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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Paying for higher cost items for older children

25 replies

brambee · 30/05/2018 15:29

I am currently going through a divorce after over 20 years of marriage. It was my instigation and I am relieved that the nightmare is over. Except it is not, because we have two children. One child is at University and the other is doing A levels. I receive maintenance for the school aged child, but none for the elder one, which is normal. However, stbxh will not pay more than I do for either child towards pocket money, clothes or even support for DS at university. His wage is very high: over 12 times mine. I retrained 4 years ago after being a stay at home mum, and now work.
Anyway, he has said he will buy the kids a car but only if I go 50:50 on the car insurance. I know this will be at lease a couple of thousand per child because I researched it to see if I could get my son on my car insurance. I decided I could not afford that as it would take me nearly 2 months wages to pay for it! I have told the kids I cannot afford 50:50 and this means they cannot have a car. I feel this is unfair on the children and makes me feel awful.
What do other people do about covering costs that are for children that you are not receiving any maintenance for? I think a percentage based on income would be more appropriate, but am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

ProudThrilledHappy · 30/05/2018 15:34

No advice but STBXH sounds like a dick and this is his way of still making your life miserable. Your dcs will work it out for themselves which of you is unreasonable

If DS really needs a car you could try buying a very cheap old motor for his first and getting only third party cover? Will be much lower but obvs in an accident his vehicle isnt covered

Original poster

brambee · 30/05/2018 16:04

Thanks Proud. In all my stressing, I had of course forgotten about just doing third party insurance! Worth investigating. My son passed his test over a year ago, first attempt. At that time my ex and I were still living in the family home (together but apart) and going through divorce mediation. My ex refused to pay for car insurance (all finances were then shared). My son has not driven since passing his test, apart from when I add him to my insurance for a week at a time so he can get some practice. Thing is, I have paid for this myself! I just think he needs to keep his driving skills up.
I think it might be worth going back to mediation about this. We did not really deal with how we would support the children past 18.

OP posts:

ProudThrilledHappy · 30/05/2018 16:16

Good luck op. When my parents divorced I was 19 and also at Uni. Dad was supposed to provide an agreed amount to help but at this point he had moved in with his current partner and pretty much checked out of his relationship with me emotionally so stopped contributing.

Since then it’s been nothing more than cards and a tenner for birthdays and Christmas. DM has helped as much as she could on a low income whenever I needed it.

I can assure you I worked out for myself which parent was the asshole and your ds will also see for himself what is happening here

Original poster

brambee · 30/05/2018 16:37

Thanks. Both kids still stay with their father when he is in the country, but are mostly with me. I try not to say anything against him, but it is difficult not to at times! He acts like the perfect father when others are around and it is 'on show'. However, he seems to enjoy making me miserable about the money situation. The best way to do that is through the children it would seem.
I am sorry to hear what happened to you. However, it seems your DM more than made up for it. It is not the money, but the care and love at the end of the day. (Although I think these men behave appallingly.)

OP posts:

polsha · 30/05/2018 16:45

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask you to pay half the insurance if he buys the car, however it's also not an essential item, no matter how you look at it.

ChishandFips33 · 30/05/2018 17:02

This sounds like my friends situation!

Doesn't seem fair but equally I wouldn't be expecting my parents to pay for this

This isn't a dig at your children by any means or an assumption that they are expecting you to pay, just a reflection of my experiences and the benefits I feel it brought/taught me

On the other hand, my first insurance was 'only' £500, albeit 20 yrs ago but not sure if proportional to today's extortionate figures

It sounds like you made the right decision to divorce!

I suppose your ex could argue he pays for things when they stay with him and doesn't ask for contribution from you.

Dermymc · 30/05/2018 18:04

It's a tough one. I'd tell your kids what he expects and be up front with them that you can't afford it. The kids are old enough to get a job and pay for some of the cost themselves.

Original poster

brambee · 30/05/2018 22:01

Thanks for your comments everyone. I never had a car from my parents, and would not have expected one. I also agree that it is not a necessity. I suppose it makes me feel bad when I can't contribute to their 'car fund.' I can of course give some money and it is all hypothetical until you have a car and get an insurance quote. I wonder if it is some ploy to make me look bad: I would get you a car but your mother won't go 50:50 on the insurance so it is her fault you don't have one.

I have been open with the kids and we will see what happens.

