Can I actually do this ? No job nowhere to live..

[YesMrsLevinson]

My partner asked me to leave a few weeks ago but then said he didn't mean it. I don't have any security, youngest is 12 and what's to stop my partner chucking me out when she turns 16.

We're not married and house in his name, I already know I don't have a claim on anything. We don't have a joint account I have to ask for everything.
I stayed at home for many years because his shift pattern was crazy. I have applied for jobs but don't get very far as my I've not worked for so long.

I did get offered work doing support for adults but most of the contracts are full time days including weekends.
I will probably have to compromise on hours but I initially didn't want any unsocial hours because I have to take my daughter to a lot of dance classes. I've also been conditioned to be the one who has to be at home all the time.

I just thought I would be able to get something part time at the nearest hospital, even pushing the note trolley around but they wanted 3 years recent employment experience for that.

I know I could volunteer to get experience but I have done my share of that, I need to be earning.

I don't even know how much social housing is available nearby.

I really can't go on at home, he's always having digs about having being the one who works full time and the house being his. I just feel so useless right now.

I’d post this in aibu and you will get much quicker replies.
I say get out.
Get to the council for help with housing. Is he abusuve to you? Benefits will tide you until you find a job. It’s very hard with no specific career experience to get back into work. But you can. ExplAin your situation at an interview . Don’t be ashamed. Care work is a great place to start if looking to get into work quick. Find a pattern of hours you can do and put it on the application.

You can do this

Thanks for replying, no he's not abusive physically but is prone to gaslighting.

Please post in aibu and hopefully people with more helpful responses will get back to you x

You can do it!

Never give up !

Sounds like he is emotionally abusive !

There's lots of support for people in emotionally abusive relationships trying to leave, call women's aid

You can do it! Xx

Thanks for further replies. I haven't been brave enough to post in AIBU as over the years I have seen s posts where women are just repeatedly told how stupid they were to have children without getting married.

There was another post form a married mum who had been depressed and her husband left her. She was judged for not working.

I will be back to post updates. I haven't been to the housing office yet, I tried to apply online but it didn't load up properly on my phone.

@yesmrslevinson
I don’t think council housing will be a fast way to be housed, unless you make a homeless application as your partner has kicked you out? Or go to women’s aid first. Explain your situation and they may help push your housing application further.
Please keep posting

If you’ve been offered a full time job then take it and get the hell out of there. Your youngest is 12 so as long as they are sensible you shouldn’t need childcare if you work weekends. And I’m sure you can figure out a way to get DD to her dance classes if you’re working; public transport, older sibling, ask another parent for help with lifts, taxis, switch to classes at a more convenient time... don’t use that as a reason not to leave.

Please call women’s aid for advice and support. And keep posting, I’m sure some more knowledgeable posters will be along with housing advice. Remember you can do it!

Ignore those who have made different decisions to you. Everyone is an expert on other peoples lives.

Can you find part time anything work? Just for now. Even if you can't look at the websites that calculate what you will get including a child maintenance claim. You have at least 6 years where you should get CMS and Child tax credits. That is ling enough to get some experience.

Look into local social housing. Depending where you are will depend if any will be available in 6 weeks or 6 years. Find the Local Housing Allocation policy and make sure you understand what criteria and roughly what waiting times are likely to be. It won't hurt to get your name down.

Once you know where you stand financially and what housing provision there is likely to be decide what you want to do next. Could you seperate and continue to live in the same house? Do you have family you can stay with short term?

The good thing about chosing not to work and be a sahm is that you shouldn't have any issues being recognised as the primary carer. I would rather be skint and kipping on someones sofa than worry I would only see my kids eow.

I would definetly look at any part time jobs tho. Even if it is for a few hours a week. It will start to build that CV. And if you are personable and a grafter don't worry too much about advertised hours. Apply for care jobs if that is what is available. Turn up for interviews and then say what hours you are available. The care industry is 24/7 and some positions are available around other commitments. Worse case scenario you have interview experience.

Don't wait 6 years then be completely starting again.

