How to tell DD's about separation and what questions to anticipate

[ScandiCinnamon]

Background. So, I have finally done it. After 12 years of an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship I have said to my DP that I want to separate. We are not married. (Something he always said would happen but then said it was just something he said to placate me )

Anyway. I have given it enough chances and tried and tried a tried some more. However, beside the abuse and control, which I have only in the last couple of years opened my eyes to see for what it is (despite friends and his family even pointing it out), it also takes two to make it work and he is not willing to. It is a dysfunctional relationship and he drinks too much. This is NOT the environment I want my children to grow up in or the type of role model I want to be to them.
So here we are today. 12 years later. Two DD's. One just turned 8 and the other one will be 10 in a couple of months.

DP and I still have talks to have and of course there are all the agreements to reach re our jointly owned property and who lives where, but we very soon need to tell the girls that we are no longer together as a couple, as we are now living in separate rooms in the house. What questions shall I anticipate they will ask? They expect it to happen I think. They have seen and heard arguments for a long time now. My heart is breaking for them, but I really don't want them to grow up in a toxic environment. Hopefully one day they will realise that.

Mine was 5 when we split up so at that time had fewer questions, she just wanted to know where she would live. She has asked more as she has got older and I tell her very little really and just repeat the mantra of daddy didn't want to live with mummy any more but he loves and misses you very much. This is not strictly true, but it is easier for her to understand.
She asked more questions about her father having girlfriends and has struggled hugely with that, which has been trickier!

My 8 & 10 yr old were upset the evening we told them. daughter grew into a teenager, flicked her hair and decided to “go to my room to be alone “ son reverted to toddler and curled up in a ball and cried. Next day son : “mummy, which car will you have, and which car will daddy have “ . daughter: “mummy if you have then cats then do you think daddy could get a dog? “ they will be stronger and more practical than you know. My Stbx was more upset than they were.
I think it is helpful if you can have done some of the working out where you are going to live before you tell them. Good luck.

They will be most converned with the practical arrangements ie who is living where and when will they see/overnight with the non resident parent, that school and pets won’t change etc etc etc

I’m also facing this. My girls are 11 and 13. Will prob say something along the lines of mum and dad aren’t getting on well enough to be living together anymore. I don’t want to use words like ‘dad doesn’t love mum any more but does love you etc’ we will obviously reassume them that both parents love them. It’s really a shit conversation which I am dreading.