OP posts:

DorothyGarrod · 30/05/2018 22:07

We had a similar situation for DH with my DSD, as he is a paid far less than his ex. We ended up not doing joint anything for mum DSD. Eg, ex wanted to send DSD on a ‘holiday of a lifetime’ for her 21st - we could not afford to go half. So we gave DSD the choice of currency for spending money or a piece of jewellery and she chose the latter. We were honest about our finances and she understands. Her mum still paid for the holiday btw!

DorothyGarrod · 30/05/2018 22:08

DH is paid far less that is meant to read

DorothyGarrod · 30/05/2018 22:08

And ‘my DSD’ rather than mum DSD!

Berthatydfil · 30/05/2018 22:15

3rd party may not be cheaper,
My dd is doing a levels and is off to uni in September and is financing a (cheap) car herself by working as a cleaner in the local school.
Can your dc work ? Why do you and your ex have to fund the insurance? Why can’t your dc finance it ?
My dd has a small 10 year old car one owner and good mileage insurance was £800 with a black box.

MunchausensLovelyHorse · 30/05/2018 22:40

He earns x12 times what you earn? He does sound mean or manipulative (to me).

My parents were divorced but I could rely on them both - proportionality.

Post my divorce, my own adult DC know the same. My DP's adult DC know the same. Isn't that what parents want to do? Especially these days when costs of the things we took for granted - rents, mortgages, car insurance, trains - are so cripplingly expensive when young adults' wages are relatively depressed.

polsha · 30/05/2018 22:47

He earns x12 times what you earn? He does sound mean or manipulative (to me).

I don't know why the fact that he earns a big salary makes him mean or manipulative

MunchausensLovelyHorse · 30/05/2018 22:55

Because he won't contribute proportionately.

I do. My parents did.

AnnettePrice · 30/05/2018 22:56

OP, have a look at www.wake-smith.co.uk/news/children-off-to-university-how-it-affects-maintenance-and-ongoing-financial-support

polsha · 30/05/2018 22:57

munch

He is buying the car and asking OP to contribute to half the insurance just

MunchausensLovelyHorse · 30/05/2018 22:59

Yes I know.

polsha · 30/05/2018 23:04

So again, what is mean and manipulative?

He IS making a proportionate contribution.

MunchausensLovelyHorse · 30/05/2018 23:07

I've expressed an opinion, polsha, based on my family background and current practices. I explained the circs (as they apply to me). I'm really sorry if it has upset you.

polsha · 30/05/2018 23:11

Upset me? No. I just asked why you thought he was mean and manipulative just because his salary is higher.

Original poster

brambee · 31/05/2018 10:24

Interesting to read this through this morning. I do think stbxh is being generous to buy a car and on the face of it contributing to the insurance seems fair. I still think it should be proportional though. (The 12 x salary is not a mistake, it may now be more.) DS already has a part-time job to support him through university. He earns over the holidays and then uses that money to top up his loan for food etc. He has no spare to contribute to insurance and I also worry about running costs.
On the topic of stbxh being mean, my son currently gets a minimal loan due to his father's wage. However, his father pays him £50 a month, saying he 'doesn't need any more.' My son has changed his main parental home to me so he can access a bigger maintenance grant.
Having looked at the link given above, I think what it suggests is a really good idea. Pay the maintenance to the (university aged) child.

OP posts:

Oddbutnotodd · 31/05/2018 10:45

Those of you that think a much higher earning parent is not mean, in the above situation, needs to give their heads a wobble. (only ever heard that expression on here!)

There are so many threads about the richer partner just going off and not supporting their family. Just because the children are 18 doesn’t mean they won’t need some financial help, especially if they’re at university.

I think having your son as a named driver on your policy would be less expensive. Or would your ex pay for the insurance and you look for a really cheap car instead? There are loads of cheap cars around which are still good and safe to drive. Black boxes are a pain as there are restrictions on night driving.

lifebegins50 · 31/05/2018 17:25

Don't feel guilt at not affording insurance as many parents can't afford it.

Did you get a reasonable settlement in the divorce?

Original poster

brambee · 02/06/2018 17:01

Yes, my settlement is reasonable but not generous. I think my lawyers could have pushed for more but really I just wanted it to be over. It is a little over 50% to me, which stbxh thinks is grossly unfair of course. I have been though 'give me the receipts for everything you spend on the children and I will refund you, but I am not paying maintenance' and the subsequent acceptance of the fact that it doesn't work this way. (Luckily mediation put him right on all of this.)
Due to the assets in the marriage I have been able to buy my own place. He bought me out and kept the family home.
I think the weak part of the settlement is how we support the children during University. I cannot afford £1000 plus payments for non-essential items whereas he obviously can. We need to have a set agreement for this.

OP posts:

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