Sorry I haven't been back in months. I started applying for Midday Supervisor jobs as I thought it would be a good way in. My partner then dropped a bombshell that he's met someone.
I was offered 11 hrs 40 as Midday Supervisor in a secondary school but my friends say it will be best to get some extra hours elsewhere to qualify for working tax credit.
I have an appt with housing next week. There isn't any suitable private lets round here, he's also saying the cats are in his name so it will break my heart to say goodbye to them.

Is the child both of yours? Is he paying towards his child? Have you already moved out?

Just because you are not married doesn't mean you have to give up your home. How long have you lived there with him.

We have two children. I have been to a solicitor and I have no rights. She said because I haven't financially contributed to any building work it is difficult impossible to establish that I have an interest in the home and that he intended it to be my home. All the years of caring for the children count for nothing because in her words 'that's what parents do'

I haven't moved out yet, I have nowhere to go. I've lived here since 2004.

After 14 years you are entitled to nothibg?

Don't move out yet.

Monday evening call rights of women
Stay in the house, its yours and your DCs home.
If you leave council will consider you made yourself homeless and have no duty to house you.
Call WA, because of his behaviour, his treatment and attitude to you is disgusting.
I seriously would not have missed that job opportunity. Your DCs dance classes will have to wait, you cannot be homeless,something has to give sometimes. She will be aware of what's going on, and this is a sad consequence of his treatment of you.
Plan quietly and don't let him know your decisions on anything until you really know what you need to do and what your options are.
Are your DC aware he's got another woman?

@Shriek
I have accepted the job in the school but I'm fretting about finding a few hours extra somewhere to top up hours.
I'm seeing the council because he is threatening to make me homeless. DCs know about the other woman but he is blaming me saying we haven't been together for years.

Thank you for advising I contact Rights of Women. I had come across their pdf file about cohabiting couples and it gave me a bit of hope. The solicitor I saw was at the local women's centre and she was quite matter of fact and said I have virtually no chance of a claim.

Well yes, naturally it will be your fault he decided to dtd with another woman, and he certainly has no right to speak about you like that to the DC, its abusive to them.
Ignore stupid, you should have married, comments.

You have more important things to concern you.
Talk to WA about your experiences with him. There is also a survivors forum on their website that might make useful reading for you.
Good luck with picking up extra hours, maybe the care role would be useful for this?
Does he intent keeping DC with him? And what are their views on moving out/staying with him?

You need to get out- if not for you, for your children. All you are doing by staying is teaching him that what he is doing to you is acceptable- especially your youngest. She is nearly a teen, a very impressionable age and becoming interested in boys. How would you feel if she went after someone like your DH because she thought it was what she deserved because it’s what you got?

You all deserve better. Yes it’s scary- I was a single mother for 5 years with no parental support and the friends I had I wanted to spend time with when I needed a babysitter.

Take the job- your youngest is 12, assuming she has an older sibling but even at that age she can manage at home alone without burning the house down and letting the bogeyman in. Me and my sister were left alone after school when she started high school- she got the bus to my school (was in after school club), we would take another bus home do our homework and some nights our parents left us a dinner to heat up in the microwave. It isn’t ideal but sometimes has to be done.

Get down to CAB on Monday morning and ask them for advice/support on housing and what benefits you will be entitled to.

Please don’t stay OP.

Start recording things when they go sour- he will naturally take you to court to try and get custody and the more evidence you have the better. You can download a recording app on your phone- and I mean record the littlest thing. Having to ask him for money, when he argues with you- anything you think will go in your favour.

Start making a plan. Write down what you need to do (house, job, benefits) work out how long you are going to take to do it, what you can do each day to achieve it and get out.

Also will add- me and DP have been together for nearly 15 years and have never married. Yes things can go tits up- but if he wants to fuck up our relationship, then I don’t need anything off him.

Likewise when I was DSs dad- I was only 18 and had fuck all and he held it over me like a knife until one day I had enough. I had to live in a shitty bedsit with a newborn baby, but I still did it.

I didn't take the support work job not just because of the hours, it's minimum wage for a lot of responsibility and I'm not keen on doing personal care. I will try and get some weekend hours doing support to top up my midday supervisor hours.

My friends want me to get out asap. It's awful waking up with this feeling everyday. It just feels so overwhelming, having to start from scratch at rock bottom.

My daughter is happier when her dad is out. He talks on his phone to his gf in front of the children.