He's leaving and he wants custody

[Tots1234]

My husband of 3 years is leaving me (not in love any more) and he wants our 2 yrs old son joint custody. That's fine by me, I dont want to end things but he is a good dad so i want them to see each other a lot. However he insists on 50% of residency. Either one week on, one week off in each house or every 3-4 days. I am unwilling to share residency and believe the child should have one stable home and regular overnight stays with the other parent. In which case he says he wants the regular parent to be him. I am lawyering up...but scared. I don't want him to leave and I certainly can't bear putting my son through a life of going back and forth like this. It's been worst wrek of my life.

Do you work or are you the main carer? If your husband works, what does he plan to do for child care whilst he's working?

Good that you're getting legal advice. That's the most important thing. My bit of advice on that though is make sure you have the right solicitor. I spoke to a couple and it was only when I spoke to a third one I found someone who understood my situation and who I felt I could rely on.

Who is the primary carer, do you both work, is your son in childcare? These are all things that might impact on what he can expect to get. I don't agree with 50/50 for a child that age. It's too disruptive. However it's not impossible for a court to rule for it if they feel it's in the child's best interests.

Sorry you're going through this. It is scary, but the reality is often not as bad as the thought of what might happen.

At 2 I think 50/50 would be unsettling for most children. Would Thurs and Fri one week then fri - Mon the next week timed around his working hours work? And say to build up to 50/50 once he's school aged.
Providing neither of you work weekends then you need to both be having weekends, and that way he'd be having 2 days and one overnight one week, and 3 days and 3 overnights the next week. Plenty of time for quality time but still means he's primarily settled in one place.
If either of you are working during 'your' contact time and the other isn't then they should be given the option to have him before using childcare too IMO. (Providing he is reliable enough not to let you down last minute).

You may well find if you're normally the primary care giver that this is just him panicking about not seeing him enough and as he starts to settle into having 'his own' life or possibly starts dating that he changes his kind about wanting him so much.

Thanks for the replies. Yes I would say I am the main carer. I don't know how far back a court would look but ...approx i was full time at home with the child for 12 months, then part time for another 6 months. Since then (last approx 12 months) it's been a close call... my now ex does monday-friday breakfast and lunch prep and drops him at nursery. I play with him and dress him in mornings. He is collected by a nanny from nursery at lunch time. I come home earlier than my husband (around 5pm) to relieve the nanny, and do dinner bath and bed. I also have him bank holidays as my husband works them. However my husband runs his own company so he can change stuff and says he will. He is saying for example we can do 1 week on and one week off and when we don't have him "focus on our careers and travel". When my son was born I had huge fights with my husband to get him to help out more, regrets...

Does anyone know also does it have any bearing that he has been the one who decided to end the relationship or not?

Who ends the relationship is irrelevant.

Everything is based around what's best for your DS.

You would have a strong argument to say that being absent from a parent for a week at that age, having always had both parents around, would be detrimental to your son. I doubt a court would award that, so if it's what he's looking for he needs a rethink.

Standard contact is usually every other weekend and one or two nights a week for the non resident parent.

Tough situation, really feel for you.

50/50 is what the courts start with nowadays. Pre school it's probably easier to be honest and kids are super adaptable at that age.

You haven't given any reason why your son can't have 2 stable homes and two caring parents, other than your personal preference.

The courts will probably decide 50:50 is the best option, that is the default starting position, and I think it probably is for the best.

Who ended the relationship is irrelevant, who looked after the child 2 years ago is irrelevant. You are currently jointly caring for him equally with a nanny, he is attending nursery and your both working.

Why are you so scared about him staying overnight with his own parent regularly. You will end up spending a year in courts, costing a fortune, hating each other, hurting the child in the process and end up with 50:50 shared residency.

WalkingDead, in our situation, 1 week on and 1 week off is not best for the child. I know this as my husband regularly travels away for 1 week at a time and my child ends up needing to spend longer hours in daycare as I need to take him earlier, pick him up later due to the logistics of where the school is vs home and work. We do not have any family to help. Also 1 week is too long to go without seeing either parent, when we are both closely involved in his care. The other option my ex has presented is something like swapping every 2 to 3 nights. While for me this is more palatable, I feel this is not practical, it is too much chopping and changing. I have been told the courts don't like 50 50 and often don't approve such arrangements as it is not seen as beneficial stable living arrangement. While I strongly belive it to be great for him to have a lot of contact with his dad, is not the boy's choice to have his life drastically disrupted. My suggestion was residency in his current home with one parent, with the other one having him stay 4 max 5 nights overnight every 2 weeks. And the non resident parent being able to spend plenty of additonal contact time even daily, holidays etc. However the truth is if I was the one being ordered as a visiting parent I would be deeply unhappy with it.

Your DH does about half of the childcare now so why shouldn't he continue this??

50/50 is not the default in the UK (it is in some other places like Australia.)
They will likely start with every other weekend and one midweek.

No one can tell you for sure exactly which way it would go if it went to court. That's the problem with court.

You'll likely start with mediation. Go into that with a clear idea of how you see contact starting and progressing, what the plan for holidays would be, what happens when your son starts school etc. Explain to your ex why a week is too long for your DS etc if you feel strongly about it. Your ex can't use the excuse that it suits him work wise better that way.

