Needing to talk...

[Zoe64]

Brief background - separating from partner of 20 years, 2 kids, mortgage. My decision, but based on that I think he has been unsupportive and emotionally abusive towards me. We have been in limbo for about 5 years, not getting on but carrying on regardless.
I cant go on like this. I told him that our options were either 1) couple counselling or 2) mediation to split properly. He said that he wont do either and that if I am not happy then I should leave the house. I get his point but the reason I am not happy is mainly because he's not nice to me. And I have 2 children to care for. He says that I have anger issues but I feel angry at the way he treats me. I feel that unless I force a separation then we are just going to carry on like this for another 5 odd years and become more miserable.

So, I've made an appointment to speak to a solicitor. I think I am doing the right thing. I am worried that I am not and that I should not put the children through this. I know he will not give in quietly and it could get nasty and expensive.
I might back out again, but to do what? Try to instigate talking and sorting things out - which he refuses to do. The issues, he says, are all with me so he doesn't need to talk with me. He just says that he has already told me what I need to do to change.
I feel lonely, and nervous about what lies ahead. I don't really have anyone to talk to. Have been quite low and lost touch with most friends, others were interested but its been dragging on so much...
Just looking for anyone in a similar position to talk to, or if you've been there then any advice?

Hello @zoe64 and welcome to the club! There are lots of us on here in similar situation. You're asking if you're doing the right thing? In my opinion... if you are unhappy... you don't even have to justify why your marriage isn't working. If it's over in your heart it sounds like you know you're doing the right thing. Take one day at a time. You can't predict what's going to happen but your husband needs to know you're serious so starting with a solicitor is probably a good first step. Good luck. [Flowers]

My solution to a situation where I was not happy was simply to pack my bags and go. Obviously it's more difficult if you've got kids. It has to be planned. Are you working? You wouldn't be able to afford to contribute to the outgoings on this house as well as a rented one so that would be his responsibility. Once he realised how serious you were, he might take it more seriously himself. But if this has been going on for five years, maybe only drastic action will achieve anything.

Hi Zoe64, i left my partner of 15 years and father to our 2 kids, in October after years of walking on eggshells , heavy silences, road rage, clenching fist etc. i have nearly identical issues, so know how you feel. i went through NIDAS, who helped me safely leave although he was never physically violent to me he did hit our SEN child because he wouldn't go to bed, he also bit our son because he bit his sister leaving him with a big bite bruise for over a week. i left not because i no longer loved him, but for the sake of our children. i think you have to go with your gut, like me you deserve someone who is supportive and loving not mean or derogatory, my ex told me on Wednesday while i was at the hospital with our son he had met a new lady and she had moved into our family home with him. i think you need to talk to NIDAS because it sounds like you are suffering from mental abuse from your partner, they were a good source of support for me, i also attended the freedom programme, which helped me understand the abuse i was suffering and the effect it was having on my kids and me . their link is. www.nidas.org.uk. I hurt something fierce from the fact he has a new partner and don't really have anyone to talk to either, so i know how confusing you feel and i am here if you need to chat.dx

Thank you for your kind replies. I know deep down that this is right but the nagging feelings that it's wrong for the kids is always there. I can justify me leaving, but by doing this am I putting my happiness before theirs? Ive tried to talk to him several times but its pointless. I do know that he will try to leave me with as little as possible though. However, there is some equity in the house so I know I will get at least half, and I do work. We will probably have to sell and I will spend a lot on renting, as not enough to buy. It's scary - feel like Im taking all the kids security away.

If he is making you miserable it will be affecting the kids.