Attachment, separation and access arrangements

[Anya83]

Hi

Wondering if anyone can help.
My husband and I are currently separating and have a two and a half year old daughter. During mediation he is proposing a 50:50 access arrangement and I am proposing he cares for our daughter one night in the week and alternate weekends .
I’m strongly in agreement that our child needs to have regular access to both parents but I just do not feel her being divided between us at this young age is at all i her best interest .
I have been her primary carer though ex has been involved in her life , more so since separation became likely .
My gut feeling is that given her young age I really need to fight against her being away from me for extended periods of time , she already is showing signs of insecurity and anxiety when only away from me for a few days . I also think it is not going to give her security or a stable environment.
Does anyone have any evidence that would support my gut feeling( or evidence to the contrary that may challenge me?)

I completely agree with you on this and would be interested if anyone has any evidence. To me 50/50 access is in the best interests of the parents, certainly not the child. My ex left before my child was born and seems to want 50/50 - crazy when he’s never lived with him and he’s now nearly 3! Funny he didn’t want him before but now the baby stage is out the way he’s interested!

This is a big concern of mine too. My marriage is close to breaking point and it is the thought of 50/50 care that is stopping me ending things. I'm pretty sure my husband would want 50/50 (to make things difficult rather than having a real interest in the children's' day to day care) but I would be wanting him to have EOW and access one evening midweek as I think children need one main home to provide stability and security for them whilst maintaining a relationship with the non resident parent ( in my situation there is the added issue of EA which is one of the reasons I wouldn't want him to have 50/50). I have friends that have gone along the 50/50 care route and the children found it incredibly hard, especially the youngest who was 4 and was going 5 days at a time away from her mum (who had been the primary carer before) and she really struggled. She stopped socialising at preschool, clinging all day to her key worker as she was scared she too would leave her. I think some children can adjust to it ok if both parents took a hands on role before but for a lot out can cause major seperation issue. I'm sure my youngest two children couldn't cope with it and would end up with anxiety issues.

Could you suggest EOW to begin with, increasing contact time as she gets older and is able to cope with it better?

Thank you for your replies and I’m sorry to hear you are going through similar experiences , it is a living nightmare isn’t it.
Whoknows11 , very similar here, my ex was very happy for me to do everything as a baby but now she’s a child he feels wants more control. He was also quite strict and hard with her, despite many of her behaviours being age appropriate , but suddenly since the separation he is like a new perfect father . Although great for her I find it quite disturbing and false.
Yes thanks Needssleepnow, I will keep pushing for EOW and pray he’ll agree. I already see changes in our daughter and am so concerned for her wellbeing if we did a 50/50 split. I’m willing to consider this as she gets older, just not at this young age.
I’ll let you both know if I find any research

If he is willing and able to provide 50:50 care then isn't it better for your daughter to adjust to the arrangements asap. Children are very good at adapting.

The changes in your daughter are as likely to be the result of your separation from her Dad and subsequent stress that has caused. Surely the best outcome is for you to co-parent amicably rather than fighting over access.