You should be prepared to consider a 6 in 14 arrangement i.e. EOW and 2 other weekday nights per week, or another similar arrangement. You could be named as resident parent. Things like that are relevant when it comes to applying to school etc.

Who tends to travel more/have overnights away? If you can demostrate that your stbxh does travel more then the onerous wilk be on him to show he will be able to accommodate a change in business routines.
How will sickness days etc be handled?

Do you think he is motivated by money? I.e not paying CMS?

Is this the UK, as there is no such thing as custody which a lawyer would have told you.

Tots, courts do prefer 50:50 shared residency in England unless someone can prove there is a genuine reason otherwise.

week is too long to go without seeing either parent This is your personal opinion, how would you prove it to a court?

husband regularly travels away for 1 week Doesn't this prove your DC can cope without seeing a parent for one week?

I feel this is not practical, it is too much chopping and changing again this is your personal opinion, how would you prove it to a court. Having 2 stable homes/bedrooms/parents is not chopping and changing, many children are fine with it and it works well.

Have you considered trying a half week each when you separate. Then you can see if it works before going to family court where you will have evidence about what is happening before you get it set in stone.

For the first 3/4 of your son's life you were unquestionably the main carer and at present you are (on a time comparison) Still the main carer, it is in no way in the child's best interests for this to suddenly change - that's what you need to state - that you're your sons main carer and should be resident parent. Contact can be arranged once residency has been affirmed.
Unless you are happy for your son to live with his father and visit you on a temporary basis?
If you agree to your son's DF having residency you will no longer be the main carer and may struggle to stay present in decisions regarding your son's care.
Good luck

Yes i would say I am the main carer, he disagrees but fact is I spend far more weekday time with the child and always have. While I agree he should have near as practical 50% time with his son and the arrangement I have suggested allows 2 full overnight stays plus 1 weekend day and 1 afternoon, I do not agree to joint "residence" and I believe the court where I am located will demand something other than joint since other cases where the parents agreed it among themselves have been refused e.g parents are on night shifts and want to do 1 week 1 week or 2 weeks rotating as it isn't viewed in best interest of child. Is also seen as the parents grappling for equal rights rather than best for a child. In counting travel he has done this year it is 23 days so far this year (overnight stopover) plus a few more day trips abroad - leaving early and arriving back after bed time. My employer is supportive and I will be able to change to part time immediately if needed in order to care for my son. It is very certainly not clear cut though and will be tricky and painful to agree this. Is breaking me.

I would go for a 9/5 split so EOW and then one night in the week one week and two nights the next

Shared care is certainly becoming more common, I have a 50/50 arrangement with my kids and it works well for all of us.

Perhaps before discounting the idea completely you could ask him for some detailed plans on how he intends to make it work, if his working pattern and living arrangements aren't conducive to 50/50 it will become apparent very quickly if he hadn't thought it through.

Exactly what level of contact do you think would be in the child's best interests?

While I agree he should have near as practical 50% time with his son...
Have you suggested this to him? If you could agree that outside of court you would save yourself a lot of heartache and expense. Courts do not give happy endings and 'victories' are usually pyrrhic.

You do not need to have a court declare you the 'resident' parent, you can co-parent by agreement. I know several parents where the contact arrangement developed organically over time into one that benefited the child.

This idea of the 'resident parent' label usually seemed to be the sticking point rather than anything practical.

Thanks for all your replies, I can try to discuss some of these suggested schedules with my stbexh to see what he thinks. Totally agree doing this away from court is best. Added stress is we both think "residency" is quite important because we are currently both in a very small country as expats. In an unknown future if one of us wants to stay here e.g. remarries and the other does not e.g. does not think education system is good enough for the child or loses their job then we have more troubles. However obviously we can not plan for every eventuality. But there are many examples of divorced couples who have gone for a happy ever after in the sun and got divorced, then one partner gets stranded abroad unable to work cause of local language or employment availability
And can not leave either due to the child arrangements.

It makes sense what you are saying about it becoming organic over time WalkingDead. As for the point made about co-parenting by our own agreement, we cannot- it must go via the court. Presumably if we do not separate legally we can do what we want and nobody will ever even know!! But if we want a legal separation or want a written agreement on paper we must do it via lawyers and it must be presented to a judge to review it and sign it off, check it's fair and make sure proper maintenance is paid etc. The lawyer told me the court mostly rejects 50-50 shared sleeping arrangements or arrangements where there is no child support plan. Maybe different in UK and perhaps more "progressive".

I want him to. Just not half of overnight times if that makes sense.

Are you British? Is there any chance you will want to move back some point?

If so now is probably the best time to do it, you are currently the primary carer, and they would be highly unlikely to grant a prohibited steps order to make you stay as you have legitimate reasons to no longer want to be there (eg were only there because of the relationship, need support of people back home)

You could hit problems if you decide to try and move down the line after a court order as there will have been no change to justify moving once you're not not recently separated, and there would already be an order in place.

50:50 isn't tge default in UK. There is no default. The courts just look at what's best for the child, although they encourage parents to agreeif they can.

However, my experience is that it's unlikely a 2 yo would be expected to be away from his Mum as much as 50% of the time.

We have agreed shared care but it isn't 50:50 - I have 9/14 nights. Exh works alot more hours than I do although I am full time (37 hours, or 42 if you include lunch)

DS was 2 when we agreed to separate but is 4 now. dd is 9.