when he's at your house with the kids?

Brokenh3art · 10/06/2018 10:01

Not really, unless I take the oldest. Oldest dc although he loves his dad doesn't want to spend time alone with him so will only see him if I am present. Tried talking to him about this but he becomes hysterical about it. He is quite attached to me.

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