Advice please. Hope someone sees it

[anotherchangeychanger]

STBXH and I have been separated for a year.

He messaged me today saying he wants us to divorce and say we separated two years ago. We didn’t.

Can we lie about this to get an early divorce?

Why did you separate? - you can use the reason you separated to divorce

He left. Walked out and difn’t Come
Back.

Sorry that was blunt. He left because he says he couldn’t live with me anymore. His reasons would be me shouting and making him feel bad. If I were to cite unreasonable behaviour I could but not sure I want to drag all that into it. I could also now use adultery as he has a new relationship but not sure I would want to do that either. I thought 2 years separation was our only choice tbh.

Up to you. But make sure you take your share of the assets.. also work out when your assets are split and if time will effect what you get.

It really doesn't make a difference what reason you use as divorce takes a no blame approach just the grounds need to fit with the law. So if you both agree to unreasonable behaviour or adultery then the grounds are met. I do recall a couple getting turned down for their divorce as they were too focussed on not wanting to say anything bad about each other and they didn't meet the grounds. That's a lot of money to waste if you both agree there's no return to the marriage

There’s no return but we do have DC so I just want to make sure all that Is sorted before I sign anything. It would be wrong of me to lie and wrong of me to not make sure everything is agreed for the best as far as DC are concerned.

He wants a quick divorce, I do too but he seems reluctant to formalise the child maintenance in any way other than between the two of us.

For clarity he is making no claim on my property (in my name) and I am making no claim on his (in his name).

Divorce and financials are two different things weirdly people can divorce but not complete their financial agreements but it makes sense to tie the two up together unless one is seeking to remarry quite quickly. If you have lots of assets and young children you need to be either super reasonable or I would advise you to use a mediator. It does cost but if you are focussed and clear on using it to make fair and reasonable arrangments its cheaper in the long run. Most of us dont divorce too often so we can lack experience on what is fair using a mediator takes that 'youre being unreasonable' argument as the mediator will simply advise how the Courts would view it if it had to go there due to inability to agree.

If you divorce on a lie, you run the risk of your divorce being invalidated (along with any subsequent marriage), and him getting done for perjury.

Not worth it. Go on unreasonable behaviour or wait until it actually 2 years.

Thanks. He is refusing to see a mediator despite it being a compulsory thing for the financial settlement. He is not contesting any of the financial stuff though. He wants a quick and clean break but I am not sure how we do that between ourselves. We have no joint financial assets on paper.

As you have kids this does need formalising whats his resistance to the mediator? When people say they want a clean break and to keep it between us I always get suspicious

My ex husband (oh how good that sounds) was mistakenly under the impression that mediation was like counselling, that it would be about fault and blame and justifying behaviour. When he finally shut up about all the perceived wrongs I had apparently dealt him, we were then able to lay out our finances on the table and the mediator worked through various scenarios.
Unfortunately I still had to go to court as i knew he was lying about his pensions (undervalued by £80k) but if you can explain that the mediator will help you draw up an agreement at less cost than court, he might be more inclined towards attending?
Our mediator had a shorter version of the court form and explained that if we agreed a solution to split our assets in mediation, they could write it up in a way the courts understood.

I am currently going through a divorce based on STBXH's unreasonable behaviour. He also wanted to go for a 2 year separation, saying he had been living at his sister's house for the past 2 years when in fact we were still living under the same roof! I spoke to my solicitor and was advised to stick with the unreasonable behaviour, as the separation thing was a clear falsehood. I had no intention of telling anything but the truth and I did not want my children to be part of this lie. We also ended up going to mediation and I found the whole process very useful and supportive. They even go over the grounds for unreasonable behaviour. Ex got very angry, but couldn't deny the truth. The unreasonable behaviour does have to be within 6 months of the separation date.

Tell him you can't do that, but ask if he is prepared for you to divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.
However he responds, go ahead and do it anyway. It sounds like it's time for you to make the break.

Don't do it his way.

Go for unreasonable behaviour. No one actually gets any blame if they are the respondent, you just put the reasons why you don't feel you can live with them.

Adultery is considered more messy as you have to name the other person plus it has to be within 6 months of you finding out.

If he wants the divorce he can claim your behaviour was unreasonable (eg the shouting you mention) and then it can get underway straight away.

Absolutely no point lying about the timeframe. Most people use the unreasonable behaviour option.

you have to name the other person

Absolutely incorrect, naming the co-respondent is strongly discouraged.

it has to be within 6 months of you finding out.

Sort of incorrect, you have to separate within 6 months of the last known incident, or get the Petition in.